The Crystal Faith: Chapter 2 pt. 1

 "Sergeant.... Sergeant are you awake?" 

A voice drifted through Blades' mind, barely being recognized. He stirred a little then felt a strange sensation. A deafening crash and rough shakes reverberated through Blades' body, shaking what drowsiness was left off. He moved to get up from his position but when he put his left hand down to push up, it slipped. Something isn't right here, Blades thought. He looked at his hand, but the darkness of the box prevented any sort of sight. That's right. Im still in the box, Blades contemplated, I need a light of some sort. Not a second after thinking that, a bright light turned on right above his head, illuminating the box and his hand. He examined his hand and, to his surprise, didn't see one. Instead he saw what looked to be a military grade Photon-crystal beam cannon. Thats right! I'm in the suit. That explains the light too. But where did that voice come from?

"It came from me, Sergeant. You've been out for only a couple minutes." A voice said with a thick british accent.

Blades turned around, searching for the owner of the voice-

"It is a futile search Sergeant. You will not find me" It said again, though this time it seemed as if it had come from inside Blades own head...

"Thats right Sergeant. I do not have a voice of my own so I can only communicate through the link between you and me"

"But that means... you're the suit?" Blades was bewildered. He had never heard of an intelligent power-suit before.

"Correct Sergeant. I'm the resident Artificial Intelligence of Onyx Grade Power-Suit 126."

Artificial Intelligence Systems were a relatively new innovation, using compressed micro-circut boxes to create a sentient entity in a black cube the size of four dice, but with a operating capacity that has not yet been beaten or overloaded. Each cube had a different personality, so whether or not it wanted to work was it's own decision, creating problems with the temperamental AI's. Most will work willingly though, so manufacturing continues on.

"Whoa. When did they start putting AI's in suits?"

"About three months ago Sergeant. This suit, as well as me, was manufactured barely a month ago"

Blades whistled. "That's pretty impressive. So do you have a name, suit?"

"My full name is Bartholomew Fitzgerald, Sergeant. Operational name Jester."

"Nice name Jester. You can drop the Sergeant horse-s**t. Call me Blades. So how's about we get out of this box?"

"Be my guest. The doors are that way-"

A roar echoed through the box as a hole the size of the suit itself was vaporized through the container walls, flooding the inside of the box with sunlight. Blades jumped out of the hole, landing an easy hundred feet away. 

"Or you could just make your own damn door. Not like it makes a difference." Jester commented.

"Just let me do it my way and we'll survive" Blades muttered.

"Alright, alright"

Blades walked over to the crates of Onyx boxes and pulled a cargo net off the top of a nearby crate. Using the right hand claw, Blades pried off the lid of the crate and filled the cargo net with the little Onyx boxes. 

"Blades, there's a lot of chatter on the battle net." Jester reported. "I've gathered that our infantry has pulled back and is just barely holding off the Paladins. The tanks you ordered are also at the Pierce points Charlie and Bravo, ready to go on your command. I'll upload the markers to our battlemap." 

Blades' once unobstructed view around him gained a small circular terrain map with blinking subject points in the upper right hand corner of his vision. He called up the full map and it expanded to consume his entire eyesight. 

"Don't worry about everything around you Blades." Jester said. "I've got radar on everything. If someone is coming, you'll know about it before they do." 

Blades nodded then examined the map. It was a simple arial view with several points highlighted and blinking. He selected each one and figured out the following: Red markers were Paladins, Blue were Onyx Power-suits, Green shading was Crystal infantry, and blinking suit markers meant wounded or inoperable. From looking at the map, Blades located the thirteen surviving suits and only two of the four suits that were originally sending out static were still powered. The enemy counter showed that there were twenty-five Paladins still standing and there were six blinking, strayed across the field around the bunker.

"Blades, we've got a Paladin coming towards us. It's currently twenty kilometers away. We're nearly in its targeting range." 

Blades shut off the map and looked around to see no Paladin in sight. 

"Jester, is there something wrong with our sensor array?"

"No sir. But now it shows that the Paladin is ten kilometers away. Im arming our cannon"

"Jester there is nothing in sight" Blades said, his heart picking up its pace as he looked around.

This was getting too strange for comfort.

"Five Kilometers!"

The ground shuddered.

"It's right on us Blades!"

The ground beneath Blades' shook and rumbled while it began to expand in a dome-like shape. 

"Holy S**t! They were under us!" Jester yelled, his voice reverberating through Blades' head.

