Nameless

Kind of an experimental piece. It's about a young woman's journey. Where? Well, you be the judge. I think it's fun and I quite enjoyed writing it. Looking for some feedback.

It began with a pin prick�"just a little something to ease the pain.

Her eyes fluttered open and there she was, fully formed. Ten fingers, two toes, two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth. Her five senses burst into being as she gasped for breath, sucking stale air into her lungs. She was completely clothed, wearing a restrictive white jacket over which her long wheat-coloured hair carelessly cascaded down her ivory back. With trepidation, she rose to her feet and scanned her dull surroundings.

White walls closed in on her, the four corners pressing down like a prison. Craning her head from side to side, she realized there was no sign of a door, or even a window, for that matter. Her eyes snapped up to the ceiling. Alas, no escape there either. She was trapped, there was no escaping this tiny colourless room. Collapsing, she drew her knees to her chest, sobs racking her body as saline tears dropped to the floor, which, coincidentally, held no escape either.

Some tears later, she hauled herself from the cold tiles and darted from corner to corner, screeching for help until her lungs ached. When her voice started to fail her, she began hammering and clawing at the smooth walls, her nails revealing another layer of white paint beyond the first. Defeated, she slid down in the corner, drawing ragged breathes due to her exertion.

Panic plunged its icy fingers deep into the pit of her belly as she stared at the empty room with blank eyes, her stomach threatening to leap out her mouth. She swallowed hard, trying to calm her nerves. This proved more difficult than imagined, as she had no memory as to how she had even come to be in this room. Indeed, she remembered very little. Even her name was a mystery to her. 

She felt completely lost and alone. And that's when it happened.

One of the walls let out a sudden burst of light, accompanied by a loud crack. The flash was so intense, it forced her to look away, but when she returned her sight to the wall, a door stood against it, a beacon of hope in the desolate room.

Not wasting a single precious second, she rushed to it, gazing in wonder. The door was strange. The same white as the rest of the room, it was set perfectly flush with the wall. It was as if the door's frame had been burned into the wall. Upon further inspection, the young woman discovered there was no handle�"just a heavy, antique brass knocker.

Bewildered, the studied the odd door further. It was as if she was on the outside, trying to get in. Yet, she was the one trapped in the tiny room. It was she that was on the inside, not the other way around. For a few short seconds, she stood, considering the possibilities as to where this door could lead, if, indeed, it would ever open. Nothing about the door changed, however. The brass knocker simply hung there, unmoving and tempting.

Finally, concluding there was nothing to lose, she raised the cold brass knocked and slammed it against the door. There was a loud sound, as if a gong had just been struck, that resonated throughout the room like a shockwave. Immediately, the door swung outward, sending her tumbling forward into a patch of grass.

A pair of faded pink sneakers loomed directly before her nose. They were vaguely familiar, she thought as she stumbled to her feet and looked around frantically. There was no sign of the room anywhere, only a large open field of short emerald grass. Confused, she gaped at the source of the sneakers�"a young girl, probably around twelve, with a long blonde ponytail.

"Oh, hullo!" The girl twittered, "Ya must have just arrived. Well, in that case, welcome back!"

"Wha-where? Just arrived? What do you mean?" The young woman asked, the confusion mirrored in her hazel eyes.

"Oh! I guess this is your first visit here then. Sometimes, people just pop in. Mostly, they look like you and I. Some might be older, n' some might be younger. But they always got blonde hair, n' show up in different clothes. One time, there was one who was in this glamorous ivory wedding dress. Her hair was done up so lovely, with tiny white flowers in it. Curls of her hair feel down her neck like beams of golden light. She seemed so regal and so happy in that dress. Everyone was crazy for her, even though a lot of us were a bit jealous." The girl paused for a second, glancing at the young girl's outfit. "Well, guess that is a pretty neat jacket. Still…won't outdo the time the bride came."

"Where is she now?"

The girl shrugged. "Gone. Donno where. She just left one day. Probably to find a groom to match."

"She just…disappeared?"

The girl nodded.

"Doesn't that seem odd to you?"

"Happens all the time 'round here." The girl answered.

The young woman pursed her lips for a bit, thinking. After a few short moments, she pressed for more information. "So…people like me just show up here?"

