The Gig: Part III of the Quest

The end of the journey

The Gig

1.

The Nice Green Lawn

I awake in a new place and feel really pretty good.  I’ve flipped realities so many times in the past that the new consciousness I’m experiencing is automatically accepted and embraced.  I’m on a peninsula of some kind with a wide expanse of green lush manicured grass expanding out to what looks to be a high mountain lake.  The air is warm and still and smells of flowers and lake water, assorted birds fly across the expanse of the lake and the air is filled with their chirping.  Across the large lake, there is a vast mountain range with snow on the upper peaks.  But where I’m at, it feels like mid-summer as the sun is shining and the sky is bright blue, almost purple in color.  From what I can tell, I’m alone on the peninsula.  I think to walk towards the water and cross the long expanse of lush green grass that reminds me of a well-manicured golf course.  I notice that I’m not wearing any shoes and the grass feels very cool and soft.  It feels good to go without shoes.  I’m wearing a tank top and notice my arms and chest are tan and very strong.  My entire body is very fit.  After my journey to the island where I met Shannon, I take inventory and notice I’m the same person as I was then.  I have long thick hair and a strong youthful body.  I’m much more aware of my self and my past now than when I arrived on the tropical beach so many moments or years ago. I begin to jog across the grass and notice my body responds immediately and begins to run faster.  By the time I’m near the shore of the lake, I notice I can run very fast effortlessly.  It’s nice here and as I gaze across the lake to the mountains, I turn once again towards the place where I came from and notice a bench.  It’s a simple stone bench and it’s adjacent to a path covered in soft organic matter.  For no other reason, I begin walking toward the bench and continue to take in the beautiful setting.  After looking behind me at the lake momentarily, I turn back and now see a woman coming out of the forest that borders the green lawn.  She is walking toward the bench and then sits down waiting patiently with a very content and happy look on her face.  She is not Jean the Guide, but someone else.  This person is someone I know and I feel good about seeing her.  

When I come up to the bench, I ask the lady if it’s okay to sit with her.  She says absolutely, and pats the seat next to her indicating I should sit.  I move over and sit down, and take in the scenery.  With a caring look, she asks how I’m doing.  I look into her eyes and realize how pretty she is.  She is older than me in this life, as I feel young, but she is not old.  Then it hits me like a brick.  Her name is Mary and I know her from my past.  She is dressed in a very pretty white sundress that is flowing around her sculpted arms and extends past her knees and she is not wearing shoes.  I think that she kind of looks like a hippy chick.  She is like someone who would own a bookstore that sold coffee and interesting books.  The bookstore would have an open porch that you could read and enjoy the moment.  I don’t know why I think of these things in the moment of my introduction, but I do.  I do and she knows what I’m thinking.  This is not good, as I’ve got all sorts of goofy thoughts floating around in my head, some very irreverent.  

I slowly look back into her eyes and don’t know what to say.  I fumble around and fidget.  I’m sitting next to this woman who is the picture of grace, and I’m an idiot.  I know this in my soul, and try to stammer something out, but nothing happens.  I apologize to her not knowing why, but really it comes down to the fact that I’m nervous and not sure what to say, so being the idiot that I am, I start to laugh.  

Then a thought pops into my head. Could this be Mary from my Catholic teachings?  I’ve moved away from being the Catholic that I used to be.  That person went to church every week, was an alter boy when I was young, and taught Catholic Education to the children in my parish.  But that person is long gone.  Since that time I’ve gotten disillusioned with religion, especially formal religion.  I think the idea behind it is a good one, but in my opinion it’s gotten twisted and is not what God would want.  At least that’s my opinion.  So now that I’m sitting next to Mary the Icon, I’m not surprised I’m fidgeting and acting uncomfortable.  I wonder if she’s going to berate me for not attending mass and all the rest.  But I find a nice surprise.  I only feel a warm loving energy radiating from her and her eyes tell me not to worry.  With that I find my energy rebounding and it’s wonderful.  We both begin to laugh once again with this round a happy laughter, not the nervous idiot laughing I was prone to just a few minutes prior.  

