The Crystal Faith: Chapter I pt. 1

War. Instituted into the very genes of the human race is the desire, the capability, and the malice required to murder our own neighbors for any reason we deem reasonable. For some it's for money. For some, it's for pride. But this war is different...

 Raiku VII

0500 hours 

A face, A distant memory flashed through the mind of Sergeant Steve McMillain; Call sign "Blades". The name was given to him when a private once commented on the two short bladed machetes he had sheathed on either side of his waist. That same soldier had been promoted only to Private First Class before he had been vaporized by a judgment beam during the Gregarion II conflict. That was a mere twelve weeks before Steve had been plunged into this mess of a battle. Hard to believe it was only that long ago-

BOOM

An explosion rocked the ground beneath his feet, bringing his mind back to reality. Blades assessed the destruction his superiors had laid before him. An enourmous grass plain stretched beneath him, or what was left of one anyway. Craters pockmarked the once lush hills, trenches made the grass land appear as if someone had taken a rake and made an out of proportion zen garden, and it all was circled around a small building in the center of it all. His Jade IV Drone had an arial view that showed what looked like a target from above.

"And we're here to hit the bull's-eye..." Blades muttered under his breath as he watched the carnage unfold beneath him.

The HUD in his helmet showed the vitals for the platoon he was commanding. The 213^th infantry was being mauled by the Paladin armor guards that encircled the small bunker. His eyes could barely keep up with the counters as men went from alive and well to atoms in nanoseconds. 

"Lets get some armor in there!" Blades commanded into the battle net. "All tanks, Tiger's-eye through Tourmaline, rendezvous at Pierce Points Charlie and Bravo, and wait for my signal"

Blades spotted a scrawny corporal and addressed him: "Corporal, are there any Power-suits on the field? Any at all?"

"Well sir, there were. The Paladins' judgment beams sliced right through the dissipation fields and hammered straight into our guys. Its a f*****g bloodbath down there." The corporal stammered.

"S**t. Any survivors on the net?" 

"A few sir. We've counted around thirteen survivors and four signals that are mere static, but there's still a transmission emanating from them. The survivors' story is simple. They had their shields jacked up, so the beams just killed the suits gems. They're stuck in the suits until a new supply is introduced." 

"And we have more Onyx here?" Blades brightened a little.

"S**t-loads sir. Near five crates of Plug N' Play Onyx boxes. You put the nozzle into the back of the helmet and the suit is up in running in no time." 

"Do we have any operable suits?" 

"Um--we do have one left-- but the right gun on it was damaged in transit. We replaced it with a claw but Im not sure what you can do with just one gun, sir." The corporal looked skeptical.

"You'll see Corporal. I need you to send me the coordinates to all of the powered-down suits to my suit com," Blades ordered "Now where is this last suit?"

"Over there," The Corporal beckoned with a slightly quivering hand. "By the lifters. In the big container."

Lifters, Blades thought, They're just forklifts with legs. I don't see why they even need legs.

 "And where are the crates of Onyx?"

"Look for the big lifter with a neon yellow seven on the side of it. The black crates around them are full of Onyx."  The Corporal explained "I would also suggest taking a suit size grenade or two. You know, cause you don't have a second gun."

"Thanks Corporal. Dismissed." Blades ordered as he moved toward the container. 

WIth a bit of brute strength, Blades opened the manual latch that held the thirty-foot-high doors shut. The doors made a screeching sound so piercing the Paladins five miles away likely heard it. When he looked into the cavernous steel box, it seemed as if the darkness it contained was alive, devouring the light as it poured in through the open doorway. Blades took a deep breath of the smoke-filled air and stepped inside.

Author's Note

This is the first of what I hope will become a series of chapters. If it's a little rough, it's because it's one of my first real stories. Feedback is much appreciated. Thanks

Reviews

[nostal]

There are a lot of mistakes but the story's good so far.
Great job.

[Freedom]

Paragraph 18:

WIth a bit of brute strength, Blades opened the manual latch that held the thirty foot high doors shut. The doors made a screeching sound so piercing the Paladins 5 miles away probably heard it. When he looked into the cavernous steel box, it looked as if the darkness it contained was alive, devouring the light as it poured in through the open doorway. Blades took a deep breath and stepped inside.