"Yup! Neat, eh?" The girl grinned.

"Neat isn't exactly the word I'd choose."

"Oh well, I think it is. Maybe that's why I'm here."

"Why you're here?" The young woman's puzzlement mounted with every word that escaped the girl's lips.

"Yea. I'm kind of like the official greeter for this place! Maybe it's because I'm the youngest…but one of the oldest."

The young woman closed her eyes, drawing in a long breath in order to maintain her patience, which was rapidly depleting. "I'm afraid to even ask…but you're telling me that you're the youngest of these people? While at the same time, you are one of the oldest?" The girl nodded in response. "I'm afraid that doesn't make any sense."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Of course it does if you even think about it. My body is one of the youngest. I look the youngest. But I was one of the first to come here."

"Wait…you came here?"

"Alright, well…not exactly 'came', so much as 'was' here. I imagine kind of like how you were. You know, like in a room with no memories or nothin'? Just white. Then, when you think you're gonna go bonkers, this door opens and you come to this field." The girl looked at the young woman's growing apprehension. "Okay, back then, there was no greeter, like me. You just wandered around until you found others. It was harder at first, but eventually, you get used to it. The only thing that makes sense here is that nothing makes sense. Once you stop fighting that, it gets easier." The girl paused, "Yea…I do believe that is the most difficult part." She added as an afterthought.

"You mean you don't know where you're from?"

"Sure I do, silly!" The young woman let out a sigh of relief. "I'm from here!" The relief was suddenly replaced with more frustration.

Sighing, the young woman studied the horizon for any sign of civilization. She found none. "So where is 'here,' exactly?" she asked tersely.

The girl simply shrugged her shoulders and then began walking. After a few steps, she turned back to look at the young woman, quirking her eyebrow. The young woman let out an exasperated noise and fell in behind the girl, staring down at the pink sneakers thumping over the grass.

After a short distance, the girl twisted her neck so that she could look back at the young woman. "So, ya got a name?"

The young woman stopped dead and stared blankly at the girl. Slowly, realization dawned on her and she shook her head, crystal tears welling up in her eyes.

"Oh, of course you don't! Silly me!" Then, noticing the tears slowly dropping down the young woman's cheeks, she quickly added, "It's okay. Don't cry, please. I didn't have a name either."

Half-smiling as she wiped away tears, the young woman raised her face to look at the girl. "You didn't?"

The girl shook her head so furiously the young woman was sure it would detach and bounce along the grassy field like a strange soccer ball. "Nuh-uh! I got here like you did. Anyone who comes here just picks their own name when they're ready. Mine's Dawn!" She thought for a minute and then chattered excitedly. "You should pick one out too! Oh! It's great fun! I've never been with someone when they picked a name! I could help if you want! Oh please!"

The young woman stared at the girl, utterly dumbfounded. This place continued to get stranger and stranger with every fleeting moment. With so much around her that made little sense, she was on edge, wary of her surroundings and quite suspicious. "That's okay…I'm sure I have a name already. I'm not just going to come up with one. That would be a bit silly, don't you think?" The girl huffed at the words. "Well, you're not silly, of course. I mean, I'm older than you. I must have a name out there somewhere. Maybe I lost my memory. Come to think of it, I fell pretty hard onto the ground when that door swung open. Maybe I rattled up my head or hit a rock or something. That must've made me forget who I am. I have amnesia! I'm sure of it."

Dawn studied her skeptically. "Suit yourself. There are a few who believe that at first too. But one question, how did you end up in that room in the first place? And when you fell through into the grass, where did it go?" Dawn stared up at the young woman, her eyes flashing in defiance, daring the young woman to attempt an answer.

"Well, I don't exactly know. But that doesn't mean I don't have a name. You can't just tell me that a fully grown adult has no name. I was born somewhere, you know! Someone had to have named me."

"How do you know you were born? Do you remember it?" Dawn questioned.

"Not exactly. No, I guess."

"Me either. I was just here. So I figure…I was just made this way. Like being born, but different�"like just suddenly being here. And no one else was there. So, I named myself. I figured that a name would be a pretty important thing to have."

