Chapter One- Subject Fourteen

Book Series: The Chosen of Hina Book: Hina's Tears Chapter: One

Chapter One

Subject Fourteen

  

Water was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes.  The lightly tinted blue liquid covered her tiny frame inside of the test tube.

Where am I?

Looking down, she saw the wires that ran from her chest and connected to the outside of the tube into large monitors.  Panic began to rise as she reached up and felt the breathing mask over her mouth and nose.  

“Subject fourteen is awake!”  A woman’s voice shouted as the girl began to grab at the wire and pull them out.  “Hurry and get her out of there!”  

The girl tried to make out the blurred images outside of the tube only to catch a glimpse of white figures moving around.  

The water began to drain from the tube through the bottom, and the girl weakly fell to her knees with wide brown eyes blinking away the water.  She jerked back when the machine began to sink into the ground around her, leaving her sitting on the metal platform naked and cold. There were about six men and women in lab coats that were taking notes, but Angel focused on the speaker in front of her. 

“How do you feel?”  The voice asked.  The girl realized that a woman, with short wavy golden blond hair and soft green eyes, was kneeling in front of her.  When the girl didn’t answer, the woman reached forward slowly and removed the breathing tube.  “It’s alright.  I won’t hurt you.  My name is Ms. Erika.”  

“Erika,”  The girl’s voice barely came out more than a whisper as she searched the woman’s eyes to see if the words she had spoken were right.  

“That’s right.  Your name is Angel.  Do you remember anything?” 

Angel started to speak and realized she was unable to recall anything from her past.  

Why can’t I remember anything? Who am I?

Tears filled up her eyes as her heart began to race even faster.  Erika smiled and placed her hand on Angel’s head.  

“It’ll be alright.  I’m here to help you.”  She stood up and reached out offering her hand for Angel to take.  Angel slowly looked from the hand to Erika’s eyes and finally reached out to take Erika’s hand.  When Erika helped her stand, she looked around at her surroundings.

The room was vast and metallic with six large monitors that displayed data that Angel was unable to understand.  The other scientists returned to imputing data into the monitors as one of the monitors caught her eyes. It revealed a small girl with short light brown hair and brown eyes.  Next to the picture was a name: Angel, seven years old, Subject Fourteen.

Is that me?

Angel pulled her eyes away from the display when she felt a warm towel wrapped around her.  She looked up as Erika gave her an encouraging smile.  Her heart began to slow down for the moment.  

“Alright Angel, we’re going to go for a short walk to your new room.” 

Angel nodded and walked with Erika out of the room into a long hallway with windows lining the right side.  Unlike the metallic room behind them, stone lined the hall walls.  Unable to stop herself, Angel released Erika’s hand and walked over to a window to look outside.   She gasped and took a step back.  Large clouds floated by the window and occasionally a glimpse of dark water reflecting the crescent moon below.  

“We’re flying!”  She exclaimed with a look of amazement towards Erika.  

“Yes, we are.  This castle is flying very high above the ocean below.”  Erika stated as she reached out her hand once more for Angel’s own. Her voice had a sense of warning as her prior smile faded.

“How are we flying?”  Angel asked, seemingly not to notice the change in emotion from Erika, while she gave Erika her hand, and they continued walking.  

“I guess you can call it magic,” Erika replied as they reached the end of the hallway which split into a T.  The hall on the left had more windows and metal doors that had numbers written on them. The right hallway also had the same metal doors but was windowless.  

Erika went left.  Angel followed and looked at the doors when passing them.  

What’s going to happen to me? 

“What’s behind these doors?”  Angel asked and started to stop. Erika jerked her hand and forced her to continue walking. 

“Failed experiments are in those rooms.”  

  “Oh,” Angel frowned and wanted to ask Erika about it, but she hesitated as Erika stopped in front of another door at the end of the hallway.  This door appeared to be more secure than the previous ones.   Erika reached forward with her free hand and touched the security scanner.  A green light scanned her hand and was followed by a beep.   The door unlocked, and Erika opened it for Angel to walk in first.  

Inside was a room with two similar secured doors on either side of it, and a third door that was entirely different in the middle.  The door in the middle was made of stone and didn’t appear to have any means to open it.  On the stone were eight strange markings in a circle and two feathers crossed in the middle.  Angel felt a force coming from the stone door, calling her to come to it.  She started to take a step forward when Erika tightened her hold.  

“You are never to touch that door.  This door on the left is your new room.”  She walked over to the metal door, pulling Angel with her, and scanned her hand.  

I wonder why I can’t touch that door.

The door to the large room opened to a four poster bed with a basic white dress and a pair of underwear resting on it, a dresser in the far corner, a stand-up mirror next to the bed, and a large window on the opposite wall with the wind blowing through a slight opening.  

Angel walked in and released Erika’s hand at the same time.  Slowly, she walked to the bed and touched the dress.  Erika shut the door and came over.  

“Go ahead and get dressed.”  

Angel did as directed.  She pulled on the underwear and the dress and felt it fall to just above her knees. 

How did I get here? I’m scared.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded off from all around.  Angel grabbed the bed post and scanned the room with wild eyes. 

