A Farewell Letter

A Farewell Letter

A Story by Bayann
"

No amount of words will ever be enough.

"

To the one I dreamt of spending  

the rest of my life with,  

 

It’s January 18th, one month since the night we fought for the last time. Not a day, a moment, or a minute has passed where I don’t think about you; about the way we used to call every night, the way you’d grab my cold, clammy hands in yours, about the way you’d get excited over the littlest of things and the way your eyes gazed into mine. The last three years have been filled to the brim with the memorable adventures we share. Sneaking out to each other’s houses, stopping by Starbucks before school where we’d end up spending the entirety of our first class there, or navigating the forks in the road we thought would never divide us. 

Well, here we are now. Everywhere I look, I see you. In the break of dawn, I see a glimpse of us. In the darkest hour of night, I see us in that parking lot by your house where we would spend hours in my car. In the creases of my sheets, I picture you lying beside me once more. In the necklace I used to wear every single day, which now rests in a glass ashtray, I see you kissing my neck where it once hung. In all the Newspaper articles we wrote; in the unfinished Face-Off Layout I have yet to complete, I see us sitting together in the classroom, eating the snacks I packed and guessing which Palm Pal the other brought. I have no doubt in my mind you still think of me just as much as I think of you, despite how that night went, one month ago. Although it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything this in-depth, I will try my best to explain my thoughts for what they may be worth to you. For all I know, you will never bother to read this letter; fearful of confronting what you’ve tried so hard to avoid by escaping into your computer screen. Even if the face of this paper never sees the light of day, I’ll have written it to release my inner struggles in letting go of what we once had. 

I still check my phone every morning and evening to see if I’ve received a message from you. I view your accounts to see if you’ve been active because I so badly want to know what you’ve been up to; and you may have noticed this already, because I’m not going to pretend like I suddenly don’t care about you, I’m not afraid to be who I truly am. You may have unfollowed me everywhere in a fit of rage like I did, but I still check, daily. Seeing the “X” beside your name on Snapchat, the “Follow” button on Instagram, and the “Add Friend” option on Discord left me with the painful realization that you want absolutely nothing to do with me, when all I wanted the entire time, was more time with you. Although the fact that we are no longer “friends” on any social media platform, nothing hurt quite as much as seeing that you also removed me from your friend list on the Switch. I was with Emma when I noticed, and I had to keep it together in front of her. All I could think about was how awful of a person I must be to have you pretend like the last three years never happened. I started up Animal Crossing shortly after Emma left, and my villagers no longer mentioned you. I know they’re nothing more than robots programmed into a virtual world created for consumer entertainment, but I like to think that they loved you just as much as I do. Just like my real, breathing animals at home, who likely don’t understand why you don’t come around anymore. You made an impression on my pups, because they still remembered your scent on the clothes I had in my closet that belong to you. When I take Maggie for rides, I have half a mind to drive by your house where she used to watch through the passenger-side window until she saw you walk through your front door; her tail that started to uncontrollably swing back and forth. Unfortunately, if I were to drive by today, she wouldn’t see you come out. She’d wait, but she wouldn’t understand why you’re not there, which breaks my heart. 

In spite of everything, though, I still believe our hearts beat as one. 

I see the new playlist you made, the songs you’ve been listening to, and I see the description that changed from: “one day... you’ll understand.” To, “don’t settle for less than what you deserve..I see that the people you asked to unfollow me still view my stories occasionally, and I wonder if they do so on their own, or if they do so because you still want to see what I’m up to as well. While I may have an idea of what it was that you wanted me to understand, it doesn’t quite justify your actions. You claimed you “let me go, when we both know it was not as civil as that sounds. After that last text you sent, I called, and called, and called again. I texted you, I left a long voicemail, and I heard nothing back. Days went by, which felt like an eternity. Nothing. I begged that we talk in person like we always had to resolve our arguments, but you didn’t respond. Was I really that toxic? So toxic that you couldn’t give me the closure I still so desperately need? Your friends told me not to throw them under the bus, but they told me what you said. Why did you utilize me as the scapegoat? How was I “being shady” by talking to other guys when you had full access to my account for the entire duration of the relationship? Why am I labeled toxic for begging you to change the way you divide your time and attention? “He just wants to focus on music and school, when you told me before I was the sole reason you were excited to wake up in the morning. 

Everything I heard that you said about me afterwards shattered my heart into a million pieces; more than the reality that you ghosted me right before Christmas did. 

