The Magic Canopy of love

Free verse- For Ten Words Contest

As I look at the canopy of my life
And recall the red letter day of it
It was the day you entered
The kingdom of my heart, when

My whole existence turned into
A utensil containing
The ocean called love
You roamed like a starfish
Making my tiny heart tickle
You made my own identity diminish
To a sparse microorganism
While you danced in my soul

Like a wild palomino in lush valleys
As the wheel of my life progressed
My dream of our two souls walking abreast
Remained a distant dream
With you reigning my heart
And soul like a monarch.
My own existence became
A nonexistent being, being lost in you...

 

 

Reviews

[Great Aunt Astri]

Sometimes love can suffocate... sometimes that is wonderful, to be lost in one's true love. But I have a feeling that it would be better to have your 'dream of our two souls walking abreast.' The person in your poem is perhaps happier being a 'non-existent being, being lost in you.'?' Inspired poem.

[Bala Gorthi]

I think or rather for me love us merging with the other soul in every plane. With every breath the lover is lived wherever he or she might be. The souls become one if it is two way.or just the single soul bathes in his or her love. Some souls are happy being lost in others.
Asking something in return makes it a game or deal..
Thank you very much for your visit and appreciation..

[Great Aunt Astri]

Yes, but don't you think we should keep our separate identities? Although, at a 'soul level' I am sure two lovers can be one.

[Bala Gorthi]

Of course for the world or profession we all maintain and have to maintain individual identities. read moreOf course for the world or profession we all maintain and have to maintain individual identities.
And human ego is such that it can spring its hood anytime with anyone and that is why we separation and differences. I was just saying about how I see love as and how magical it can be.
There were times when I would feel like that for my bonds whether with mother, brother, father friend or anyone. Ever willing to do anything, always forgiving. My own self never mattered to me. I wondered how that could be.Then I realised it was the power of purity of love that could make me be so.. But long that purity can stay is a question? But I I do believe we all be selfless and egoless ( losing identity) with some people at some point of time in our lives. Of course in the long run as we grow out identities become important..
Just a personal observation....

[William Liston]

I know one thing for certain: You have a special talent for 10-word contests. The metaphors, nuances, descriptions, and images all meld perfectly. Also, I typically don't like it when a poet capitalizes every line, but I think it works well in this piece ... your enjambment and spot-on syntax make it work without tampering the readability. I did, however, stumble at the line "In which you swim ..." I paused after the line before that, and therefore expected the next line to be it's own sentence, not a continuation of the same sentence. That being said, I suggest taking out the "in which" phrase to make it a complete sentence. Other than that, I had no problems with the piece at all. I immensely enjoyed.

- William Liston

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank very much William, for your kind visit and very honest reviews.
I agree with your observation. Surprisingly the phrase you pointed out was not there in my original draft I had to add it on the suggestion of someone. It was just you swam in it like a starfish. Strange no? Someone thinks exactly the way I do. I am glad to have met you William. Please do keep giving your valued opinions. I very much appreciate your visit.

[barleygirl]

Great title, which provokes a sense that love can overtake a person the way a canopy shuts out the sun . . . we enjoy the shade, but in the extreme, a lack of sun could be equivalent to losing oneself in the love experience. As always, you writing is very imaginative & full of sparkling analogies. I love the juxtaposition between starfish with tiny heart and the wild palamino -- this SHOWS how one in a relationship can overpower the other, despite this powerful horse that's seductive & desirable. I think starfish do not swim, so I would try to think of a different verb . . . ideas: "you sneak/slink/snake/slither along like a starfish" . . . (???) All in all, I'm very impressed by your talent for doing these 10-word poems in a way that isn't predictable at all . . . very refreshing & imaginative!

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you very much Margie, for your visit and all that appreciation. I agree with your observation. Love is like that. It works like a magic and in its charm we sometimes totally go blind to many things. We get a world but we lose a world,our whole self, in that process.
As regards your suggestion I will definitely change the word. Thank you for bringing this to my notice, Margie. I really missed all your honest reviews of my work. I have been out for two days and going to be busy for a few days with my guests. Duties put passion behind. But I'll try to catch up as much.
Thank you for being back.

[barleygirl]

Enjoy your busy week & thanks for the appreciation! (((HUGS)))

[Sami Khalil]

So beautiful and enchanting. I enjoyed every line and sentence. You are talented...:).....................

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you For visiting and leaving your precious comments, Sir. Keep visiting.

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome. ....::::)))))

[.]

A very romantic poem.

Not a fan of free verse myself, but you have managed to present your heartfelt words in a lovely free flowing progression of thoughts and images.

Once again, good use of vocabulary and some divine imagery throughout. Especially your reference to palominos. I appreciate that one very much.

Another finely written piece, Bala. Keep up the good work.

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you for reading and reviewing this piece, Doodley. Your reviews are always encouraging and enlightening. I always appreciate your visit and kind words.

[Lydia Shutter]

Heavy sigh! Such a gloriously romantic write. Lovely. lydi**

[Bala Gorthi]

Your visit and words are much appreciated. Thank you, Lydia.

[Papaya]

so lovely how you blended these random words into a beautiful poem. well done!

[Bala Gorthi]

Your visit and words are much appreciated. Thank you for visiting.

[Papaya]

You are welcome Bala.

[Surya]

Haha, I loved last line...you play very well with given words...I enjoyed dive here..:)

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you, Surya for the visit and enjoying the write. This time the words touched my soul and instantly the result is this poem.

[Manu]

This is one really smooth piece to read. The more I read this one, the more I fall in love with this poem. Effortless writing and excellent imagination. Very delicately woven. I felt that those 10 words were created especially for this piece. Like always another wonderful writing from you.
Keep up the good work :-) :-)

[Bala Gorthi]

All credit to those ten words which sparked this poem.
Well dear, as always, your words give a lot of boost and are always encourage me to do even better. Thank you for being in my life and encouraging me.
Thanks for your kind visit and words.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

"My own existence became
A nonexistent being, being lost in you..."

I like the metaphors you used here and the imagery is quite excellent.
Soft, touching read.

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you for visiting and appreciating. The verses you picked are my favourites too..

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I liked them the best :)
You're welcome, Bala. Always a pleasure reading :)