Chinese Massage Torture

I got beat up by a small Asian woman...

Chinese Massage Torture

No, I didn't mean water torture. I got my tax refund and immediately thought, how can I waste this entire thing? Well, it just so happens that right next door to the fancy phone repair place (I'm pretty sure that was the name) is a massage parlor. *ding ding ding* I love getting a massage, and I usually tell the person that when I get one it's for relaxation and I'm a... big baby - *whimpers* not so hard... Well, when I walked in and we pointed a little and made random sounds at each other, I quickly realized that this woman speaks about as much English as I do Chinese... (er, Mandarin? idk). So, that was a bad start.

Next, she takes me to a small, dark room with a curtain for a door and the sheet on the table has a hole ripped in the bottom. I immediately started trying to remember the names of all the massage parlors I've seen on the news... Just kidding! I don't watch the news. She points at a chair and mumbles some random noises, which I took to mean: get undressed and you can leave your stuff in the chair. Turns out, she meant if you put your stuff in the chair, that is the sign for "please beat me to within an inch of my life."

This is where it gets really bad, you guys. She starts in on my back and shoulders and I know I'm in big trouble. You might ask, "Why didn't you just say something?" I tried, she had me pinned. From my twitching and "ow's" I thought she said "Too hard?" So I responded, "Yes, a little" - trying not to sound like a big baby. Turns out "a little" translated means please attempt to pull my shoulders out of socket and push my kidneys out through my belly button. One time, my back popped so badly I was pretty sure I would never walk again. The good news is, I'm pretty sure I went into shock about 20 minutes in. Now I know what it's like to be the recipient of a "beat down"... the fear, the pain, the fear of sexual assault... (she was NOT shy, you guys). I was terrified that the man (husband?) was going to come in at any time and say "FINISH HER!" like in Mortal Kombat and then she was going to rip out my spine...

You know how you see the massage people doing the karate chop thing on tv and at the chairs at the mall? It was more like when Rocky was training in the meat locker. Anyway, she finally let me go and as I got dressed all I could think of was Mr. Potato head, as I tried to put all the pieces back in the right places. I still tipped about 20% out of fear and intimidation. Still can't feel my fingers - had to type this with my feet. I think the worst part of it all though, was every time I looked at her, she smiled at me. *whispers* she was smiling...