Camping out (Part 1 of 3)

Paul and Aria, who are new friends from work, go on a romantic camping trip for a weekend.

 I met Amanda a little over a month ago.  We met at work. We connected right away.  She's always been polite and friendly to everyone. We've become friends and have started taking breaks together.  I find myself rushing to work each day to see and talk to her before starting our shift. Amanda is about 20, while I am pushing 50, so maybe she is just spending time with me because I'm 'safe'. I hoped not!

I'm struck by Amanda's beauty. Her long, flowing blonde hair. Her height and great figure. Her beautiful legs. Her charm and sense of humor. Her smile and positivity.  

I asked her out for coffee at first and she consented. We went out right after work. We talked over Frappe Lattes and some other donut type stuff for about two hours.  It was the best coffee conversation I have ever had.

I called her the next day, a Saturday, and we chatted for about an hour or so about basically nothing. It was a great conversation.  Talking to Amanda likely raises my pulse about 50 points.    

I asked her out of the blue if she would like to go camping with me!   She sounded interested. omg. It's all I could think about for the next few days. I started planning our two day camping trip to Huntington State Park that would take place two weeks later.  She had told me once that being outside in the elements and appreciating nature are important to her.  I have no idea if our age difference even matters to her.

I rented two kayaks. I organized my cook stove, two large coolers, a few water canteens, life jackets, sleeping bags, and other needed stuff. I dusted off my one large, and one smaller tent. I didn't want to scare her off by telling her I planned on sharing a tent with her right away.

We were thrilled with our campsite and our plans for the weekend. After reserving our camp spot and setting up our tents, we got in the truck and went out for a quick dinner of beers and burgers, before putting the kayaks in the water.  

After having a blast kayaking down the river for the first afternoon, we tiredly returned to our camp spot in the evening.  We had much to talk about. Neither of us had ever kayaked before, so it was learn as you go. There were some thrilling moments too.  We really enjoyed ourselves and we were looking forward to relaxing in front of a campfire. 

The sun was about to set as we finally got the fire going in the firepit.  I made sure there was enough brush and wood to last most of the night. I made Amanda a cocktail, and I just opened a beer as we sat close to each other on a big log in front of the fire.  As the sky gradually darkened, we talked about how we were raised, our siblings, our fears and phobias, and how neither of us are at all interested in money or fancy possessions. We are both just simple people who want to be happy and content, not rich and burdened down.  

After an hour or so, Amanda told me she was tired and was going to her tent to try and rest up for the next day.  We had both set up our individual tents with our own sleeping bags and other needed items earlier in the day. I hoped for a goodnight hug or something, but I consoled myself by thinking this trip is only about half over now, and there might be time for that stuff later on in the trip.

I stayed out by the fire. I was tired, but not really drowsy yet. Seeing the campfire in all its brilliance in the fire pit is always fun for me.  

But I started to feel sad about things. Maybe I should have just done the 'dinner and Netflix' idea with her instead?  Am I pushing it? Am I expecting too much? Is she attracted to me at all?

After putting a few bigger wood pieces on the fire and straightening up a little outside, I decided to try and get some sleep as well.  I went to my tent quietly and started to get ready for bed. I took the smaller of the two tents so that Amanda can have more room. While struggling to get undressed and comfortable in my small tent, I griped to myself about how 'damned hard it is to quietly get undressed and ready for bed in the dark while in an unfamiliar tent!'

I was glad that I placed two of the larger pieces of wood on the fire before leaving for my tent.  I wanted the heat first off, since I was noticing a sudden chill in the air, and I liked having the light from the fire.  After finally getting comfortable in my sleeping bag, I started to drift off thinking pleasant thoughts of the lovely young lady in the adjoining tent.  

Minutes later, I was spooked to hear the unfamiliar sound of the zipper to my tent being opened.  Who could be doing this in the middle of the night?  I was aghast to hear Amanda's voice in the darkness, "Paul, are you still awake?"

Author's Note

Please give feedback.

Reviews

[Glenda]

I have to admit I have already read all the camping stories 1-3. I read frequently "outside of the box". Rarely I am tempted to sign on to write a review. The anticipation of these stories really got me to sign in and say Keep writing! (I love how you wrote it about Aria and Paul)

[Ballpark Frank]

Thank you very kindly.

[Papaya]

Good writing. I would have preferred older woman to younger man for obvious reasons. 🤷🏻‍♀️
But the writing is solid. Your intro line says Aria, should it say Amanda?

[Unforgiven II]

I had a co worker once that I felt something like this towards... I think it's going to turn out better for this character than it did for me.

Great place to leave off, keeping us in suspense for part 2. I must admit, I'm feeling some anticipation already. Excellent job on that!

[Ballpark Frank]

Thank you. I'm glad you read and reviewed

[Coffeeprincess]

Excellent can't wait to see what happens next.

[Ballpark Frank]

Thank you! Appreciate that very much.

[Samuel Dickens]

You know, you sure grabbed this old geezer's attention. A 20 year-old? Better eat some oysters! I can't even dare to dream about such a thing, but I wish this fellow luck. It happens... it surely does. Very good writing.

[Ballpark Frank]

Thank you Sam for your usual nice insights and encouragement. I appreciate you!

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for comment, and your bio says you want to share your writing, so I thought you’d want to know about something critical—the result of what I like to call, The Great Misunderstanding, that’s getting in the way. It’s unrelated to talent, how well you write, or the story. But still, it is the thing that gets the vast majority of submissions rejected within a paragraph, so it's worth fixing.