We continue to laugh until it plays out, and the laughter is replaced by a very content silence.  She breaks the silence by thanking me for all the kind things I’ve done in my life and conveys to me that I should feel good about all the random acts of kindness that I’ve done.  I thought she had the list of all the bad things I’ve done.  The times that I skipped church as a kid, or drank too much, or smoked pot.  Most of the things now seem trivial, but there were some things that I’ve done that I feel bad about.  Most of these things were omissions.  People that I could have helped but didn’t.  Things I could have done but didn’t.   Understand, this is not the overall feel of the visit.  Far from it.  This is awesome, it’s just that these things pop into my head, as a coach would tell a player that had a great game, but could use work in some other area of my game, but overall you feel pretty good about your performance.  That’s how I feel now.  I feel good.

Mary once again looks at me with an unbelieving caring and love in her eyes and says “Brian, you and I have known each other for a long long time”.  I don’t know what to say to this, but say that I’m glad.  I wait hoping for more insight to my soul and the beyond and really just to sit here with her forever would work out too.  I’m giddy, and I’m so enjoying the moment that I don’t want it to end.  We start conversing like two people who know each other well and the flow of thoughts moves in and out of things.  When she mentions Shannon I stop and focus on her next words like my life depends on it.  It doesn’t but I’m trying to convey what I’m thinking.  She tells me that his time came and he’s now in what I was taught as heaven as a child, and now has a better understanding of where he is.  When I ask to see him, she mentions that I will see him when my time comes and we’ll be together again.  I’ve heard this many times since he died, and wish I could get a better answer to my question.  But I don’t. Mary tilts her head back slightly and takes in the sun and watches the birds for a second.  While looking at the sky she asks me to look up also.  I follow her gaze and see a flock of birds moving through the sky chirping a wonderful song that makes me feel even more at peace.  I notice lightness about me as I look up.   To get an indication what this feeling means I look into her eyes trying to get a glimpse into her thoughts.  With a slight nod of her head she smiles and tells me I can go where ever I want if I so choose, and would I like to take a trip with her.  I cannot believe what I’m hearing.  Mary, the woman who I prayed to since my childhood is asking me to go with her.  The fact that she would ask me to travel with her and me alone makes me feel so incredibly special, that I make a gasp sound and nod my head.  The fact does not leave me.  Billions of people, and that’s a lot, pray to this woman daily.  Let me say this again.  Billions of people pray to her every day, and she’s taking the time to show me some cool stuff with only the two of us.  

2.

She gracefully moves off the bench and extends her hand to me.  I look at her wondering what’s going to happen and slide my hand into hers.  It’s a wonderful feeling when our skin touches.  Kind of like an electric current of all the good things in life flow into my hand and brain.  It’s really hard to explain how good this feels to be standing holding this woman’s hand in this place.  Her hand is so soft, smooth and warm and I want to hold it forever. She is walking backward smiling at me and asks if I would like to try something different.  I nod smiling this goofy contented smile and slowly move with her.  At some point, she releases my hand and to my amazement begins to run toward the water.  Her movement is graceful and athletic with strong loping strides that cover ground quite fast.  I’m keeping up and find the experience fun and very different.  This is the woman who was always wearing flowing robes with a very solemn look.  This woman I’m with now is full of fun and life.  As we continue to run I notice we are becoming lighter.  Not only lighter but also moving faster. I find myself running also and I’m amazed at the strength and ease of my gait. I’m sprinting along trying to catch her and laughing.

Now understand, while I’m running and laughing the entire scenario is not going unnoticed in my mind. I’m chasing Mary the holy woman that I’ve known since childhood.  In all the pictures I’ve seen she is very reverent and holy.  The woman I know now is full of fun and exuberance.  Running and laughing is not something that I would have thought, but it’s here now, and I’m enjoying the feeling.  What I notice next is more of the floating feeling, and it’s not just a feeling as my legs stop touching the grass and I’m going faster through the air.  I look toward her and she’s gracefully leaning back and moving higher in the air.  There is a look of total happiness on her face.  I on the other hand decide that I need to go into the Superman pose with my arms out.  With the ridiculous Superman pose going full blast, I find I’m sinking.  Her voice enters my head and tells me to relax and visualize myself flying.  Intent is everything she says in my mind.  So I relax and lose the stupid pose and send the intent that I want to fly higher and faster.  Voila, it works.  I’m now going higher and faster than I thought possible. 

