Beautiful Revolution

I'm posting this here because this piece is in desperate need of something. I'd like suggestions as to what.

The Bastardized Revolution began on a Tuesday,

began as the result of the stray thought of a college student

Drunk on a literary cocktail

One part Marx, one part Descartes, two parts Emerson

 

As the sun came up on campus

the revolutionary and a small band of followers began to march,

demanding equal distribution of liberal arts to all free thinking men

   After throwing a brick through the Dean’s office window, they were hauled away to jail

There they wrote letters to all on the outside, calling them to organize against authority,

as was only their civic duty…

 

The Beautiful Revolution began on a Wednesday

Began as the one driving desire of a college student,

high on the very oxygen she breathed, and fed up with the day to day monotony

 

 

To the top of the tallest tower she climbed

Gazed into the sun,

light glistening in eyes so deep, so stunning

that men could scarcely look upon them, lest the breath be stolen from their lungs

And with a yell that shook the world, and dared the Heavens themselves to intervene-

She jumped…

 

She jumped and did not fall

She soared far, and to her heart’s content

Saw the world from the top down and didn’t attempt to shape it,

but allowed it to shape her

 

And on returning to the ground, she was wiser, stronger, fuller-

As bold as any before her, and more so than any after

 

    That day, they say, the Heavens trembled

 

Author's Note

What needs added or modified here? Does it feel a bit anticlimactic?

Reviews

[Celtic Cat]

and so did I after reading that last line! Sorry.. no changes I can see necessary. I really do love this piece, and am so glad the ending soared instead of plumetted. the bastardized and beautiful revolutions are both genius and fantastic. There's a great force behind this, an energy that gnaws at the spine. Great write!

[SM Davis]

No, not anticlimactic. I think perhaps a step in between the young men in jail and the young woman on top of the world. Perhaps something in between to show a progression? I enjoyed this. This is a good piece and had me reading instead of analyzing which is a difficult feat to accomplish. I'm usually analyzing grammar, word placement, etc. I did none of that here, which means the continuity was not broken.

Well done. 100 peaches for content.

[Doug]

hmm... im not sure. it has some really great moments. i like it a lot overall. i liked the "saw the world" line, but im not so sure about "but allowed it to shape her." maybe change that one? great imagery.

doug

[Vanessa]

Certainly not anticlimatic.
There was something that built and balled into a very intense yet airily put happening.
It wasn't too intense, which was good, yet you left the reader with an understanding either vague or very abstractly put. This worked out nicely too.

I thought that the explanation of the girl climbing, her eyes shining so intensely, and then her extravagent jump maybe symbolized her satisfaction, her new view from the things she'd done.

In reference to what it lacked, Id say that a thick, wordy and heratfelt stanza could be added, something describing the result of the change she placed upon her area, or the people that followed. If I had written something like this, I think that would sound good, nd would add to the effect that a reader would feel, generally giving the breathless effect that I so love to receive.

--vk

[Emily B]

I stumbled on these lines:

Saw the world from the top down and didn't attempt to shape it,

but allowed it to shape her



But beautiful, amazing, soaring work. . .

[Wildfleour]

I don't think it needs to be changed at all - I'm totally digging it. Reminds me of "Harrison Bergeron".