Ballad of Arsenic

This one is just for a laugh, and also done as an assignment for an English class. It's a mock epic done in the style of the Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

Ballad of Arsenic
Jamie Horsley

The tale you are about to hear, That has for many a year been told
Speaks of four musicians, bards if you will, who became heroes bold
Their troupe was known as Arsenic, and in a town called Willingcreek
They played heavy metal, loud and fast, at least three times a week

Michael’s fingers blazed down twenty frets, the guitar he did play
Doyle beat the drums, Ed rocked the bass, and all the folks in town did say
That Adrian’s voice had the kind of power, that would leave most men astounded
Upon hearing it, folks might run to the church, thinking Gabriel’s Horn had sounded

But all their talent seemed in vain, for though try as they might
They couldn’t land a gig outside of town, so desperate was their plight
Until coming home from the bar one night, good Adrian did spy
A flyer that would change his life, from the corner of his eye

Big Heavy Metal Playoffs, it read, to be held in one week
At Culbert’s Bar, in Edisburg , sixty  Miles from Willingcreek
The singer rushed home hurriedly, and gave his men a call
Dragged them all from bed, in the dead of night, and assembled them in his hall

“This news is most fortunate men,” he said, “Let’s take our weapons in our hands
Drums, bass, guitar, and microphone, make ready for this battle of bands!”
So the next six days were days well spent, the bards built up their chops
And on the seventh evening, rode for Edisburg, in attempt to rise to the top

“This is our quest,” spoke brave Michael, a fearless man was he
At times like this, ‘twas always him, who rallied the other three
“Galahad sought the Holy Grail, and Jason had his Golden Fleece
What we seek tonight, is glory and fame. and to unleash our inner beast”

“The beast that lives inside the soul, of every metal head
That drives Ed here, to thrash his bass, and makes me want to shred
Play hard that when we take the stage. our music none shall mock
After years of blood and sweat and tears, our hour has come to rock!”

Within the hour the young bards found themselves, backstage at Culbert’s Bar
Determined they’d not lose tonight, they’d traveled all too far
But the band that was on stage at the moment, was great beyond compare
Their singer growled, just like a demon, and was built just like a bear

“This brand of metal’s fine,” spoke Ed, “But it gets old all too fast
Adrian has pipes, that shall win us this contest, and see our music lasts.”
As their rival band ended their set, Arsenic were beckoned
And when they took the stage, they saw a scene which none of them had reckoned

At least five hundred people packed the bar, and now the bards had a new plight
The most deadly foe to any showman, that devil named Stage Fright
But they knew they must swallow their fear, and to the metal gods they did pray
That Dio, Ozzy, and Bruce Dickinson, might give them the strength to play

These prayers were heard, for Doyle’s feet began a double bass drum roll
His drums pounded like machine gun fire, so fast and out of control
And Ed’s bass growled like rolling thunder, Michael struck a mighty chord
Adrian started to wail, and all present knew, that  they’d not be ignored

Adrian’s voice rang clear like phoenix song, lifted his audience’s spirits
Such a high and beautiful melody, those miles away could hear it
And as Michael began his solo, to the bar the city flocked
All the citizens of Edisburg, had come here to be rocked

‘Twas a song that rang so epic, the sound could only be described
As a cavalry of a thousand angels, on an Armageddon ride
Michael’s fingers blazed like lighting, down the neck of his guitar
Jaws hit the floor, and screams erupted, all throughout the bar

And as the song was ended, The crowd yelled out for more
The bear-like singer from the previous band, was crying on the floor
It was obvious who had won the night, such was Arsenic’s appeal
Within the minute, a producer stepped on stage, and handed them a record deal

“Make ready your flagons,” Adrian yelled to the crowd, “And notify all the town
We’ll rock out for eleven days, From sun up to sun down!”
So ends this saga of the tale, though for Arsenic ‘twas not nearly the end
The people still tell tales today, of how these bards became legends






















 

Author's Note

A humorous and overly exaggerated look at heavy metal stereotypes. When I describe the sound of Arsenic, think along the lines of Iron Maiden, or Dragonforce.

Reviews

[pal]

lovely piece..
bravo
pal

[SM Davis]

I have sent this to two friends who are into heavy metal and play for the public. This was great!

[Raef C. Boylan]

Great job of maintaining the ballad rhyme structure throughout; nice to see a thing as contemporary as Metal being zapped back in time, giving off a medieval vibe. I hope your English teacher appreciated how cool this was.

Thanks for posting it.

[Andrew Glass]

Ah, sweet epic metal. Such a fitting topic for a mock epic poem. Your ryhme schemes are the first thing that stand out to me, and just the overall structure of the piece. The subject material rocked! Overall, a well put together and goofy piece. Good work.

[The Viking]

F**k yeah, Chaucer would be proud. Crazy how heavy metal can be so easily synonymous with mideival times or viking mythology. Very epic indeed. I know you said picture Iron Maiden or Dragonforce, but due to my hatred of dragonforce and the imagery you craftily penned, I kept thinking of 3 inches of Blood. I believe this epic belongs in my library for re-reading one stormy night.

[Celtic Cat]

This is sheer brilliance!! Oh my! I'm a rhymer by nature and can't even imagine penning such a wild story so impeccably rhymed! This is a great story and it held me captive completely. I was worried for a moment when they were back stage...silly me...I was rooting for them all the way! What an awesome ride, it literally got my adrenaline going. Great work!!!!

[Rin]

Lol, it's very epic sounding. It kind of makes me think of medieval knights slaying dragons, but instead it being the bear looking singer. This was funny, for some reason I can see it in a childeren's book.

[Emily B]

I think old Chacucer would be grinning right about now. But probably wondering where the sex and the alcohol went. . . Great job!

[Collette]

haha this was great! I'm a huge fan of Chaucer, and it was rad to see someone carry that form into the current time period. I dig it man. The ending is prime...GREAT WRITE. Thanks for sharing!