The Art of Catching Spider Cupcakes

A Story by BarryBarr

A short recounting of an odd baker and her unusual recipes.

One must be quick when dealing with cupcakes as they have a tendency to bake fast, burn quick, and spit corrosive venom when fresh from the oven. I found this out first from my mother when we still owned the bakery in Bedford, Connecticut, fourth street to be precise. As her daughter I was born into the role of her apprentice, and from an early age there was no end to sugary treats. To every other child this would be a dream come true, but little did they know the dark secrets needed to create the perfect cupcake.

I suppose I should mention, too, that my mother dabbled into the dark arts. Nothing so heinous as sacrifice, like in stories, but a bit of frog’s blood or wormwort added to a cake or pastry never hurt anyone. My mother would swear by her murky and abysmal gods that it was the secret that made her bakery better than any other in the state. Given her accolades, the winning ribbon of the 2013 New England bake off, and the admiration of her peers, I was inclined to agree.

By being her apprentice baker, who happened to be her daughter, I of course had to learn the same skills. Too much spider paste and someone might get sick. A teaspoon too much of concentrated bog bile and someone might turn into a newt, and that should only be done when you're making creme filled doughnuts. It was all difficult to learn on top of the actual baking, and speaking in eldritch words is still a hassle for my throat.

You could say I was fortunate for a young girl. Friends were never in short supply with the offer of a few treats, and it never hurts to put a few charms into the pastries. I didn’t need looks or intelligence for popularity, and no one was the wiser about what was in their pastries. Just so long as it tasted good. I mean, that’s how it is for meats isn’t it? Best not to question it too much or you’ll try to turn Vegan. Now that’s a crime against humanity.

I digress though. As you might know from reading the New York Times, or about any newspaper, my mother’s secret ingredients didn’t stay secret forever. No, sadly all it took was one little mishap, a health inspector’s visit, and someone figuring out that their sprinkles were actually shaved mushrooms. Here I must admit fault, given the original mishap that started it all was caused by me. You see, to make a proper cupcake you need a bit of vanilla, flour, water, eggs, and salt. Anything more and you add fluff, but fluff is necessary wouldn’t you say? For me, I chose to use whole spiders as my fluff. Nothing deadly mind you, just perhaps a wolf spider or orchid widow. Nothing with venom to hurt someone, but something to give a bit of form and crunch into the cupcake.

Well, it seems my incantations were just a bit off when they were in the oven. When I opened it up the cupcakes sprang out, their spidery legs poking out of the soft cake- which I might add had been cooked to perfection. From their frostingless tops they spit venom at me and all over my kitchen, and being just an apprentice. I had no idea how to handle the situation without my mother’s help. I grabbed the broom with the aim to smash them to bits, and I would have if the hired waitress Mindy hadn’t interrupted me. Poor girl got a face full of venom, still blind too from it as I hear, and the spiders got free. Where they went, I have no idea, but they had done their damage.

My mother’s secret was out, words of witchcraft and poisonings about. Really though I think it was overblown by the Christians- they never did like that our bake sales did better. Jealousy, I’m certain. The bakery was shut down and we were forced to move all the way out to Minnesota. Looking back I suppose it all sounds like we did something wrong, but really no one was killed over it. That part of the story has been excessively overblown. What I did find interesting though was the interest had in witchcraft. Why, we are quite a hit in Salem where I hear they still make some of my mother’s now public recipes. I’ve thought about it myself too, an alternative bakery of the dark arts. The children today would probably adore it what with their Harry Potter and Twilights. This time though, I think I’ll avoid spiders in my cupcakes. Well, minus the boxes I sent to those reporters that hounded us. I’m certain they’ll just loved their sugary surprise.