Consume: Chpt. 1

Susan sobbed as she held the razor blade to her wrist. It glinted in the cold moonlight that shone through the only window. Her ice-blue eyes poured out tears as she hesitated then tore it away. "Please don't make me do this! I don't want to die!" She cried out.

A man's voice called through a slot in the steel door "Now now Susan" he cooed softly,  "You were chosen. It is a citizen's responsibility to help the whole of the people."

"But I never wanted this! It isn't fair!"

"Susan please. Let's not make this anymore difficult than it has to be." The man called, a strange, warming tone woven into his voice.

"But... I can't go like this. Im only twenty-three" She cried softer, the razor still in her hands, "Why? Why do I have to die?"

"You must die to help keep the rest of us alive. Please Susan" His voice had a tangible quality to it now, "Help us."

"O...Okay." Susan said, her eyes red and puffy as she looked down at her hands. 

She held the razor to her wrist, and in one swift movement, sliced her artery in half. She stared emotionless at her wrist, which was pulsing blood out like a ruby river. She looked at the door and said to the voice that had so deftly persuaded her into suicide "Goodbye. Give the people my regards."

Two minutes later Susan fell off of the chair in which she sat onto the cold concrete floor, her life-blood flowing down grooves in the floor. The grooves ended in a drain, where the steady pat-pat-pat of her blood could be heard dripping into the catchment system while her ice-blue eyes stared into nothing.

Reviews

[James Watts]

"Now now Susan" he cooed softly, ("Now, now, Susan," he cooed softly,)

"Susan please. Let's not make this anymore difficult than it has to be." The man called, a strange, warming tone woven into his voice.("Susan, please. Let's not make this anymore difficult than it has to be," the man called, a strange, warming tone woven into his voice.

"But... I can't go like this. Im only twenty-three" She cried softer, the razor still in her hands, "Why? Why do I have to die?"("But... I can't go like this. I'm only twenty-three," She cried softer, the razor still in her hands, "Why? Why do I have to die?"

Above are examples I noticed. Mainly just missing punctuation. Not a bad piece though.

[spence]

Damn! Just tried to read the next chapter, but I see it is unpublished- I'll put this on my reading list and keep an eye out for when you post.

[spence]

This is a very good opening. It's weird cos i read it wrong on the first read and got a bit of a shock when I found out that Susan was being persuaded to take her life not preserve it, (I hadn't taken in susan's dialogue initially and so thought that 'the man' was trying to prevent her from killing herself). It gave me the thought to suggest that the absense of susan's dialogue in the first paragraph may make this slightly more profound as the reader wouldn't discover the true purpose of the razor blade until halfway through the prologue/chapter- although, in the grand scheme of the story, it probably doesn't matter!
I could see this being scripted as the opening of a movie too. It's the sort of thing that would hook me anyway!
Nice one, take care, spence

[Immortal]

This is actually kind of a base for a movie I plan to make. I wanted to make a script but I decided to try it out as a book and see how it went

[Anna Kay]

i realy love this! its a tad creppy but its really good and i would make a great movie~
~Anna Kay Patton

Very powerful, and a tad bit creepy, but i likes it. :3
-Satan's Toaster