Blades jumped the suit clear, landing fifteen feet away with an armed Photon-crystal Cannon pointed straight at the dome. At that moment, the dome of earth erupted and a god-like figure vaulted out of the hole in the ground, landing not five feet from Blades.

Reviews

[Freedom]

Paragraph 24:

"Blades nodded then examined the map. It was a simple arial view with several points highlighted and blinking. He selected each one and figured out the following: Red markers were Paladins, Blue were Onyx Power-suits, Green shading was Crystal infantry, and blinking suit markers meant wounded or inoperable. From looking at the map, Blades located the thirteen surviving suits and only two of the four suits that were originally sending out static were still powered. The enemy counter showed that there were twenty-five Paladins still standing and there were six blinking, strayed across the field around the bunker."

---Sentence 1: "Blades nodded then examined the map." Replace 'then' with 'and.'

---Sentence 2: "It was . . . highlited and blinking." A-E-R-I-A-L.

---Sentence 3: "He selected . . . wounded or inoperable." 'Suit markers,' needs a dash in the center.

---Sentence 4: "From looking . . . were still powered." Take out the word 'suits' after the word 'four.'

Paragraphs 25 - 37:

"Blades, we've got a Paladin coming towards us. It's currently twenty kilometers away. We're nearly in its targeting range."

Blades shut off the map and looked around to see no Paladin in sight.

"Jester, is there something wrong with our sensor array?"

---"Blades shut . . . Paladin in sight," and "Jester, is . . . our sensor away." should be in one paragraph.

"No sir. But now it shows that the Paladin is ten kilometers away. Im arming our cannon"

---Comma after "no." You need an apostrophe in "I'm." Period at the end of the sentence.

"Jester there is nothing in sight" Blades said, his heart picking up its pace as he looked around.

---Comma after "Jester," and after "sight." You also don't need the word "its."

This was getting too strange for comfort.

--This sentence can go in the same paragraph as "Jester, there . . . he looked around."

"Five Kilometers!"

The ground shuddered.

"It's right on us Blades!"

The ground beneath Blades' shook and rumbled while it began to expand in a dome-like shape."

---You don't need that apostrophe after "Blades." Change "while" to "as."

"Holy S**t! They were under us!" Jester yelled, his voice reverberating through Blades' head.

Blades jumped the suit clear, landing fifteen feet away with an armed Photon-crystal Cannon pointed straight at the dome. At that moment, the dome of earth erupted and a god-like figure vaulted out of the hole in the ground, landing not five feet from Blades.

---I'd say change it to "landing not five feet away," so that you don't use his name too much in one paragraph.

Overall: This is amazing! I wanna know more about the god-like dome guy. Seriously, the book is getting really interesting. =] I love your writing.

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 21 - 23:

"Blades, there's a lot of chatter on the battle net." Jester reported. "I've gathered that our infantry has pulled back and is just barely holding off the Paladins. The tanks you ordered are also at the Pierce points Charlie and Bravo, ready to go on your command. I'll upload the markers to our battlemap."

---Sentence 1: "Blades, there's . . . the battle net." You need a comma rather than a period after "net."

---Sentence 4: I think "Pierce points" should be capitalized. And you need a comma after "points."

---Sentence 5: I'm not sure that 'battlemap' is one word. You might wanna check on that if you're not sure either.

"Blades' once unobstructed view around him gained a small circular terrain map with blinking subject points in the upper right hand corner of his vision. He called up the full map and it expanded to consume his entire eyesight."

---Sentence 1: "Blades' once . . . of his vision." 'Right hand' needs a dash in the center.

---Sentence 2: "He called . . . his entire eyesight." Doesn't make sense. Use something like, " . . . to consume his entire field of vision."

"Don't worry about everything around you Blades." Jester said. "I've got radar on everything. If someone is coming, you'll know about it before they do."

---You need a comma after 'you,' and another after "Blades."

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 10 - 20:

"Whoa. When did they start putting AI's in suits?"

"About three months ago Sergeant. This suit, as well as me, was manufactured barely a month ago"

---You need a comma after "ago." And "as well as me," should be "as well as I." And you need a period after the second "ago."

Blades whistled. "That's pretty impressive. So do you have a name, suit?"

"My full name is Bartholomew Fitzgerald, Sergeant. Operational name Jester."

---You need a comma after "Operational name."

"Nice name Jester. You can drop the Sergeant horse-s**t. Call me Blades. So how's about we get out of this box?"

"Be my guest. The doors are that way-"

A roar echoed through the box as a hole the size of the suit itself was vaporized through the container walls, flooding the inside of the box with sunlight. Blades jumped out of the hole, landing an easy hundred feet away.