The last three years, the trips up to the cabin, the late night runs to Denny’s, the mornings you’d wait for me by my parking spot at school, the salty tears we shed, the promises we made, the passionate intimacy we shared, it was all for nothing? For us to become strangers, who know all of each other’s secrets? I can’t help but feel somewhat used. Things started to feel off when we came back from Hawaii. I’m still so grateful for that trip and its memories, but it leaves me to wonder if you knew it was going to be over once we returned home. I’ve explained to you several times that in October, it felt like you had no interest in doing anything with me. The whole month, I asked and offered to do things for Halloween since it was your favorite holiday. I suggested going as Billy and Sidney from Scream because I thought it’d be cute, you agreed, but brushed it off later. I offered to take us to the haunted corn maze again, but you never gave me a straight answer. I understand that you had a lot going on with school, considering how behind you had fallen, and how we both didn’t anticipate the dramatic change in workload from high school to college. But, even with that occupying your mind and time, you also had spare time to play Siege with your buddies often. So much so, that I noticed your “Recently Played hours went as high as 100+ hours in two weeks. That’s more than a full-time job, yet I ultimately was toxic for wanting you to spend a little more time with me; considering the fact we were both adults and it was time to start doing adult things. I realize now just how much slower men mature than women, how I was always thinking about the future with you, whereas you were still in an adolescent-like mindset. You never planned on moving out with me, did you? All the money you made went towards video games, or was stolen from scammers that offered rare video game usernames that you likely would have never resold. Occasionally you would spare money to take us out on a date or buy me flowers, but it wasn’t as often. I hope you knew just how much those little actions meant to me. I hope I showed my utter excitement and appreciation when you would plan dates or surprise me by taking me places, because when it came to me spending money on you, or surprising you with little things, that excitement never felt reciprocated. I wasn’t kidding when I told you it took me seven hours to write each and every little pill for you. I thought out every single one, and meant every word I wrote. I wanted you to love it, but even though you initially seemed to, eventually they became a “prop” in your short music video. I wonder if any were left behind at the park when you had to pick them all up after spitting them out like they were nothing more than plastic. It also makes me wonder if you ever bothered to open and read all the ones I wrote for you in the second bottle I gifted you, another seven hours worth of my time. All the while you can’t spare a minute to explain to me why our story has to end here.  

Which brings me back to October, and how little you seemed to care about going to the maze for Halloween. By the time Halloween rolled around, you told me you cried because you didn’t get to see me on your favorite holiday. Were you really that upset over not seeing me, or because you waited until the last minute to decide what you wanted to do? You had the opportunity to go with your friends up north or stay in the valley to see me, neither of which you ended up doing. 

I know I always waited around for you to become available to plan something, but that time, I didn’t. All the times I’ve silently cried because you changed plans on me seems to account for the one time I didn’t make set plans with you. That being said, I told you repeatedly you were welcome to spend the rest of Halloween night with me and Emma going around the neighborhoods in our costumes. To which you responded, “I don’t want to ruin your Halloween by stopping by.. I want you to enjoy your night.” I would’ve loved to have seen you; I’ve always wanted to see you no matter who I’m with, but you didn’t do anything except stay home and make yourself feel worse. 

Flash-forward to November, and things seem to be okay between us again. I talked about going to Castles N’ Coasters with you, which ultimately didn’t happen. I don’t recall the last time we had sex, but it was in November. I think it was one of the nights I visited the campus to surprise you after class, and we did it in the back of your car before getting Cane’s. Truthfully, I don’t exactly remember. We argued on and off throughout November because I was upset about the lack of time we spent together, and I ended up saying harsh things to you to try and show you how your lack of effort made me feel. Instead, it just pushed you further away, which I understand much more now. On your nineteenth birthday, I spent a lot of time debating whether or not I should even show up to the campus, because you had told me so many times it wouldn’t be fun for me to follow you around all day. I really planned on doing that though, because any time spent with you was extremely valuable to me. I could have watched paint dry with you, and I would’ve been content. Anyways, when I woke up that morning, I had this weird feeling you didn’t care to see me, so I decided to come later when the feeling wore off. It didn’t. Not even after I saw you when I caught you at the last second in the parking lot before you drove home. The fact that you parked on the other side of the campus seemed strange to me, like you really were avoiding me, or maybe it was just a coincidence you chose to park there that day since your last class was closer to that lot. Regardless, when you saw me show up, you weren’t excited. Or, if you were, your expression, body language, and tone didn’t articulate it. That broke my heart. All I wanted was for you to have a memorable birthday, and I was still hopeful that the gifts I got for you would make it a memorable one, but again, you didn’t seem too impressed, and my heart broke once more. We ended up spending the majority of the night together, even though most of it was spent with me bawling my eyes out to you; who knew that would be the last time we were together? I think a part of me knew that night we wouldn’t last much longer, but my heart didn’t listen. It still won’t. 

