The Colour of My Silence

INT. UPSTAIRS - 3:03 AM

An old house fills the screen with the text "CHRISTMAS EVE, 2002/ PALO ALTO, PA. The clouds hide the moon and it's light from the ground. Glass flurries graze the street, as the silence of the night assists in the sound of a tranquil downpour. Curtains protect any light from escaping through the windows. A blue, paint-chipped door is observable from the weak light leaking from the single street lamp. A faint breeze deafens the scene.

A young child is sleeping on top of a bunk bed. The room is illuminated by static from a small television screen and VHS player; an animation had been playing but is now ready to be rewound. The boy awakens as the static grows louder. He crawls from his bunk to turn off the television. Silence and darkness capture the room as the eye of the television closes and dissipates. Stuffed animals and action figures fill the empty spaces on each of the two small dressers. The toys are neatly placed in their own sections, each waiting for the termination of attention and the revival of consciousness. The boy opens his bedroom door as a strip of light from down the hallway reveals Marvel Spider-Man comic books scattered along the bedroom floor. The boy creeps into the doorway, first checking his parents room down the hall. Two faces with intertwined limbs are visible in bed while a television plays an unknown channel with inaudible talking. The boy runs through the darkness of the hallway to the bathroom with feathered footsteps before softly shutting the door. The camera zooms away from the bathroom as the door shuts. The camera focuses only on the door and the radiance dripping from around the frame. From down the hall, a man on the television can be heard faintly talking about the upcoming snow storm. The sound of the toilet flushing breaks the near silence of the house. The boy stumbles from inside the bathroom, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. Before entering his room he glances down the hallway one last time. His eyes widen and his posture straightens as he speaks softly.

Young Boy
Hello?
Time passes as the boy waits for a response. He grows anxious when no answer is received.

Young Boy
Dad?
The man on the television in his parents room fades as the boy leans to the side as if looking around an object. Silence begins to swarm the house as the camera zooms in toward the boys face. His awareness grows.

Young Boy
Are you... Santa?
His anxiety heightens. A purer form of silence is returned as his own young heartbeat is the only sign of a response to the question. His brow tenses and his nostrils flare as ambiguity strikes his nerves.

Young Boy
Who are you?

The camera focuses on the boy as he stands staring down the hall (into the camera). A single crackling exhale fills the audio of the scene as the boy retreats into his room quickly. Another muffled breath can be heard as darkness floods the screen.

Author's Note

This is my first attempt writing a screenplay... This is also the first time I've sent something I've written out to the public. With that being said I don't want any punches held, give it to me straight. It's only the first scene and I realize the structure probably isn't perfect, but I need to know if I'm on the right track. Does this grab your attention or make you cringe? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Reviews

[Cyd]

When it comes to screenplays you want it to be airy, think of strong words that will set the tone of what you’re trying to create. Less is more. Cut the text and be clear.

INT. UPSTAIRS - 3:03 AM (here you have the scene header which I’m not thrilled at, upstairs is vague and then the next thing “we see” is actually a house? well than the header is wrong)

Write what we see, if we see the house from the outside than that is what we need to write.

“as the silence of the night assists in the sound of a tranquil downpour” You’re not writing a novel, you are writing what we see.

EXT. HOUSE (you can be more creative than that if you like. If this is the hero’s house than say that BOBS PLACE or whatever it might be) – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: “Christmas Eve, 2002/Palo Alto, PA”

(Here write the best way to get into the story and set the tone, we want to be clear and paint a picture. Try to limit description to three things.)

An old house shrouded in darkness, just a tiny sliver of light from the weak street lamp hits the blue paint chipped door. (I’m not saying this is good writing but as an example that you can write a lot less and still capture the tone you want.)

It’s very common when people start writing screenplays that they write too much and write like they are working on a novel, this is the case here as well. There’s a big block of text, you don’t want that. Make the text light and easy to read, keep it short and use strong words, stick to what we see.

“His brow tenses and his nostrils flare as ambiguity strikes his nerves.” I’d remove the end of that, “His brow tenses and his nostrils flare.” This is what we see.

The things happening in the scene are good, you just need to work on how to write in this new format. The best way to learn how to write a screenplay is to read screenplays, probably the quickest too.

If young boy is our hero than give us a description and a name, you care a lot more about characters then.

Is this a short story or a longer one? I would recommend writing something short just to practice before setting off to write something long when you’re new to the format. Write a few scenes and rewrite them for practice.

I’d love to see you clean this up, remove the prose, write what we see. Use all caps for the character in dialog. You obviously like to write so I don’t think this will be a problem for you, just stay away from prose :p

[Raeven]

As you stated in the author's note, as a screenplay the structure isn't perfect, but it's fine, I've never been one to care about the format of the writing, as long as the story grabs my attention. Which, this did. I'm looking forward to the next scene!