I’m pretty sure there is so much more trying to bring intention into every day life, but I’m having such a great time, that it goes by me.  Bummers for me as I could use this advise in lots that I do.  As I watch, Mary slowly rotates to her back and smiles at me with a look of pure happiness.  I’m sure she’s happy that she’s showing me this wonderful skill and I cannot believe I’m the recipient.  As we rise into the air my body knows how to fly.  I’m not thinking of the process, it’s more like I’m thinking of where, how high, and how fast to go.  I think it, and it happens.  I’ve dreamt of flying when I was a kid and it always ended badly.  I would rise above the light poles and then slowly sink until I was back on the ground.  No matter how hard I tried to stay in the air, I sank.  Not sure why this was the case in the dream, but in this reality, I’m going up and continue to rise until my little peninsula of green manicured lawn is a postage stamp.  The feeling of flying is so incredibly fun that I’m speechless.  Mary and I are in and out of clouds and moving so fast the blue sky becomes blotted out by the white mists of the clouds.  It’s awesome.  We reach a very high altitude and slow.  This doesn’t frighten me, as I’m totally calm and secure.  I should be scared, but I’m not.  It’s like I know this is all good and nothing can change the positive energy coming out of this event.  As we slow she makes eye contact with me and maintains the connection of our minds.  We finally stop in mid-air and gently float around a white puffy cloud that’s to my left.  I reach with my hand and push into the cloud.  I find that it’s actually cooler than the surrounding air that we’re now gently floating on.  As I wave my hand back and forth the cloud swirls and flows with the gentle air movement.  I’m amazed that I’m swirling parts of the cloud around and it’s reacting to my touch.  I mention this to Mary and she tries to explain how I’m affecting weather in some far off place.  That this little motion of my hand will change what’s going on to a large degree in an area that may be on the other side of the planet.  Thinking this is a bad thing I retrieve my hand from the cloud and peer down to the ground.  I can see the grassy peninsula we started from and it looks very far away.  In my mind I have the image of rainfall over the area due to my messing with the cloud, but it still looks the same.  

Mary indicates to me how small exchanges of energy can alter the flow of something so large as the weather.  She also mentions that our minds can also imprint energy on others, and the transfer of energy to another person can change their energy for days, weeks, months or a lifetime.  Looking away in the distance for some time, she speaks so quietly that I have to strain to hear her. She whispers in a quiet and tired voice that the earth is full of negative energy. That it’s difficult to understand how this negative energy continues to swirl around the globe is affecting our lives.  It’s so sad she says, and the laughing playful woman is now very introspective and distant.  I too feel her sadness and now understand all the statues and images of her looking solemn and forlorn.  It’s really true that the earth has so much sadness, anger, hate, and negative energy that influences our daily lives, and it’s unfortunate that it has to be that way.  What comes to my mind is the sadness I continually have at losing my son Shannon.  His death has created a cloud of sadness that doesn’t leave.  It may move away for a time and I experience the nice days without the cloud, but it always seems to come back, sometimes darker and worse than ever.  I wish it would leave and my son would return, but it doesn’t, nor does he.  Maybe this is what she’s talking about.  Then again, maybe she’s talking about the cruelty and hate that is ever present in our world.  Slowly turning to her I ask if negative energy will ever leave our world, to be replaced by only good positive energy.  Building enthusiasm I talk about how wonderful the world would be if we didn’t have locks on doors and crime, if we didn’t have poverty and hunger and want and need.  What if we lived in happiness and love all the time?  Her expression changes slowly.  The sad faraway look is changed as she turns her head to me and starts to smile a nice smile.  Not the happy giddy smile that I saw as we were running, but a smile that says it is possible, but not in this world.  This world is dominated by free will, and to our ultimate end, we choose the free will of negativity.  She looks down at the green lush peninsula surrounded by the dark blue waters of the mountain lake and then looks at me again.  She reaches over and once again takes my hand.  The electric feeling is back and it’s wonderful.  She looks into my eyes and says that there is such a place.  This place is where your son Shannon is right now.  It is timeless and life and nothing like it is there.  It’s a place of love with positive loving energy dominating the existence of life there.  

You will experience this energy again, as you have in the past when you were home in what you know as heaven.  