There is so much that goes through my head in a day that I’m worried I won’t address it all in this letter, but here I am, trying my absolute hardest to express everything that fills it up. Like how you promised to change, months and months ago. You promised you wouldn’t let your mother’s influence control you much longer, that you were going to try and see your dad more because you know how much happier you feel when you’re around him. You also promised me you wouldn’t let her come between us; when in the end, I truly believe one of the main reasons we are no longer together is because of her. And I’m deeply sorry for how arrogant that may sound. However, while it seems like I’m trying to pawn off my mistakes onto her, in reality, our relationship has always been somewhat affected by her; whether or not you want to acknowledge it. She not only drew a line between us, but she also drew a line between you and everyone you interact with. She decides when you can see your friends and convinces you that your father is a horrible person for leaving, even though I understand why he did. She ensures that once you notify her of plans you’ve made for yourself, she’ll have something to interfere with them.  

Count the times you had to wait to see your friends because she had you help her with something beforehand. Not just when you planned to hang out with your friends, though, there have been several other occasions as well. For example, when you just had to go to the EOS out in Surprise, even though the Homecoming football game started at 7:00. Or when it was time to leave for the Joji concert, I remember you became utterly stressed about missing the first part of the show because she wasn’t worried about leaving on time. She never is. When you had plans to see me, often you had to go shopping first. How was it so coincidental that you just had to hang shelves, or clean out the garage, or shave the dog, or watch a movie, or go to the gym, or talk about something so important with her, before you could go out? Why did she nearly prevent you from going to Mark’s funeral, when it was something important to you? Why did you almost end up spending the duration of high school at home on Primavera, had your father not suggested it would be good for you to experience what it’s like to be in a real high school? Why was your mother so against you getting another girlfriend, when she noticed you constantly smiling at your phone at the beginning of our relationship? It wasn’t out of fear of you getting your heart broken again, it was out of fear of losing your undivided attention. 

Instead of wanting you to flourish into the brilliant young man you are, she keeps you back from unleashing your full potential. And by doing that, she has become incredibly selfish. Your mother does not want you to prosper, because it would mean leaving her. She is not emotionally stable enough to handle the fact that you are ready to take the world into your own hands, to build a life of your own with someone you love. She is a covert narcissist, and she has convinced you otherwise through her manipulative tactics. She’s a very clever woman, and she knows exactly how to play the cards right. After all, she majors in psychology; she is fully aware that what she is doing is not in your favor. And although she has claimed she has nobody but you and Aaron, she is not alone. She has multiple friends and two amazing sons who love her, and who are quite literally always there for her. You, especially, are at her beck-and-call. Your mother is, and has always been, your priority. As you’ve told me before, you feel indebted to her. Not just because of the emotional guilt she pressures you with, but because she covers your finances, too. I understand that your father doesn’t pay your bills, but that’s because he wants you to be an independent man, who she is not raising you to be. It’s something she utilizes to guilt you with, because she is doing something as generous as covering all your expenses, but at what point will you break free from the strings you are tethered to her by? If not for yourself, for your future, or for us, I never see you flourishing like you should be. I see you still living under her roof in fifteen years, and I know that’s not what you want. But, if you don’t take control of your life now, when will you? 

I say these things in your favor. In the hopes that you will finally gain the strength to break free from the mental prison she has placed you in. I want what is best for you, I always have, and I am so sorry if I have ever made it seem as though I only care about myself. Because, in the end, I still love you. With my whole heart. Despite everything we have been through, despite feeling partially used and thrown away, my heart continues to ache for yours. And in the last month, I have gone through several different conclusions regarding my perspective on the situation. Still, I write this letter now as I believe I have interpreted the situation correctly. 

