Sonnet 4: Wilt our love be as translucent sky?

My 4th Sonnet

Wilt our Love be as translucent sky? 

diffracting all the chromatic hopes and dreams

A preluding surface on what we shalt lie 

That stretches over what we seekth, in eternal schemes?

Could I credit the transcendent stargaze,

And drench my self in glory of revery 

Should be exalted from my mortal days 

Till throned by my divine wealth,a heart treasury.

But love so pure wilt borrow me happiness

Rather would I be free than so made bound

That pain I hath embossed by my noblesse

Thy Immanent presence shalt incur love profound.

A human heart to which my soul might flee

And dream to fly into the eternal space of love,with thee.

Author's Note

Pardon my Shakespearean English...there could be some errors in it..
Writing a sonnet is a tough job...its difficult to project your emotions rightly...you..kind of deviate from your theme sometimes..isn't it? much like a fast bowler in cricket,bowling with a new ball and getting the ball to swing but not being able to control his swing.

Reviews

[SHEEMA HUQ]

relentless affection and astronomy combined, suble yet whimisical i felt

[Michael Kevin Spencer]

I had to give some props to whoever wrote this, it was a neat use of language.

[James William Dyer]

I loved the first two lines and the rhyming couplet at the end a lot. Whats I didn't like was the inclusion of archaic words like thou and whilst and what not

[Manpreet]

Nice attempt and it worked well. This brings freshness in your style and new sound to the poem. Nice work!!

[Marie]

I never thought of comparing the writing of a sonnet to cricket, but you could be right. However, your sonnets are improving, and your Shakespearean English is becoming smooth.

[Balkaran Sidhu]

thanx Marie.... :)

[patricia]

The last two stanza's are utterly gorgeous. Liked the shakespear touch.

[Balkaran Sidhu]

thanx

[quinfinn]

the problem with "billy shakes" style is that if you don't get every tense properly you lose syntax and meaning...you have done pretty well herein, but it does "struggle" in a couple of places. the poem itself is absolutely lovely and wonderfully penned. keep practicing and studying the "shakesperian" style...it isn't easy to grasp. well done....

[Balkaran Sidhu]

thanx

[gombeggar]

i think this is a wonderful shot at the shakespearian...very nice

[Balkaran Sidhu]

thanx :)

[Felicity's Eve]

It may be tough, but you are wonderful at it. I love the flow, the words you used, the overall theme. Lovely. Just, lovely. :)

P.s. Great simile in your Author's Note ;)

[Balkaran Sidhu]

Thanx nora :)

[Felicity's Eve]

:)