Loving you was harder than hating you

I love you...But I hate you

I already forgiven you... But I don't want to...

I want to keep hating yo, blaming you for my broken heart, and seeing you as the one responsible for my separation and loneliness....

But I can't... because I know it was not your fault.. you got hurt as I did.. felt the same pain or even worse, and this hurt me even more.....

I heard a lot of stories about you.. I believed them all..without knowing if it's true or not...I decided to ignore the fact that these stories might not be true... I was desperate for any reason to make me love you...

Yet I still feel pain in my heart whenever I see anything that reminds me of you...A sharp pain in the heart like if there was something eating it from inside.....The hate was getting bigger and bigger, Trying to understand why I feel all of this? why do I care? Why do I love you so much? I never really knew you! you have never been there for me when I needed you the most! maybe you needed me at the same time, maybe you couldn't take the pain....

It was easier to hate you... To blame you... But I can't stop myself form loving you with all I have have...the pain is worse than ever and it's not getting easier for me to bare it... like reopening a wound to make it deeper and wait for it to start healing so you can open it again.