What’s going on?

“S**t!  Angel, stay here.  I’ll be right back.”  Erika ran to the door, opened it, and left.  As the door shut and locked, Angel slowly released the bed post.  Looking over the room again, she noticed the mirror once more and slowly walked over to it.  

Why am I here? Who am I? What’s going on?

Her eyes filled with tears from the overwhelming emotions that flooded her as she saw herself for the first real time.  Her brown hair was wet and stuck to her face, her brown eyes were wide with surprise, and her small body looked too small in the dress that she wore.  The tears began to fall down her cheeks, and she closed her eyes and began to cry.

“Don’t cry,” The voice shocked her as she snapped open her eyes and saw in the reflection a small boy standing behind her. Quickly, she turned around, took a step back, and faced him.  The boy was around the same age as she was, with unruly short black hair that stuck out at different angles.  His dark, almost black, eyes caught her breath.  

“Who are you?”  Angel asked shakily. 

He shook his head and looked at the door.  “I will explain things later, but right now we have to leave.  Come with me.”  

“Leave?  Why?”  Angel asked as he walked over to the window and pushed it fully open.  “Oh no, you’re crazy!”  

“It’s not safe here.”  The boy looked back at her with straining eyes as he leaned against the window and held out his hand to her.  “You have to trust me.  I’ll protect you.”  

Although his voice was calm, the pleading in his eyes was evident. Angel took a slow step forward then another until she reached him and gave him her hand.  The relief that washed over his face was apparent.  He climbed over the windowsill and helped her follow him. Together, they were standing on a landing beneath the window.  

The castle wall was a thick dark gray stone. Along the edges was a landing that appeared to wrap around the castle. It was approximately a foot wide and slightly wet from the cloud moisture around them. 

  Angel felt her body shaking as the cold wind rushed their hair back. 

“Don’t look down.”  He said as the wind blew around them.  “We have to climb for a bit then when the castle drops close to the water, we’ll jump.”  

“Why?”  Her voice was high as she gulped and tightened her hold on his hand.  

“I’ll explain everything later. We have to keep moving.” The boy replied. His words were almost lost in a powerful wind gust as they began to move along the landing with their bodies pressed against the castle wall. 

What am I doing?  I'm crazy!  

They began their climb one step at a time.  Angel wasn’t sure why she did it, but, as they passed another window, she looked into it and almost lost her footing.  Inside was a small metal room with a single bed.  Sitting on the floor was a little boy who looked more like a skeleton as his skin hung to the bones.  His lifeless eyes stared out without focusing, and he didn’t move except to breathe.  

The boy with her pulled her closer to him and frowned.  “There’s nothing we can do for him.”  

“Why?”  She cried as he gently pulled her away from the window and moved further down the ledge.  

“His soul was taken.  It’s what they do when you’re not a Fragment.”  

“Soul…”  Before she got the chance to finish the statement, her foot slipped.  She screamed in panic, and they both began to fall.  At the last moment, the boy grabbed the ledge with his free hand.  

“Are you okay?”  He shouted while trying to support both of their weights. He groaned as his fingers turned white from the burden. 

“You won’t be.”  A man’s voice from the window above them stated.  The boy jerked his head up and glared at the man that was leaning outside of the window above them.  The man had a grin on his face, but his blue eyes, behind his glasses, glared at them.  

“Tohma,” The boy spat the name out. Angel was crying from fear and pain from her arm.  She didn’t understand what was happening, but the look in the man’s eyes frightened her.  

“Did you think you could escape from me?”  Tohma asked as he reached out to grab them. 

The boy took a deep breath and tightened his hold on her hand.   Tohma’s eyes widen in realization as the boy smirked. 

“I did.”  With those words, he released his hold on the ledge, and they began falling toward the dark water below.  Angel released a scream that pierced the night air as the cold wind rushed past them.

The water came quickly, and, when they hit, their hands got pulled from each other.  The boy tried to reach for her, but the water soon swallowed them both into darkness.  

Pain shot through her as her air forced from her lungs. 

I don’t want to die until I know who I am!

The thought crossed her mind, and everything went numb. Angel felt the water around her, the silence, and, before her eyes closed, a pink light engulfed her.  

Reviews

[Anderson West]

Hey Brittanie,

I really liked this first chapter. I liked that you jumped into the story cold without any sort of warmup. It made me question everything that was going on just like the protagonist, Angel, must have felt. So bravo on automatically instilling a sense of empathy with the character and her surroundings.
I also really enjoyed the mix with obvious science fiction elements with a kiss of supernatural (losing one's soul). I'm sure it all plays out beautifully in further chapters.
This first chapter is a really good a hooking the reader to want more. So many unanswered questions that any reader would want answered befall the reader, along with Angel herself. You're taking the main character on the same ride as the reader, and that builds strong empathy with that character on down the road.
Overall, great job, and I look forward to the next chapter.

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Thank you so much for reading it and I hope you enjoy the rest of the book! I appreciate it a lot!