"Or you could just make your own damn door. Not like it makes a difference." Jester commented.

---"Like" should be "that."

"Just let me do it my way and we'll survive" Blades muttered.

---Period after "survive."

"Alright, alright"

---Period after "alright."

Blades walked over to the crates of Onyx boxes and pulled a cargo net off the top of a nearby crate. Using the right hand claw, Blades pried off the lid of the crate and filled the cargo net with the little Onyx boxes.

---I'd suggest, ". . . pulled a cargo net off the top of the nearest one." Since you already used 'crate' once in this sentence. 'Right hand' should have a dash in the center.

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 3 - 9:

"It came from me, Sergeant. You've been out for only a couple minutes." A voice said with a thick british accent."

---British needs a capital!

"Blades turned around, searching for the owner of the voice-

"It is a futile search Sergeant. You will not find me" It said again, though this time it seemed as if it had come from inside Blades own head..."

---You need a comma after 'search.'

"Thats right Sergeant. I do not have a voice of my own so I can only communicate through the link between you and me"

---You need an apostrophe in your 'That's," and a period after "me."

"But that means... you're the suit?" Blades was bewildered. He had never heard of an intelligent power-suit before.

"Correct Sergeant. I'm the resident Artificial Intelligence of Onyx Grade Power-Suit 126."

---I think 'resident' should be capitalized. And you need a comma after 'Correct."

"Artificial Intelligence Systems were a relatively new innovation, using compressed micro-circut boxes to create a sentient entity in a black cube the size of four dice, but with a operating capacity that has not yet been beaten or overloaded. Each cube had a different personality, so whether or not it wanted to work was it's own decision, creating problems with the temperamental AI's. Most will work willingly though, so manufacturing continues on."

---Sentence 1: "Artificial Intelligence . .. or overloaded." You have a tense inconsistency; you need to change it to "were relatively new innovations," or "were relatively new in innovation." And, C-I-R-C-U-I-T. "With a" should be "With an." And another tense error; "that has not," should be "that had not."

---Sentence 2: "Each cube . . . temperamental AI's." You don't need an apostrophe in "it's."

---Sentence 3: "Most will . . . continues on." You don't need the 'on,' at the end.

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 1 - 2:

"Sergeant.... Sergeant are you awake?"

A voice drifted through Blades' mind, barely being recognized. He stirred a little then felt a strange sensation. A deafening crash and rough shakes reverberated through Blades' body, shaking what drowsiness was left off. He moved to get up from his position but when he put his left hand down to push up, it slipped. Something isn't right here, Blades thought. He looked at his hand, but the darkness of the box prevented any sort of sight. That's right. Im still in the box, Blades contemplated, I need a light of some sort. Not a second after thinking that, a bright light turned on right above his head, illuminating the box and his hand. He examined his hand and, to his surprise, didn't see one. Instead he saw what looked to be a military grade Photon-crystal beam cannon. Thats right! I'm in the suit. That explains the light too. But where did that voice come from?"

---Sentence 1: "Sergeant.... Sergeant are you awake?" When you use a trail-off in dialogue, it's called an ellipses. It only ever has three periods. "Sergeant . . . Sergeant, are you awake?" And you need a comma after the second "Sergeant."

---Sentence 2: "A voice . . . barely being recognized." Should be "barely recognizable."

---Sentence 4: "A deafening . . . was left off." You used 'shake' twice in this sentence. Change one.

---Sentence 5: "He moved . . . it slipped." There's just something wrong with this sentence. I think you should rework it. Something like,

"He tried to stand, but when he tried to push himself up with his hand, it slipped."

----Sentence 7: "He looked . . . sort of sight." I just don't like 'prevented.' Any other adjective would work, i think.

---Sentences 8 - 9: "That's right . . . of some sort." I think the punctuation is wrong; I think it should be, "That's right, I'm still in the box, Blades contemplated. I need a light of some sort." By the way, you need an apostrophe in that "I'm." Oh, and he's not really contemplating. He's deducing.

---Sentence 10: "Not a second . . . and his hand." Instead of "Not a second," I think you should say "Almost immediately." And take out 'right.'

---Sentence 12: "Instead he . . . beam cannon." That would be a title at the end, so Photon Crystal-Beam Cannon should be capitalized. And the dash is in the wrong place. It's right in my example.

---Sentence 13: "Thats right!" You need an apostrophe in "That's."

Overall: I like that we get to hear Blades' thoughts. =] This is getting really good.