Of course, and I may be wrong, but I believe that you still love me, too. I think the reason you ghosted me and treated the situation as though we haven’t given three years' worth of time to each other is simply because you’re scared. Scared of confronting the situation, scared of the truth. I believe you took out your inner frustration with your situation onto me, since you feel as though you cannot stand up to the woman you feel indebted to. I knew all along your mother and friends didn’t like me, even though you assured me otherwise. I’m starting to think you just told me everything I wanted to hear, because the way your friends looked at me, and the way they didn’t acknowledge me the few times I had been around them made me feel out of place. My feelings were only validated by the messages I read from them to you while you were in the practice room at Tae Kwon Do. I remember when you started putting your phone in your bag so that I wouldn’t go through it while I waited in the lobby, which only made me feel worse about the situation. I wanted your friends to like me like mine liked you, but if they didn’t like me then, they sure as hell hate me now. Especially Randy, who I’m very appreciative of because he was the only reason I found out that you were ignoring my messages. He loves you and will always have your back, but he did tell me you blatantly ignored my messages to you. Ones that weren’t mean, ones that I sent in tears because I missed you. “I saw that you were messaging him. He was streaming his desktop; he didn’t open them.” 

My messages to you that night were 

“Goodnight... Don’t stay up too late.” 1:29 AM 

“If you need me for anything though, know I’m here.” 1:39 AM.  

“Are you awake?.” 3:33 AM.  

“Randy said you ignored my messages earlier, if you really want me to leave you alone, please say so.” 3:43 AM.  

“Please talk to me.” 3:52 AM.  

“I hope you’ve gotten my stuff together.” 4:16 AM.  

No answer, until 11:02 PM the following night. You told me you couldn’t bring yourself to answer me. Were our previous arguments becoming too much for you to even want to respond to me? Reading back through our messages, I see how distraught I was based on the things I was saying to you, and I’m sorry. One thing I’m not sorry for is expressing my feelings. There was a much more mature way I could have done so, but with the little attention I was receiving from someone I adore so much, I was furious. You didn’t text back often and we rarely called anymore, you were almost always playing games and avoided confronting any dispute with me. I know how draining it became for you; that’s why you say I’m toxic. But I’m not toxic for wanting your attention, something I was hardly getting. I made the mistake of talking to random guys on Instagram, even though you could see every message being sent. I also made the mistake of posting obviously-targeted notes for people to see when I should have kept our problems between us. I genuinely felt it was the only way you would pay attention to me. It sounds like a pathetic excuse, but it’s true. And it’s no secret that you were telling your friends about our problems too, since they had a set reputation for me from the start. I regret ever making our problems public, but every argument we talked through started going in one ear and right out the other. I felt as though you were never really listening to me, or seeing it from my perspective at all �" which you felt I was doing the same to you. We weren’t seeing eye-to-eye and both of us were too hurt to consider, or even really listen to the other’s perspective. By the end of it, the easy way out was to part ways �" even though it was never officially established. I said so many times that I wanted my stuff back because dealing with the situation of our relationship by myself while you dissociated into your game wasn’t fair. It isn’t what I wanted, but I had told you what I wanted all along, and I wasn’t ever going to get it: Time. 

You and I are just two kids who fell in love young, and were eventually faced with the challenge of navigating adult life for the first time �" we believed it was always us against the rest of the world, but as the song goes, I guess the world just won. We let it win. We let the opinions and influence of others destroy us. All I want now is closure, because the way you dropped me despite our memories and love for one another, was heartless. I’ve done and said a lot of brutal things myself �" but I never would have ghosted you. I would still give you the world, I would have reached out so many times by now had I not been brought back to reality by my family and friends, who told me I deserve better. My family who loved you dearly and included you in everything they did with me. My friends who also loved you and rooted for us since the beginning, because they loved seeing us flourish. Emma was never jealous of our connection, and that’s a huge reason why she’s still my best friend today. She doesn’t think you should receive any kind of closure from me, but supports my decision in writing this letter to you. 

At this point, I believe I’ve said all that has clouded my head with negativity, but I want to write more, to remind you that what we had at some point was very special. I want to write more because this is my way of releasing my intrusive thoughts in a healthy manner, and I hope youve been taking care of yourself by allowing in thoughts instead of just avoiding them like the plague. I have given back your clothes and belongings even though it was incredibly difficult letting them go, but I will not be giving back Our Adventure Book �" this is something I will finish writing our story in and keep safe for all time, since we will no longer be making memories together. I want you to know I will never throw away our pictures or our gifts to each other. I’m never getting rid of you, or pretending as though we never happened. I will keep our Mini Composition Notebook safe, even though reading through it pains me. Should I fall in love again, I will keep our memories safe somewhere to show my children what falling in love for the first time was like. We may have had several mishaps, bumps in the road, and have both said things we didn’t mean �" but that will never shine brighter than the adventures we share, and how ethereal it was to have fallen in love with you. High school with you was the best thing in life I could have ever wished for, and I’m so lucky to have had that experience. I only wish our story would have developed more. 

