Night Departure into a Lovely Wonderland

The cold winters night can be brutal, but the wonderful days are charming.

"Night Departure into a Lovely Wonderland"

Shallow, somber, melancholic streaks
of thunderous heart wrenching winds rip repeatedly.
At night I can't sleep, lie silently weeping wide awake,
anxiously awaiting uncertainty if the cold shall fade.

Trotting feverishly submerged within thick clumps of white,
chilled manners pass silently cloaked in frozen ice.
I can feel my feet delicately between the sheets,
the slushy sleet forever ceased for now the
warmth levitates a deep sleep.

The snows fallen, and my heart dances quicker
than the roots flickering feet frolicking merrily.
A loving tranquility soon overcomes me,
for the winters night is gone,
and a lovely day awaits for me.

Reviews

[Daniel DeLorez]

An interesting piece. I have to say, here in up-state New York, I find the winter days to be far from lovely.

Alas, you did a fine job painting a picture here. I love the first stanza in particular. Very thought-provoking.

I found myself confused more often than not by the thoughts that you were trying to portray, but I wouldn't call that a criticism. If it was easy to comprehend and didn't require a bit of contemplation, it wouldn't have been nearly as engaging.

The first line of the second stanza, by the way, was wonderfully written. This might be my favorite line in the poem. Really painted a picture for me.

All-in-all, fine job. Thank you for sharing.

[Chris Folio]

Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad you were able to find meaning and relatibility with the words, that's really what I strive for is others to find their own meaning in my writing.

[Donald Miller]

I think you should consider trimming some words wherever you can. I'm doing that with something I'm currently working on, and almost always trimming and sometimes replacing one word with a better one makes a huge difference.
The title for instance, could be "Night Departure" or "Night Departure to Wonderland." It's your piece, so do as you like, but I think using these techniques will improve your work.
And make certain you proofread your work. "Think clumps"? "Past silently"?
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Talking Heads, Stop Making Sense, Psycho Killer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTezUIuJHTw
Tense and nervous
Can't relax
Can't sleep
Bed's on fire
Don't touch me,
I'm a real live wire

[Chris Folio]

Aw! Thank you for pointing out my lack of proofreading, I'll change it. I really like your comparison with the Talking Heads as well.