The young woman stared at her, a pained expression on her face. "You have to have parents. You can't just 'be.' Someone had to have given birth to you for you to be here with me. I mean, I know that I have parents out there somewhere. I couldn't just suddenly 'be.'"

"How do you know?" Dawn challenged.

"Well…" The young woman paused. The truth was the girl did have a point, as twisted and warped as her logic was. Dawn was right, after all. With no knowledge of her true beginnings, or even her name, she felt completely disarmed and lost. There was no arguing with the child. Suddenly, an idea struck her like a burst of light clearing her foggy mind�"two could play the same game. "Well, I don't actually know. But how do you know that you weren't really born?"

The girl shrugged her shoulders yet again. "I don't. But that doesn't matter. I gave myself a name. Anything that I know is from this place here. If you don't know anything, then what do you know?" 

The young woman put her hands up in resignation. "Exactly. Only the knowledge that you know nothing. So why fight it?"

"Because you have to have some sort of beginning"

"Do you really?" Dawn questioned her once again.

"Well…I think so."

"I don't."

"You're crazy." The words slipped from the young woman's lips before she could stop them. Stunned at what she had just said, she flushed and pursed her lips tightly.

There was a moment of tense silence, as the two girls locked eyes, staring at each other like elk ready to crash horns. They studied one another intently, each devising the best strategies and arguments. Finally, it was Dawn who shattered the icy silence with a warm giggle.

"Maybe I am. But you can think what you want. Once, I was like you, a very long time ago. I didn't believe in any of this nonsense at all. In fact, it made me so angry. I hated it. But I eventually came around. I'm certain you will too. You do know what would make this a bit easier though? If you had a name. So you should just give yourself one. Now, before you get upset again, just listen to what I have to say. Just think of it as a nickname while you're with me, okay? If you do manage to find your real one and uncover your history, you can just go back to that one. What does it matter? It's just a name. This is your chance to be anyone you've ever wanted to be. I mean, how often do you get to pick your own name? I think that it is pretty neat!"

The young woman sighed heavily. "Fine, but I don't know what sort of name I should be using."

"Anything you want really. It is your name after all. Is there some name that you've always wanted to be called? Something that you really like? Something pretty? Or funny?"

"Well…I do, but it's silly."

"I don't think there is such a thing as silly. What is it? Tell me, please!" Dawn pleaded, huge hopeful eyes looking up at the young woman.

"Okay! Fine. I like the name Rain. I know it's�""

"Great!" Dawn interrupted. "Rain it is. Now let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"Here and there. Even we're not really sure where we are."

"Doesn't that bother you?" Rain asked, a bit perplexed.

"What?"

"Erm…well, not knowing where you are?"

"Not really. I guess I don't think about that. I just know that I'm here. So I guess that's where we are. Here. And I mean, really, what do any of us know?" Dawn turned, her blonde ponytail swaying along her back.

Rain recalled the conversation from earlier. "Only that we know nothing."

"Exactly. Now you're learning"

"…Learning?" Dawn whispered quietly to herself. The concept of learning anything in this strange place baffled her. "Learning what?" She finally decided to put the question out of her mind and continued onward, following in Dawn's wake.

They walked for what seemed about another hour before either of them said another word. This time, it was Rain who broke the silence.

"How long until we get to where it is we're going?"

"Not sure. I was just walking" Dawn replied nonchalantly.

"Just…walking…" Rain repeated, an edge sneaking its way into her voice.

"Yea…we'll be there when we're supposed to get there."

"So, really, you have no idea where we are going or how long we'll be?"

"It's different for everyone. Some are quicker than others. Some never escape the room and spend the rest of their time there. I'm not really sure what happens to them. Probably go crazy, I expect. Others…they refuse to name themselves. Those are the worst of all. They eventually just fade away right before your eyes." Dawn shuddered, shivers snaking their way along her spine. "It's…creepy." 

She paused for a second, appraising Rain. "I'm glad you named yourself. I was worried you were gonna disappear for a while. You were starting to look all peaky."

"No, I wasn't! I feel fine." Rain retorted, bristling.

"Oh sure. You'd think that…but I saw differently. It's the same with the others too. They think they're fine and convince themselves of it. Only they can see it for themselves. Their perception makes them who they are only to themselves. Others can see differently, of course. All depends on who you're asking. Does that make sense?"