At this moment, I really want to go home.  Home and away from all my pain and longing for my son and to be away from all of life’s trials.  I’m surprised at how bad I want to go to this place.  I always knew this was the end of life’s reward, but for whatever reason it sounded boring to me.  To go to heaven with a bunch of people who were no fun and all we would do is perform some sort of church function.  It sounded pretty lame to me, but this is what they told me I would end up.  They being the Catholic priests, nuns, and brothers.  What Mary has described and imprinted on my brain is a place of wonder and adventure.  Of mountains and streams and flying and beauty and love.  This place is where Shannon is, where Megan and Patty and I will go and hopefully, Daisy is already there, and is where Baily and Mia are going.  Where our family can be whole again.  I ask Mary about Megan for no other reason that when I think of Shannon, I think of Megan, and of how much she misses her brother.  It’s just another painful thing here on earth to think of how much pain Megan endures on a daily basis being without her brother who she loved.  It’s a giant hole in my soul when I think of the pain that both Megan and Patty have experienced losing this boy.  Along with my longing and the pain I know, it’s almost too much to bear.  This is why I want to end my pain to go to this place of wonder.

All of these thoughts go through my head on a daily basis.  Why should this day be any different?  Even though I’m with Mary in the clouds, the thoughts still come.  I thought I would be able to block them out being in this wonderful existence, but it’s not to be.  Mary understands this and moves over to me and gives me a great hug.  It’s wonderful, and the pain in my heart is replaced with a warm loving feeling.  I want this feeling to stay with me forever and maybe it will when I go home. I really don’t know.

Again, the story always seems to go back to me.  To my pain and want to be away from all of life’s ills.  This story I’m telling you now would be better with more action I think.  More adventure and thrills. But instead it always seems to come back to my pain.  Okay, no more.  I’m on to the cooler part of the story and I’ll leave the other stuff behind.  You understand, yes?  At least I hope that’s where this will go.

After the great hug, Mary slowly moves away, leans back and increases her speed downward and away.  She slowly rolls over with her fun hippy dress flowing around here quite elegantly.  The material is flowing through the wind and it’s my cue to follow her.  Before I catch myself, I once again go into the silly looking Superman pose with my fists pointing the way on straight arms.  I also think I bared my teeth to look cooler when I flew.  It was all knucklehead stuff, and when I realized what I was doing I looked at Mary to see if she noticed my embarrassment.  She did and gave me a fun smile that indicated she’s okay with my antics, that she loves me.  All of this is conveyed in one glance.  It’s really awesome she can do that, and I wish I could be around her all the time.  Like she would be a really good friend.  We could have coffee together and talk about our days’ and think about life and heaven and love and the cosmos.  It would be one of those things that I really wish for.  What I find I don’t want to do is spend time with the religious icons that always look somber and sad.  It’s either that or they’re angry that I’m not living a pious life.  I really don’t want to be around those guys.  I would like to be around Mary in the form that I now know is her real essence.  It would be really cool.  Who knows, maybe she skis?

3.

As we increase our speed the wind is rushing past me and making all sorts of roaring in my ears.  The rushing air feels nice as we continue to quickly descend through the lower atmosphere.  I can see what’s up ahead and it looks pretty cool.  My mind tells me the place looks like where the Elves lived in the Lord of The Rings movies series.  It’s located in a mountain setting with lots of flowing water undulating throughout the entire village.  The place is carved into the rock, and it resembles marble.  As we fly lower and flare out to slow our speed, I can make out plaza areas carved of marble.  The common plaza areas have a water feature in the middle.  Some are flowing fountains, and others are makeshift streams running through the landscape.  The entire location tells me this is a peaceful place and I’m glad we’re headed there.  I’ve always liked water.  Since I was a little kid, water has held a special place in my heart.  I’ve always liked rainfall be it heavy downpours or constant drizzles.  I’ve worked as a canoe guide taking people through a network of lakes and rivers in a pristine park in Canada, to being a professional hydrologist as my lifelong career.  I also had a very quick job as a river guide, which I liked, but it was very nerve wracking, as I was a new guy in a very big water year.  The peacefulness of water always made me feel better.  I can immediately tell if water is nearby as I feel calm and peaceful.  