[Daniel-Andre]

This is a decent example of what a first chapter should be like. The main character is introduced and the action starts right away. You had a reader-hook as your very first line in this novel. This is great, in addition, you gave the readers questions that you didn`t answer, which causes the readers to want more.

As it comes to the technical stuff, your sentences/paragraphs were divided which is appreciated. Visually appealing, at least in my opinion. There were very few grammar mistakes, which is very good. You also had a good flow in your lines and the descriptions were very precise and easy to follow. Plus, you didn`t describe more than necessary which is good. The plot is interesting as well, no doubt.

Overall, I thought this was a very good read. You gave me questions I want to see answered and that`s the point with the first chapter. Hook the reader, get them on board, which, of course, is something you did. I`d gladly recommend this to fellow writers and readers. Keep up the good work!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Thank you so much for reading it.I hope you enjoy the rest of the book as well. Could you point out the grammtical errors so I can fix them? Thank you again!

[Daniel-Andre]

No, you know what. I reread the entire thing and those "grammar mistakes" I found was wrong. Well, in theory, they would be mistakes, but what you did is breaking those rules in a good manner.

You see, those "mistakes" I found was misspelled words in the dialogue, but I can see you`ve placed them there on purpose because people doesn`t always speak correctly. Which adds realism to the world in your story.

A grand example I like of breaking this such rule is a line from Oliver Bowden`s novel, Assassin`s Creed: Black Flag. Where the main character Edward Kenway explains the history he shares with a couple of his mates by saying, "aye, we WAS privateers together." When he actually should`ve said, "aye, we WERE privateers together."

So no, I`m taking that back, I can`t see any grammar mistakes here. Very good, and nice that you managed to break this rule.

[S. von Glaubitz]

An interesting beginning! I'm intrigued by the apparent coexistence of science and magic, and that alone makes me curious to read more. You've also set up a lot of mysteries and a cliffhanger, which are both great for a first chapter.

That being said, I have a few questions and some general comments.

First question: Why is there a break right at the beginning? At first I thought it was a change in point of view, but that didn’t turn out to be the case. What purpose does it serve, or was it accidental?

Next, is there anyone else in the room with Erika when Angel wakes up? There must be since she gives an order: "Hurry and get her out of there!"

What is the exterior of the castle like? The messy-haired boy tells Angel they have to climb first, but it turns out they start by walking along a ledge. This confused me at first. So what is the ledge like? How wide is it? Is it metallic like the first room or made of stone like the rest of the castle? Is there any wind resistance from the fact that the castle is flying through the air? How high above the water are they?

I'm asking a lot of questions about that moment, but I feel like the whole chapter in general could benefit from answering similar kinds of questions. It feels a little sparse and emotionless, and I think if you took the pace down a little and took a little time to do some world-building, it would greatly improve an otherwise solid foundation. Maybe do a little more to build Erika's character. Really get into Angel's head about how she's dealing with such an odd situation. You might also see some improvement by experimenting with variation in sentence structure. Right now it feels a little rote, and overall like telling, not showing.

I can see you have 21 chapters (the whole book?) posted, so I can only imagine how much your writing improves by then. Exciting stuff!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Answer to your first question: It's only like that on this site. On the original manuscript, there is not a break. I've tried to adjust it on here but to little avail.

I'll definitely return to this chapter and add more to the detail of it. Ah, showing not telling. Believe it or not, I have been working to that motto since my editor had made me rewrite the entire book about five years ago. I'll work on that a bit more now. It helps to have others read it and see things that I've missed after rewriting it so many times.

Yes, this is the entire book one. However, there are three books with book two already with my editor. I hope you continue to enjoy the chapters and appreciate your reviews.

Thank you!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

I edited this chapter and made some adjustments. Thank you again for your review as it really helped a lot.

[cbritto6]

Hi! I liked this first chapter a lot. It was blend of sci-fi and fantasy. And you're keeping a sens eof mystery that makes me want to keep reading.

A couple grammar and structural things:
You may want to changed one of the "stopped"s in this sentence, it's a bit repetitive. "but she stopped herself as Erika stopped in front of another door at the end of the hallway"

Came is the wrong tense. Went maybe? The again, you might want to find a different word altogether.

"Strolled" "sauntered" etc... " Erika shut the door and came over to the bed."
You can combine these two sentences. "The door opened into a large bedroom. In it was a four poster bed with..." TO "The door to the large room opened to a four poster bed...."

But that's all small structural things. The pace was good, you build it and then get into some action. I'll keep reading!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Thank you so much. I will defiantly take into consideration with what you suggested. I think those are great ideas! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

I edited this chapter and made some adjustments. Thank you again for your review as it really helped a lot.

[Thatonedawg]

Wow! This opens so many questions and curiosities! This is really good! Even though it will be a slow going process, I really want to read this! Great work, really draws interest!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Oh my gosh thank you so much! It makes Mr really happy to have you read it and like it. I hope the rest of the book is exciting and fun to read. :)

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Me ^ not Mr...

[Thatonedawg]

Lol I assumed as much! XD Hopefully tomorrow I will have more time! I am seriously intrigued and have wondered what happened to the two of them! You keep it up! Great work!