The Crystal Faith: Chapter I pt. 2

Blades finds the a power-suit in the crate. But what happens next?

 His footsteps echoed off of the steel walls as Blades advanced into the dark container, with the once deafening sounds of battle that had surrounded him just whispers now. This is ridiculous, Blades mind raced, how am I going to find a suit in a box this big? He advanced a little more before colliding head on with a large metallic object. His cry of pain bounced around the metal box before dissipating.

"What the hell was that?" Blades questioned himself.

He reached out if front of him and felt something cold and hard. It seemed to be a column made of metal. A little to it's left was another one, identical in make-up and material. Blades smiled to himself and began to climb one of the pillars.

"Damn, these suits are bigger than I remember." He wheezed when he got to the top and collapsed on what appeared to be a giant shoulder plate.

Power-suits had been invented not more than twenty years before, when the Christian Church faced imminent defeat by the Crystal Faith, and they proved they were not going down without a fight. Based upon the shape and form of the human body, they stood an average of 30 feet high and nine feet wide and had a helmet that resembled the old world spartan face-plates. To Blades, they seemed to be similar to the Mythical titans of Ancient Greece. Completely sealed inside, an he could withstand incredible damage and survive for weeks on the supply of nutrients that are consistently injected into the bloodstream. Equipped with two photon-crystal beam cannons and a semi-nuclear self-destruction ability, they were truly unrelenting machines of war. 

"Di Mond be with me" Blades muttered to himself, kissing an amethyst crystal strung around his neck then dropping into the cockpit deep in the chest of the steel beast.

He settled himself into the cockpit; To him it resembled a coffin. A human had only to lay down in a small pod and activate the start-up procedure to begin the process. A diode needle is inserted into the spinal column and the machine is controlled from impulses sent from the brain, enabling incredibly fast and accurate actions. Blades clenched his teeth as he awaited the pain of the needle; a cold shiver running up his spine as he sensed the needle drawing near. He gasped and let out an immense roar as the pain shocked the base of his neck, with a burning sensation ripping through his body like wildfire. The pain eventually became so great he passed out, leaving his body and mind behind for the darkness that pressed in all around him.

Reviews

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 6 - 7:

Paragraph 6:

"Di Mond be with me" Blades muttered to himself, kissing an amethyst crystal strung around his neck then dropping into the cockpit deep in the chest of the steel beast."

---Eh. You could have this at the end of paragraph 5. Maybe it was like that...sorry if it was. It doesn't space it when you publish, I guess. Just double-enter. But I really, really like this line. Oh, you need a period after 'be with me.' And just so that this important line sounds perfect, I think you should end the sentence after "Blades muttered to himself." And then pick it up, next sentence, with "He kissed the amethyst crystal strung around his neck and dropped into the cockpit, deep in the chest of the steel beast." But yes, very good effect. You're getting really good at this.

Paragraph 7:

"He settled himself into the cockpit; To him it resembled a coffin. A human had only to lay down in a small pod and activate the start-up procedure to begin the process. A diode needle is inserted into the spinal column and the machine is controlled from impulses sent from the brain, enabling incredibly fast and accurate actions. Blades clenched his teeth while waiting for the piercing pain that would be the needle while a quiet whirring was heard. He gasped and let out a small cry as the pain came, along with a burning sensation that ripped through his body like wildfire. The pain eventually became so great he passed out, leaving his body and mind behind for the darkness that pressed in all around him."

---Sentence 1: "He settled . . . resembled a coffin." You don't need that 'To' to be capitalized. A semicolon is a continuation of a sentence, but it's not a new one. No capitals.

---Sentence 2: "A human . . . begin the process." I like that intro to the upcoming description.

---Sentence 3: "A diode . . . accurate actions." That's hard-core. I really like your perspective. It's awesome that you can come up with this stuff, seriously.

---Sentence 4: "Blades clenched . . . whirring was heard." I just think that this sentence could be executed a lot smoother. Like,

"Blades clenched his teeth as he awaited the pain of the needle; growing more anxious as a quiet whirring ensued."

Obviously not just like that...that's what I would write. But anything of that nature I think would be great.

---Sentence 5: "He gasped . . . body like wildfire." I think you should use a different past-tense verb for 'came.' It just doesn't seem to do this immense pain justice. Even just reforming the sentence would be great. Like,

"He gasped as the pain grew, accompanied by a burning sensation that ripped through his body like wildfire."

---Sentence 6: "The pain . . . all around him." I think this would be more dramatic if it was continued off of the previous sentence. Like,

"He gasped as the pain grew, accompanied by a burning sensation that ripped through his body like wildfire, eventually becoming so great that he fell unconscious; his body left for the darkness which eagerly pressed in around him."

Or something like that. o.o I hope I'm not coming off like I'm trying to change the way you write. It's really just an example. =] Of course you don't have to take any of my suggestions, most of it is just syntax preference.

Overall: I'm loving this story. And no, I'm not just being nice. I really do love it; every time I read it I want to read more. Like, I'm gonna get to part 3 and be like WHYYYY IS THERE NO PART 4? Oh, and I love it because the more I get to know Blades as a character, the more I want to know his fate. It's really very interesting. And I'm learning a lot. =] A bit of constructive criticism: Perhaps bring out even more of Blades as a person. Even just one little thing...maybe a preference he has..anything to show the audience that he's really a human being and not some emotionless fighting machine..it would definitely bring the audience closer to him as a character, and the closer the audience is to a character, the more likely they are to love the book. People just want to relate to fictional characters, even if it's just a little bit and the rest of it is all fantasy, you know?