We slowly come to the plaza area and our feet gracefully touch the cool smooth marble.  I notice Mary feels quite at home here and the few people in the square come to her and she embraces each one as she’s old friends with these people.  They don’t have the awe and reverence that we as Catholics have shown in the movies or in church.  This is nice.  This is a greeting that says these people love each other and Mary is one of them.  I’m thinking she must be recognized as the religious icon that she is, but the people are comfortable with her presence as she’s an old friend who has come to visit.  The fact that we flew here and the people don’t think that’s odd does not escape me.  Nor the fact that I also feel quite at home here.  It’s something that I can’t put to words.  Think of your favorite vacation place as a kid, and now you’ve returned.  It’s a good feeling and you remember all the good times that went on in this place.  I’m like that now.  The flight has invigorated me, and now I’m in a place that I remember and have good memories.  I try to remember what I did here, but nothing comes to mind.  But on the other hand I know I’ve been here before.  This all takes place while I watch the other people greet and hug Mary.  I’m very comfortable here and while this is going on I’m gazing up at the high cliff areas surrounding this place.  Large waterfalls flow out of the rock clefts above the plaza area.  The sound is not so much as a roar, but a light hissing as the water drops break into smaller drops and drift past the level we’re at.  There are some larger more powerful waterfalls in the distance, but they’re farther into the canyon.  If I focus on that part of the canyon, I can hear the giant roar of the flowing water.  While this place is more serene.  The sky is incredibly blue, and the sun’s rays pass through the falling water making lots of rainbows. It’s warm and my feet rest on the cool smooth light gray marble that is everywhere around here.  Along the edge of the plaza where the cliffs drop to dizzying heights to the river below a railing made of ornate marble protect those who may venture too close to the edge.  The ledge comes up to just above my waist to below my shoulders.  I walk over and lean on the worn marble surface.  I notice the marble ledge is about 2 ft. wide and well worn.  There are places with depressions from people leaning in this very same place looking down.  How long does it take to wear down marble a couple of inches?  And with that in mind I wonder how old this place could be.

While I’m contentedly looking down at the river far below, I notice someone comes up and assumes the same position looking down.  I glance over and notice Shannon is next to me.  Without thinking I let out a roar and extend my arms over my head and immediately hug him.  Subconsciously I must have thought of our common gesture of something good has happened.  This is the universal pose for hockey players who have scored a goal, and it was the same gesture we gave to each other when he left Primary Children’s Hospital many years back.  He was let out after about a month fighting for his life, and when I brought the car around so he wouldn’t have to walk too far I was waiting at the turnaround near the front door.  When he came through the doors, I put my arms up in the air in the hockey goal score manner, and he returned the gesture.  He was skinny and very sick still, but it was a great moment.  He made it out of the hospital alive and we had him back.  I like to think of that moment.  I was scared beyond belief for that month, and still incredibly worried that something may happen again, but for that one shining moment, he was here and it was good.  

And now, he was next to me and it was awesome again.

We hugged and jumped around for a long time.  I couldn’t believe it was him again, and we were together.  I was complete and euphoric at this moment and could not stop crying.  After about 3 minutes or so I noticed all the people around us surrounded us and we all came together in one big giant group hug of laughing and crying and happy sounds.  Mary was part of the happy group of people that I recognized.  They were all friends who I loved over eons and I could not believe I was with them.  There must have been over 30 people in the plaza surrounding us hugging and laughing and crying.  It was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had.  I knew these people over many lives and my mind reeled at the connections each person had made with me over the eons.  I really don’t think much of this, as I’m with Shannon and I can’t get enough of him.  

Eventually, the group disburses with additional hugs, well wishes and words of encouragement and indications that we’ll see each other again.  The people are talking to both Shannon and me.  At this time I realize we know all of these people together.  This means we’ve been with these people in other times and other lives.  I walk over to a guy who I know and ask him how long we’ve known each other.  He laughs, slaps me on the back and says longer than you think.  He begins to walk away and looks over his shoulder with a funny look and laughs again.  This is a little weird, but I don’t give it much thought as my attention is on my son.  He looks like he did on the Island when we were both together.  He’s tanned and strong looking.  Also his hair is longer and still the same curly great looks he had when we were together at our old house before he died.  Before he died.  The thought comes into my head and sounds odd.  Shannon died.  But he really didn’t die like I thought he did, as he’s right here in front of me.  I’m not dreaming or meditating or anything like that.  He’s here right now as I am.  