I wish we could have moved out into our own place together, where we would've had that security of coming home to each other’s warm embrace every night. I wish we could have gotten married, I still think about who I would’ve invited and how magical it would have felt. I wish we stayed together so we could have started a family, I remember us talking outside your dad’s old house about what names we did and didn’t like for a baby. I still dream of you, every night it feels like I dream about you, and it’s always us running back to each other. When I wake up, though, that’s not reality. The reality is that I still haven’t seen you in a month and a half, and we are no longer speaking. I have to get up and get ready for work knowing you will not be visiting me on my break, knowing I shouldn’t expect a text from you when I can check my phone. I hate this reality, and I wish I would have cherished life more when we were still together. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to feel the pure bliss of you lifting me off my feet just once more, or how utterly exciting it was texting you all afternoon on September 7th, 2021. I’ll never forget your favorite colors or songs, or how fast time flew by when we were together. 

I’m saddened that we never got all of our Palm Pals together for a playdate, and didn’t end up going ice skating at Westgate. I’m saddened because we’ll never laugh together again, or watch your favorite movie: Gran Torino. We never really slow danced in the rain, or ever went on our own little trip together �" just the two of us. I’m saddened by all the things we never got to do and for all that we’ll never do again �" but I’m happy because we happened. I’m so happy we happened. Thank you for everything, James. Your name is still written on my shoes, and I completely forgot about it until just the other day. I was sitting on the floor patting one little girl to sleep during nap time, lost in my thoughts and staring at my shoes, when I noticed the tiny black smudge on the soles wasn’t a smudge, but writing. Seeing your name and the smiley face you drew next to it made me tear up a little, and it made me sad that you never wanted me to write on your shoes because they were either too new or had a celebrity signature on them. But, I’m sure you’re especially thankful I didn't write on them now, because the reminder that we’re over is torture. I have been dreading getting your things together because I don’t want to accept that it’s really over, I still wore your shirts to sleep for the longest time, and had to stop doing that just recently. I want to keep your black sweater, just to wear it a little while longer, while I heal from losing not just the love of my life, but my best friend as well. 

I hate to admit that the thought of you talking to other girls still pains me deeply. I want you to be all mine; I’m scared of starting over with someone new who isn’t you. I find it difficult to even imagine having the passionate sex we did with some other man. Not that you deserve to know this, but I still crave your c**k, and only yours. I cannot stop my mind from replaying every make-out session we’ve had, and how badly I want to taste your lips again. My body lacks the intimacy we shared; I want our bare skin to touch as you thrust in and out of me, sweat dripping down your back as I kiss your neck just one last time. In my head, writing this out makes me wet with the hope I’ll be able to feel your love again. You’ll probably laugh at my writing though, because it sounds like something that came straight out of a Wattpad story, hehe. Anyways... I hope that if you do end up reading this entire novel of mine that you’ll reach out, so we can hopefully say our final goodbyes in person. Although, I really would love to have you in my life even if we’re no longer a couple; but that is something I would want you to be comfortable with. I understand it would make the healing process take longer, but you and I have so much in common, and so much love for each other. 

Starting the New Year without you was difficult, and I hope you had an amazing one even if I wasn’t in the picture. I hate the way that I want you back so bad, knowing things would still be the same. I want to try again more than anything, to make it right this time, but I realize that it will only work out between us if you want it to as well. And with how things ended, I don’t think anything will get better as long as you are still under your mother’s control. If our story is meant to be, it will reunite us at the right time. Until then, though, know that I think about you every hour of every day, waiting patiently for any sign that you’re still thinking of me, too. 

I hope you’ll put forward the effort into helping yourself grow so you can flourish like you were meant to. Even though you have many doubts about yourself, you’re still the most handsome man I’ve ever met, and you have the potential to become anything you want to be. You are smart, you are charming, you are worthy, and you should be proud of yourself for everything you’ve accomplished so far. Your next challenge is getting yourself out of debt so you can become the independent man you deserve to be. And, if you still need me for anything, know I will still always be here for you. 

No amount of words will ever be enough to describe my undying love for you, my endless thoughts of you, or my sincere hope that in due time, we will be together again. So, I will conclude my letter here. 

I love you, and I always will.  

Know that to be with you, was the greatest adventure of mine. 

  • Your High School Sweetheart  

© 2025 Bayann


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Added on January 26, 2025
Last Updated on January 26, 2025

Author

Bayann
Bayann

AZ



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