"With a bit of . . . doors shut." 'Thirty foot high' needs dashes in it. Always write out numbers ten and under. (5 should be five). You shouldn't use 'probably,' it makes it difficult for the audience to trust their narrator. Replace it with 'must have,' or something like that. You shouldn't use 'looked' twice in one sentence. Replace the second one with 'seemed.' And I know you were a bit insecure about your cliff-hanger, but I think it's great. I mean, this isn't my favorite genre, and even I'm dying to know what the f**k is inside that Blades is about to face. If you want to make the cliff-hanger have even more of an impact, though, I'd suggest adding in a little bit more detail. Like, "Blades took a deep breath of the country air and stepped inside." Or something like that. Make it a bigger difference between the outside and the inside, what he's about to face. If you get that contrast, you'll get a bigger impact.

Overall, this chapter is very, very good. =D I think you're a wonderful writer. Your diction, as I've mentioned, is so similar to Matthew Reilly, but still with it's own little Levi personality. It's not there quite yet, but I think that within the next couple chapters, I'll be able to see parts of you in your writing. You have minimal grammatical errors, basically no spelling errors, and no continuity errors. Good job, seriously, this could be an amazing book. I can't wait to see what else you put into it. I can't wait to read more.

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 9 - 17:

"And we have more Onyx here?" Blades brightened a little"

---You need a period at the end.

"S**t loads sir. near five crates of plug 'n' play onyx boxes. You put the nozzle into the back of the helmet and the suit is up in running in no time"

---'S**t loads,' needs a dash in the middle. 'near' should be capitalized. 'plug 'n' play onyx boxes' is a title, so it should be 'Plug N' Play Onyx Boxes.' Also, you need a period at the end of this too.

"Do we have any suits operable here?"

---Since you so recently used something with 'here' at the end, you might want to take it out, and just say, "Do we have any operable suits?" Or something of the like.

"Umm we do have one left but the right gun on it was damaged in transit. We replaced it with a claw but Im not sure what you can do with just one gun sir." The corporal looked skeptical.

---Using the word "um" in literature is a bit frowned upon, unless it has specifically to do with the character that says it, and when it is used, it's usually followed with punctuation, because when it's said aloud it's usually not said in a direct flow of words, it's used as a hold-off for words when you can't think of what to say. Maybe you could say, "Um . . . We do have one left . . . but the right . . . " or "Um -- We do have one left -- but the right . . ." See what I mean? Either way, you need some sort of punctuation after 'left.' Probably a comma, if you don't change the formatting to keep 'um.' And you need a comma after 'gun.'

"You'll see Corporal. I need you to send me the coordinates to all of the powered down suits to my suit com." Blades Ordered "Now where is this last suit?"

---I think you need a dash in 'powered down.' 'Ordered' should not be capitalized, and you need a period after it. Oh, and after 'suit com,' i think you need a comma, since you finish the thought with a dialogue specification.

"Over there" The Corporal beckoned with a slightly quivering hand "By the lifters. In the big container."

---You need a comma after 'there.' And a period after 'hand.'

"Lifters, Blades thought, They're just forklifts with legs. I don't see why we need legs on them. "And where are the crates of Onyx?"

---The first sentence here becomes too much. I don't know how to tell you to revise it without giving you examples, so here are a few;

1. "They're just forklifts with legs. They don't even need legs." (Take 'need' out of italics for emphasis).

2. "They're just forklifts with legs. I don't see why they need legs."

3. "They're just forklifts with legs. I don't see why they even need legs."

4. "They're just forklifts with legs. I don't see why forklifts need legs."

I think anything along those lines would work. And anytime someone new speaks, you need a new paragraph. So since Blades hasn't spoken since yet since the Corporal, "And where are the crates of Onyx?" Should be its own paragraph. And by the way, sometimes you capitalize 'onyx,' and sometimes you don't. Pick one.

"Look for the big lifter with a neon yellow seven on the side of it. The black crates around them are full of Onyx" The Corporal explained "I would also suggest taking a suit size grenade or two. You know, cause you don't have a second gun."

---You need periods after 'Onyx,' and after 'explained.' 'Suit size' should be 'Suit sized,' since it's a description. 'cause' needs an apostrophe before it. ('cause). Oh, and 'neon yellow' should have a dash in it.

"Thanks Corporal. Dismissed" Blades ordered as he moved toward the container.