Granted lots of odd things are going on today as I’ve met Mary, the mother of God and flew around with her and landed here and now I’m with my son.  Okay, so lots of odd things have happened today.  Also I notice that time is not occurring.  Time is not like it is back in the submerged ship where it’s cold and dark and I’ve got a small amount of time left before I can’t breathe.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I was under the ocean in the dark and cold, and here I am now in this awesome place filled with love and my son.  I don’t have any sensation of time, but of the now.  Hard to explain I know.  In my life I am growing old and it had a beginning and now I’m somewhere past the middle and unless I run out of air in the ship when my conscious returns there I’ll be about 3/4 of the way done with that life.  Life begins and it has an end.  Time is running on our watches and our lives and while it’s been going for a really really long time if you look at geologic time, my life is a blip where the time that I’ve spent on earth as Brian is so small that I’m blown away at just how small the window of my life has been.  What I gain in this life seems so small so unimportant I don’t know how to fathom what I achieved.  Things that I’ve done in this blink of an eye short life are irrelevant.  Did it matter that I made the college hockey team? Or for that matter, that I received a Masters Degree in Hydrology?  As I stand there looking out at the large waterfall moving past the patio I am astounded at my insignificance.  I am nothing when compared to the time and the amount of people that were born and died since 2013.  Billions of people, and billions of years have come before me and will come after me when I’ve died.  So what’s the point of this life?

Maybe I can ask one of the guys standing around here?  

I look for Mary and she’s nowhere to be seen.  Has she left?  I don’t know but I’m pretty sure she won’t give me the answer to my question as it’s one of those that should remain secret or something.  But maybe one of the people on the patio engaging in conversation can answer my question, or at least provide insight to my question.  And this question is not isolated as all of the billions of people wondered this.  It seems that anyone who is conscious has this though on a regular basis.  If you are conscious then you wonder.

So I gaze across the patio (always keeping Shannon’s whereabouts in my view) and see a woman gazing across the expanse of sheer cliffs and waterfalls.  I walk to her and say hello.  She turns to me and smiles.  I ask her if she’s from around here or has lived here and she says she has.  She mentions she’s lived here off and on for some time and enjoys the flowing water.  I agree and tell her so.  I then stammer for a minute and notice I’m fidgeting smoothing my ponytail behind my neck and looking at the floor.  When I collect my thoughts I ask her if she has any idea why we live our lives in such a small time and insignificance.  She stares at me and then begins to smile.  You’re new here aren’t you, she says.  I reply that I was in a ship under the frozen sea only a bit ago to be replaced by a nice peninsula where I met a friend called Mary and then we flew here.  At that point I feel like a total idiot, and finish the sentence with the phrase “or some s**t”.  Now I’m a total goof and try to extricate myself from this incredibly awkward conversation.  I look for Shannon and hope he will see me and rescue me, but he’s engaged and looking as bright and energetic as always.  His smile is beaming and I totally feel unconditional love for this kid.  But then I look back at the woman and again feel like an idiot.  I quickly replay the conversation in my head especially the “or some s**t” comment and blush massively.  She continues to look at me with a bemused smile.  Knowing I’m a goof she makes a knocking on the door motion with my head and asks if there’s anyone home in there.  I say no, but the lights are on sometimes.  This makes her laugh even more and says my name over and over.  Kind of like a tired sound, Brian, Brian, Brian.  Like she’s been here before and what are we going to do with me.  This familiarity is resonating with me, as I can’t place where we’ve been together before.   Do you know me?  I ask.  Do I know you!  She says.  Yes, of course.  We’ve known each other for a very long time.  How long I say.  A long time.  Over centuries and other worlds.  Wait! What?  Say that again.  She laughs and says, “Pull my finger” and laughs again and knocks on my head once more.  Okay, can we start over I say.  Sure she says with the same knowing smile.  I’m not sure what’s going on at all and tell her so.  

Okay, I’ll cut you some slack Bernie.  She looks at me again and tells me not to take things to seriously in this life.  Things are not what they seem and things you may perceive as important are really not.  She looks over the group and points to Shannon.  He’s looking good, yes?  Yes. I agree.  See.  That’s what I’m getting at. He’s doing fine and you’re not.  Understand we have been together for eons and have had wondrous experiences together.  The lives we have lived have been hard and also great.  The time we spend on the planet earth is one of hardship and density.  Your bodies are very dense and difficult to move around, as is the entire existence.  It is meant for the most advanced souls and it’s done to improve your essence, to purify it so to speak.  Mary is your guide and you’re lucky to have her.  I nod.  The goofy interactions we had a minute ago are gone.  We are serious and she’s conveying important stuff to me.  I’m trying to take it all in, but things are confusing me.  Have I been on other worlds I ask?  The questions itself sounds really stupid to me.  But she doesn’t miss a beat and says yes we have lived many lives on many worlds or dimensions.  They were easier than this life on earth, especially one that you lost your son Shannon.  A kid like Shannon only comes around once in many centuries.  You had him for a brief period and he moved on.  That’s extremely hard and I understand that she says in a very pointed statement, but it’s temporary.  You’ll be with him again in this place or the place of your choosing.

