Evening Third Eye Memoir

Wrote this about my experiences awhile ago with a lovely friend.

"Evening Third Eye Memoir"

You are my everything on a pleasant night fall,
shining crystal field radiance of our lovely Friday.
Your the flame scorching my finger charcoal,
playfully and hesitantly playing hide and seek.
You are my loving hand, containing a split
personality tied heart, finest strings tuned for
an ensemble of our ever growing ever long receding questions.
You are the thoughts pouring in my head at 5 am,
unfathomably concocting inspiration to even begin my day in order to see you.
Your my cherished day, halfway through a motion of a pacific storm, and
you come along and cease the rip tide, amassing the stillest beautiful waters
allowing mindfulness in the most spectacular of awakenings.
Your the lingering discontent of the unresponsive, however miserable I may
it eventually builds anticipation, merry and meaning to a new life you bring to me
in the coming hours.
Your my weary eyes while digging the chasms of my heart happily and forever,
while you make me utter love in the fullest and most honest tone imaginable.
Your my Misty eyes, readying to pour oceans of sadness into joy for I realize
everything will get better once I see you tomorrow...

Reviews

[Donald Miller]

Not trying to rewrite your work. Just kicking some ideas around. That's just a reflection of where I am now. I consider myself a work in progress as a writer. Whether I'll ever be satisfied with what I write remains unknown.
My first thought was to have some words from your title in the poem.
Friday evening nightfall
Shining crystal radiance
Freedom found, lingering to morning's embrace
--Just playing around with your words. Hope you don't mind.

[Chris Folio]

Very nice, no I don't mind a bit. It's actually very complementary of you. I really like your own adaption too.

[...]

I think it's lovely, romantic even. I think that you should change your "Your" to You are in your opening lines. Because " your " is incorrect. Otherwise it's good. Some nice thoughts.

[Chris Folio]

Thank you very much! I appreciate the feedback and I'll definitely edit the opening line, thanks for pointing it out.

I read the poem you sent me Ivy and really loved it! Your style is really genuine and wonderful.

[...]

Feel free to the review on the poem then? That would be nice. That way I can have it forever? :)