---You need a period after 'Dismissed.'

Overall, I like this dialogue. It's going very well; I see the plot forwarding and the character is definitely becoming defined. Great imagery, still. You're a good writer.

[Freedom]

Paragraphs 3 - 8:

"And we're here to hit the bulls eye..." he muttered under his breath as he watched the carnage unfold beneath him."

---I think instead of 'he,' you should use his name, Blades, since you haven't used it yet in reference to dialogue. Bulls eye needs an apostrophe and a dash. (Bull's-eye).

"The HUD in his helmet showed the vitals for the platoon he was commanding. The 213th infantry was getting mauled by the paladin armor guards that encircled the small bunker. His eyes could barely keep up with the counters as men went from alive and well to atoms in nano seconds."

--- I don't know for sure, but I think that acronym needs periods. 'Getting,' should be 'being,' or some other verb. 'Nano seconds' is one word. (Nanoseconds).

"Lets get some armor in there!" Blades commanded into the battle net "All tanks, Tigers eye through Tourmaline, rendezvous at pierce point charlie and wait for my signal"

---You need a period after 'battle net.' 'Tigers eye' should be 'Tiger's-eye,' I think. And I'm unclear as to whether 'pierce point charlie,' is a name or a command and a name. If it's a command and a name, it should be "rendezvous at Pierce Point, Charlie, and wait . . . " and if it's all one name, it should be 'rendezvous at Pierce Point Charlie, and wait . . ." And you need punctuation at the end of that. I'd suggest an exclamation point. Oh...and...(going out on a limb here), I think the way you intended this, you should have dashes around "Tiger's-eye through Tourmaline," as an interjection in his sentence, you know?

"Blades spotted a scrawny corporal and addressed him "Corporal, are there any power suits on the field? Any at all?"

---You need a semicolon after 'him.' And I think 'power suits' should be either one word, or have a dash.

"Well sir, there were. The paladins' judgment beams sliced right through the dissipation fields and hammered straight into our guys. Its a f*****g bloodbath down there." The corporal stammered out."

---'paladins',' should be capitalized. And you don't need the 'out' at the end.

"S**t. Any survivors on the net?" Blades solemnly asked.

---I don't think you need the specifics on who's replying at this point. You can just end it with his dialogue and it will be fine. And I think it would sound better without the specification.

"A few sir. We've counted around thirteen survivors and four signals that are mere static, but there's still a transmission emanating from them. The survivors' story is simple. They had they're shields jacked up, so the beams just killed the suits gems. They're stuck in the suits until a new supply is introduced." The corporal replied.

---"They're" should be 'their.' And again, you don't need the specific at the end of that.

Overall, this is good. You write dialogue very well; I'm beginning to see Blades' character come through and it's looking good.

[Freedom]

Paragraph 2:

"An explosion rocked the ground beneath his feet, bringing his mind back into reality. Blades assessed the situation his superiors had laid before him. An enourmous grass plain stretched beneath him. Or what was left of one anyway. Craters pockmarked the once lush hills and trenches made the plain look like someone had taken a rake and made an out of proportion zen garden, with the six-foot wide trenches circling around a small building in the center of it all. His jade series drone had an arial view that showed what looked like a target from above."

"An explosion . . . back into reality." Make 'into,' just 'to.' It sounds better, and 'into' is just an unnecessary extra syllable.

"Blades assessed . . . laid before him." I think 'laid' should be 'lain.' And for syntax purposes, you should change 'situation' to a more descriptive/exciting noun.

"An enormous grass . . . of one anyway." Should be one sentence. No period, use either a dash or a comma, and another comma after 'one.' "An enormous grass plain stretched beneath him - or what was left of one, anyway."

"Craters pockmarked the . . . of it all." This is a long sentence, so punctuation is crucial. 'Made,' should be 'making,' (with the comma after it). 'Look like,' is cliche, you should replace that with 'appear as if." Instead of 'taken a rake,' I think you should say 'used a rake.' And for the sake of syntax, maybe say 'someone had used a rake to craft,' instead of 'someone had taken a rake and made.' 'Out of proportion needs dashes (out-of-proportion). And you don't need the 'the' before six-foot wide. Which also needs two dashes (six-foot-wide). And most importantly, the last part of the sentence makes it seem unbalanced, you need to shorten it. I would suggest summarizing the last part about the building in the center. So it should look something like this; "Craters pockmarked the once lush hills and trenches, making the plain appear as if someone had used a rake to craft an out-of-proportion zen garden, with six-foot-wide trenches circling around its center establishment." Obviously not exactly like that (unless you like it that much). You should rework that however you want, but it should be parallel to that, at least somewhat, or else there are syntax errors. Oh and I forgot, you shouldn't use 'plain,' one sentence after the other unless it's intended as a motif or something. Change the second one to something along the lines of 'environment.' By the way, "pockmarked" is a great verb.