[Freedom]

Paragraph 5:

"Power-suits had been invented not more than twenty years before, when the Christian Church faced imminent defeat by the Crystal Faith. The Christian mechanics showed the Crystal Faith that they were not going down without a fight. Based upon the shape and form of the human body, they stood an average of 30 feet high and nine feet wide and had a helmet that resembled the old world spartan face-plates. To Blades, they seemed to be similar to the old titans of Greece. Completely sealed inside, an operator could withstand incredible damage and survive for weeks on the supply of nutrients that are constantly injected into the bloodstream. Equipped with two photon-crystal beam cannons and a semi-nuclear self-destruction ability, they were nearly unstoppable."

---Sentence 1: "Power-suits had . . . the Crystal Faith." You should change the 'not' to a 'no.'

---Sentence 2: "The Christian . . . without a fight." I don't like how this sentence is placed in here. I think it needs to somehow be a continuation of the first sentence. It just seems too choppy, you know? As if you're trying to get all the information in without any flow. I think you could do something like,

"Power-suits had been invented no more than twenty years before, when the Christian Church faced imminent defeat by the Crystal Faith, and proved that they would not go down without a fight."

Anything like that. You get it said, but it's not just like reading a history textbook, you know?

---Sentence 3: "Based upon . . . spartan face plates." I'd change 'had' to 'wore.' 'Old world,' needs an apostrophe in the center. 'Spartan' needs a capital.

---Sentence 4: "To Blades . . . titans of Greece." You don't need the 'to be.' "They seemed similar,' sounds better.

---Sentence 5: "Completely sealed . . . into the bloodstream." You need a title instead of the 'the' at the end. Either use 'his' or 'her' or 'his or her.' If you're going to be politically correct, you'll want to say 'his or her.' But I'm assuming that it's mostly men who are the operators of these suits, so you'll probably go with 'his.' Also, as a syntax improvement, I'd change 'constantly' to 'consistently.'

---Sentence 6: "Equipped with . . . were nearly unstoppable." By this time, the paragraph has been describing them for a while, so you might want to specify what they are again...just lightly. Like,

"Equipped with two photon-crystal beam cannons and a semi-nuclear self-destruction ability, the suits were nearly unstoppable."

Also, unstoppable sounds a little un-confident. Might wanna thesaurus a different adjective.

Overall: I'm assuming that this is where the paragraph ends. I think with that suggestion I had about the double-entering, it will be more clear and more organized. I really like your detail; it's not overwhelming, but it's not so vague that we don't get a vivid picture in our minds.

[Freedom]

Paragraph 1:

"His footsteps echoed off of the steel walls as Blades advanced into the dark container, with the once deafening sounds of battle that had surrounded him just whispers now. This is ridiculous, Blades mind Raced, How am I going to find a suit in a box this big? He advanced a little more before colliding head on with a large metallic object. His cry of pain bounced around the metal box before dissipating."

---Sentence 1: "His footsteps . . . just whispers now." You actually don't need the 'with' in it. Taking it out would improve your flow.

---Sentence 2: "This is . . . box this big?" You need an apostrophe before the 's' in Blades' name. 'Raced' should not be capitalized. And neither should 'How.'

---Sentence 3: "He advanced . . . large metallic object." You need a dash in "head-on."

---Sentence 4: "His cry . . . box before dissipating." You've now used the word "box" twice, one sentence after another. I'd suggest using a synonym for it in this sentence..something like 'interior,' or something like that.

Paragraphs 2 - 4:

"What the hell was that?" Blades questioned himself."

---I have nothing to say about this sentence.

"He reached out if front of him and felt something cold and hard. It seemed to be a column made of metal. A little to it's left was another one, identical in make-up and material. Blades smiled to himself and began climbing one of the pillars."

---Sentence 1: Typo; "if" should be "in."

---Sentence 2: I think you should morph together sentences one and two. Like, "He reached out in front of him and felt something cold and hard; it seemed to be a column made of metal."

---Sentence 3: You don't need the apostrophe in "it's," since it's not possessive.

---Sentence 4: Maybe add some more detail to this sentence? I don't know, it would be good for dramatic effect. Maybe add an adjective about the pillar, how it feels as he climbs it..maybe how he's feeling. Something like that; cause obviously his climbing the pillar is a big deal. Also I think you should say "He began to climb," instead of "He began climbing." It just sounds better to me.

"Damn, these suits are bigger than I remember." He wheezed out when he got to the top and collapsed on what appeared to be a giant shoulder plate."

---Sentence 2: I don't think you should have that 'out' in there. It doesn't exactly make sense.

Overall: I think that paragraphs 2 - 4 should be one big paragraph. They're all basically about one thing, so it would be unnecessary to have them all spread out like that; and since his dialogue is all his, you can keep it all in one paragraph. Oh, and a side note; WC doesn't space it well for you, so just double-enter between paragraphs to distinguish it. I think that'll work. And if you can't get it, I'll do it and send it to you so you can copy-paste it in. And I really like where this is going.