Why Focus On Writing

(Completed January 20, 2015)

You previously asked me what made me think I needed to focus on my writing. Truth be told, many things apprised me of this. Deep within me I feel this course of action was somehow always meant to be. Through no ones fault but my own I neglected to fully realize this until now. Looking back, there seems to have been a trail of bread crumbs (if you will) left for me hinting at and in hopes of me to follow. There were a few instances when I did in fact take notice, but ended up drifting away from said path. It's path of what seems to be translucently clear of leading to and even understanding my purpose of being. This could very well possibly be fate's way of getting my attention through subtle signs.

When I was younger, writing seemed to be nothing short of a lingering curse. A curse I 'had to' surround myself with by no choice of my own. Not only was it forced upon me, but I unable to translate thoughts into my own words. The works would end up mutilated to the point of any recognition of being from it's original creator. Me. Instead, they became a distant part of me and who I am. While the constant butchering indeed got to me, instructing me what subject to write about and when it has to be completed got to me more. However, these were nothing compared to the act of telling me what I should see or feel. Giving me the notion that anything I felt or would feel to be incorrect. That is, all except one feeling. The feeling of them suppressing me to the point of being their block of clay to hold and mold however they so choose. Thus causing even more confusion to an already confusing time in any child's life of trying to figure out who they are. Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” This resulted in the plaguing and blinding of writings, actual purpose in my life. The overwhelming force in numerous aspects never granted me the opportunity of creating an everlasting bond. These events instilled a bitterness in me towards teachers.

It wasn't until after high school ended and the decision to seize my college education where I picked up a pen, started writing my thoughts and above all, what I felt down on paper. Slowly but surely I gained the courage to share with people these thoughts and feelings. To my surprise, I received much praise as a result. This, in turn, gave me the confidence to continue on along with the motivation to expand to my fullest form. Unfortunately, this was a a short lived infatuation. A period of darkness soon followed along with very negative reactions to it. These reactions had such an adverse effect on me that they greatly aided in the acceleration in my attempt to run away, I couldn't no matter how much I tried. These also supported my initial reaction of believing writing was merely a curse to me.

When I began to read such things as quotes I didn't think much of them. Like most individuals, I only read them at face value. At first glance they appeared to be just random words put together in order to mean something. Hell, anything far as I was concerned. Blowing them off since I didn't view them as any important significance. That's until I took the time to slow down and actually 'looked' at them. Starting word for word, then as a whole. Whether it is a snippet of motivation, inspiration, comfort and if nothing else, hope for the coming days. Thus understanding the deeper meaning behind each one and giving them the chance to speak to me. It was then I began to recognize that I viewed words differently compared to others. Even realizing that many times things in life have more than one connotation to them. This made me believe I was able to unlock their secret code that's hidden in plain sight too. As if they, in their own miraculous way, chose me to do so even after our rough past because I can shed light and give support upon them through my new found admiration. In turn enables a new perspective that many may have not seen themselves. No fault of their own, of course.

Writing it allows me to remain free in every sense of the word. Free from life's invisible shackles of what I can and cannot say. Free to express myself to the fullest extent. To be succumbed with an overcoming amount of emotions. Releasing what feels like my own high. Even free to go to my own world. A place where I can see my dreams come true, expand my thought process, and unlock many opportunities that may never be presented to me if I hadn't. It was through this course of action that allowed me to accept us not being able to relive days that have passed. We can, however, brace against an uncertain future. I have to trust it will all somehow work out in the end.