The reason you haven't seen it, is that like most hopeful writers, when you read your own work you have an immense advantage over your reader. You start out knowing who we are, where we are, and what’s going on. So you have context the reader lacks. That's critical, because without context the words are meaningless. You also know what motivates every character, and their backstory. But what does a reader have? Only what the words you supply suggest to them, based on THEIR background, not yours. There are ways around that, but they aren't taught in our school days.

Look at the opening with both that realization, and, the knowledge of what we're trying to accomplish. E. L. Doctorow put it well with, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” So, as we go thought the story, are we made to feel, or just be well informed?

Fact #1 I met Amanda a little over a month ago.
Fact #2 We met at work.
Fact #3 We connected right away.
Fact #4 She's always been polite and friendly to everyone.
Fact #5 We've become friends and have started taking breaks together.
Fact #6 I find myself rushing to work each day to see and talk to her before starting our shift.

One declarative sentence follows another as the narrator reports and explains. In short, this a report, presented in overview, by a narrator whose voice can’t be heard, and so, contains only the emotion suggested by punctuation. As such, and like a history book, we learn of events, we're not made to experience them, vicariously.

But your reader wants raw meat. They want to be made to feel, and to care, not be well informed on events taking place in the life of a fictional character. Think of yourself reading a horror story. How exciting would it be to read that the protagonist feels terror, when you’re expecting the author to terrorize YOU, and make you afraid to turn out the lights?
- - - -
So…let’s go back to that great misunderstanding I mentioned:

In our school days we're given a skill called writing. We spent years perfecting that skill by writing endless reports and essays. And by the time we leve school were pretty good at writing them. And in life and on the job it’s been a useful skill. But…the word “writing,” that’s part of the profession we call, Fiction-Writing, does NOT point to that skill. It refers to the skills of the Fiction-Writing profession. And the specialized knowledge of every profession is acquired IN ADDITION, to the schooldays skills commonly called, The Three R’s. So though we're not aware of it, we leave our school years exactly as qualified to pilot the space shuttle as to write fiction.

The goal of our schooldays writing skills is to inform the reader, clearly and concisely. It provides an informational experience via an approach that is fact-based and author-centric. Using it, you can tell the reader that the protagonist feels terror, but no way in hell will you move that reader emotionally. That takes the emotion-based and character-centric writing techniques designed to provide an emotional, not an informational experience.

There's no reason you can’t learn those skills as easily as anyone else, though. And think about it: Since you began to read, your fiction of choice has been created using the skills of the profession. We can’t see them as we read, any more than we see the knife techniques and prep techniques of the chef when we eat. But we do notice the result of those skills being used—and, expect to do that, just as others expect to see the result of them in your writing. And that’s the best argument I know of for spending a bit of time acquiring the skills the pros take for granted. And as a bonus, once you master them, and the protagonist becomes your co-writer, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun.

The local library system’s fiction-writing section is filled with the views of pros in publishing, writing, and teaching.

The best book on the nuts and bolts issues I’ve found to date, though, is available free, at the site below. Use the leftmost button to download an epub version, or the tab next to it for Kindle’s mobi.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

For a kind of overview of some issues that are dramatically different from the kind of writing you were given in school, you might dig around in the articles in my WordPress blog. They’re meant for the hopeful writer.

So…I know this was nothing like what you were hoping for when you posted the story. And having been there, I know how much this kind of thing hurts. But you did ask. And you can’t fix the problem that you don’t see as being one, or use the tool you don’t know exists. So I thought you’d want to know.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[barleygirl]

This is a great story, starting out, & I plan to read all the installments posted. I love the way you show us a nice blend of actions, along with glimpses of what your characters are thinking. Your character development is strong & I want to know & follow these two thru whatever adventures you present. This story could be fine just the way you've written it, but I'll offer some possibilities. First, I feel you write using too many short simple sentences, which can make the flow feel choppy. I like using short sentences, but it's best to have a blend of longer complex sentences. I get the feeling you don't feel confident connecting some of these short ideas into longer flowing narratives. Even if you try it just a couple times, here & there, you have to learn to master complex sentences if you want to write stories. Secondly & similarly, you have to master dialogue if you want to do stories. You refer to things being said -- this is a big flag that indicates dialogue could be used here. I was scared shitless the first few times I did dialogue, it felt so clunky. But it's a great feeling to master dialogue & it's a great way to show how people respond to each other -- SHOW instead of telling. The thing I only recently mastered myself is using dialog tags to show the physicality of the scene, facial expressions, hand movements, head tilts . . . all these things show us how the two characters are responding to each other without TELLING about it. You do excellent expository, but you gotta learn to show thru dialogue & depicting the physicality of how the two react to each other. One thing I do to help remind me to do this is to ask myself these questions: how did it look, how did it feel, how did it smell, taste or sound? Also, when it comes to sound, it's fun to use "sound" words (onomatopoeia) -- like at the end, with the zipper . . . you could make up some way to SHOW the zipper sound instead of telling us about it. Thanks for taking my ideas into consideration. I have written a few books in the past year & each one, I try to do better at these things. I do not believe in re-working stories to achieve the perfect amount of everything. Nobody likes to rework a piece. It's better to just move on, create new material while incorporating what we learn. So don't think I'm asking you to overhaul this story. It's a great story just like it is & you can go on to write more stories that are fuller & richer (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Ballpark Frank]

Thank you my dear friend...you are so kind. I'm flattered that you care this much about my writing. I have read and reread these suggestions. I treasure these.

[.]

A fine first part here, Frankie! This is a very bold guy to take a lady camping on almost a first real date! She agreed so good luck to him! You have outlined those first moments of meeting and connecting with someone for the first time really well and you end the chapter with a moment of suspense to keep the reader interested in what is to come....so a neat beginning from where I sit! Much enjoyed! :)

[Ballpark Frank]

Oh my! Thank you so much! This is my very first review. I appreciate that.