"Kinda." Rain replied weakly.

"Okay, that's good then. Because I'm not entirely sure I understand what I just said. I'm glad that you were able to get some sense from it."

Rain simply squinted her eyes shut as if she had an agonizing headache. Trying to understand this deranged girl just pained her mind. "So, why do some people just fade away?"

"Not really sure. Think it has something to do with the fact that they refuse to form and build themselves an identity. Without that, who and what are you exactly? No one and nothing." She bent down in the grass and scooped something up. She held her palm open and offered it to Rain. It was a simple stone, quite unremarkable. Smooth. Gray. Tiny. Rain took it from her and held it gingerly in her own palm. It felt cool sitting in the cup of her hand. "It's a stone, right?" Rain nodded. "That's what makes it a stone. That name. Without that, what would it be? Nothing. Everything needs a name."

"I don't quite think that's right…" Rain replied, sticking the stone into her pocket.

"Why not?"

"Well, I could call it a rock, or a pebble, or even a boulder. Something that it is clearly not."

"What make this stone not those things?"

"Well…it's size, obviously."

"Only because you choose to define a boulder as being large. Look beyond that."

"I could call it a tree, then. That doesn't make it a tree."

"Doesn't it?" Dawn raised her eyebrows.

"Of course not. You're just bein' silly now."

"No, I'm not. To you, since you decided to call it a tree, would it not be a tree?" Dawn pressed.

"Well…it doesn't have branches or �""

"I am not talking about what it does or does not have. I am talking about you and only you. If you call it a tree, does it not become a tree to you?"

"Um…I guess? But that makes no sense."

"No. It makes perfect sense. But you have to allow it to."

Rain opened her mouth to retort but quickly snapped it shut. She had had enough of this silly arguing. She resigned herself to silence and followed along behind Dawn. Rain wasn't exactly certain why she followed, especially as she was convinced of Dawn's insanity. Still, it made more sense than simply staying behind in this unusual place.

They traveled for another long while and still there was no change in scenery. The horizon remained the same emerald as the fields of grass stretched on forever in every direction to meet the cloudless cyan sky.

Hoping for a different answer, Rain finally broke her vow of silence. "So, where are you taking me?"

Dawn sighed heavily, her entire body sinking as she came to a stiff halt. She spun slowly on her heels to face rain. "I've already told you. We're just walking. When we're ready, we'll arrive. You still have a long way to go, it would seem."

"What does that mean? I have a long way to go?"

"It means that you still have a lot of learning to do." Dawn answered, her voice flat.

"Like what?"

Dawn shook her head. "I cannot do the thinking for you. It's your decision to make. It's your journey. I am merely here to help guide you."

"You're not guiding me anywhere! This is completely absurd! All you've done is prance around in circles in some huge grassy park, all the while spouting nonsense about names!" Rain shouted, her temper flaring.

"If that is how you choose to look at it, then that is your choice. Nothing I say or do will ever change that fact." The girl flipped her hair, the ponytail swooshing across her neck and back as she turned to walk away. "You can choose to follow or not, Rain."

"Don't call me that. That's not my real name. I have parents somewhere and I have a real name! I've had enough of this foolishness. I'm not moving from this spot." Rain spouted, planting herself on a grassy knoll. Dawn simply just stared back at her, her face a blank. "I wish you would just leave! You're not helping one bit."

"If that is what you wish, then I will go. You've come a long way, it would seem. I doubt you'll need me anymore anyways. See you when you arrive."

"Just…please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please go."

"As you wish. Just remember, the past doesn't define who you are today…or in the future…unless you choose otherwise." With those words, Dawn closed her eyes. For a moment, she looked to be at peace, and then, with a small pop, disappeared from sight.

Rain stood, mouth agape, staring at the spot where Dawn had been only seconds before. A slight breeze wafted across the field, bending the blades of grass to its will around her feet. Her jacket seemed to feel restrictively tighter, the stone weighing heavily in one of the pockets. Rain slumped down onto the ground, clutching her knees as tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt as if she could rock shut.

"I just don't understand…" She lamented.