"His jade series . . . from above." It sounds like 'jade series drone,' is a title...so it should be capitalized if that's the case.

Overall, I like this paragraph. You tend to write very short but very descriptive paragraphs, which is good. The audience won't get confused. Organization is so important in writing books, and you've got that down. You're also good at not overwhelming the audience with detail, which is not the case with many writers.

[Freedom]

Paragraph 1:

"A face. A distant memory flashed through the mind of Sgt. Steve McMillain. Call sign "Blades". The name was given to him when a private once commented on the two short bladed machetes he had sheathed on each side of his waist. The private had been promoted to only a first class before he had been vaporized by a judgment beam during the Gregarion II conflict. That was a mere twelve weeks before Steve had been inserted into this mess of a battle. Hard to belive it was only that long ago-

BOOOOM"

---I like your opening, it definitely grabs the reader and pulls them in, but I don't think it should be two separate sentences. I think you need some different sort of punctuation after "A face." Maybe like, "A face, a distant memory flashed through . . . " That's only because I don't see them as two separate thoughts. Also, I think that the sentences "A distant memory . . . Call sign "Blades." should be one sentence. So basically I think that the first three sentences would be better as one. Like, "A face, a distant memory flashed through the mind of Sgt. Steve McMillain; call sign "Blades." I just think it would be better as far as impact goes..you know? Like, it will make a bigger and stronger impression on your audience.

Oh, and I'm not sure about this one, but I'm pretty sure that as the first (noun) title of your book, you'll want to write out 'Sergeant.'

And in the sentence "The name was . . . of his waist," I think you should have 'either' instead of 'each,' because of syntax. Say that sentence aloud to yourself, I'm pretty sure it will sound better with 'either.'

In "The private had . . . Gregarion II Conflict," you should switch 'only' and 'to.' ("The private had been promoted only to a first class . . . "). Also, it might just be my lack of knowledge about science or military fiction, but I'm pretty sure you should specify his class. It seems a bit vague..promoted to first class of what? The opening paragraph of a book should be very easy to follow and very straightforward; if the audience gets confused in the first paragraph, they'll be less likely to want to keep reading. And, the preceeding sentence (I think) is more of a continuation of this thought than an entirely new one, so you might want to bring the two together with a semi colon. "The name was given to him when a private once commented on the two short bladed machetes he had sheathed on each side of his waist; the private had been promoted to only a first class before he had been vaporized by a judgment beam during the Gregarion II conflict." And on the note of the "Gregarion II Conflict," (Conflict should be capitalized since it's part of a name), All that shows up in my dictionary for "Gregarion," Is spelled G-R-E-G-O-R-I-A-N, as in the Roman society. I'm not sure if it's your own personal noun you've created or if you mean the society at hand, but don't generalize your entire audience by my interpretation. Again, I know less than nothing about military fiction.

"That was a mere . . . mess of a battle." I think you should have a different verb instead of 'inserted.' It just seems a bit of an understatement for what your intention was. Maybe something with more vigor (examples; thrusted, plunged, driven, forced, pushed, pitched, thrown, compelled, coerced, imposed, obliged). Just a few off the top of my head..but you might have a different one of your own. I just don't think 'inserted,' does the sentence justice.

"Hard to belive it was only that long ago-" B-E-L-I-E-V-E.

"BOOOOM" I'm not positive, but I think that when using onomatopoeias (written sounds or noises) you can't change the spelling. So it would just be "BOOM." Also, you need punctuation after it, or else your paragraph/sentence hasn't ended.

Overall, good opening. I like that it gets interrupted; it brings the reader in and shows them exactly how big and voluptuous this book will be, how exciting it is.

(I'm submitting all the different chapter reviews in different review boxes to keep it organized. Sorry).