Okay.  But really.  I’m. Tired.  Really tired of this life of this suffering of this longing.  I tell her I feel like I’m on a job that I’m tired of and want to quit and go on vacation.  I want to punch out and go home.  She tells me what I’ve heard before.  Can’t do that Bernie until you’re done.  Shannon is home and so will you, but you’ve got to finish the job.  Always being the smartass I say what would happen if I got laid off and had to go home anyway.  With the pointed look she tells me that if I did get laid off, I wouldn’t get paid for the time missed, and I would have to get another job.  Don’t like the sound of that I say.  Yes, and the job you’ll get is not as good as this one, maybe a bit more difficult and with harder labor.  You should stick to this job and be done on time.  In a bit you’ll be able to come home and enjoy you’re vacation.  Shannon did a good job on his time and now he’s here.  With that thought I look around and can’t see Shannon.  Then I hear his voice.  Hey Bernie.  And I know he’s right next to me.  The woman and Shannon both laugh and I feel great being in their company.  What do you say Bernie, lets go find a Quizno’s?  Okay, sounds like a good idea to me I hear my voice saying. And we do.

We walk down a smooth stone path that’s actually quite wide and safe that traverses around the steep cliffs.  The path hugs the walls and there is a nice stone railing wall about waist height that keeps you on the path and not going over.  We walk slowly with our bare feet on the smooth stone.  It’s cool and feels very nice to walk on.  The stone has water on it every so often due to the spray of the waterfalls blowing onto the path.  In one very memorable moment, the path crosses underneath a uniform flowing waterfall that pours over the path but does not have much spray.  The sound is very loud as the water continues to pour over and past the path.  We stop at this point and look at the sheet of flowing clear water.  It’s breathtaking and we both marvel at the sight.  I ask him if he comes down this path often and have you seen this before.  He says yes he has.  Many times.  I then ask him in a familiar way about our past lives.  He tells me we’ve been together many times and that we’re both old souls.  Our times have spanned eons and when we’ve been together it’s not always as we seem now.  We’ve been together as other people including roles as men and women, young and old, rich and poor.  Each iteration of our lives has strengthened our souls or essence to the point where we’re very refined and near the end of our incarnations.  This news makes me quite happy, as I’m tired as I mentioned earlier.  He agrees but points to the waterfall and the place where we came from.  I look up to where the patio is located, far above where we are now and it’s vacant.  Yet the billowing spray from the waterfalls and some of the sailcloth that provide shade are billowing and flowing around with the breeze and it looks very peaceful.  Remember all those people up there he says.  Yes I nod.  He says that those people have been with us for the same time and we’ve done at least 800 lives together in different formats and groups.  The soul group that you’ve just met with has been together for a long time with differing levels of difficulty.  Most times on earth have been very hard with lots of tragedy and pain but as you can see from their expressions, they’re doing okay.  Just like you will Bernie.  I gaze back up to the spray and billowing sails and wish that I were done with my life on earth.  Wish that I could stay here with the group and feel peaceful and happy.  When I think of Megan, Patty, Bailey, and Mia I feel good, but the world and our struggles remain grim and hard and have I told you, I’m tired.  I did didn’t I.  Sorry about that.  But I’m tired. Really.  I joke with him on this fact and he smiles and tells me to suck it up Bernie.  Okay Shannonny boy I will.  He then tells me that Megan and Patty will be on that same patio in due time.  Following the logic a bit further I ask him about our dogs, Bailey and Mia, and for that matter Daisy.  Will they be on the patio?  Of course he says they allow dogs here and they don’t need any leashes or any of that stuff.  This though makes me happy as I think our family can be together in one big group.  It’s almost too much to think of when I think of Shannon, Megan, Patty, myself, Daisy, Bailey, and Mia all dancing around or sitting quietly in the twilight enjoying each others company knowing that time is non-existent and we can stay together for as long as we like.  

I have another thought and wonder if it’s put there by this place.  The idea that I can stay here, or go to another place just as nice but different.  What if I wanted to go to the top of the best ski mountains in the world, a place with the perfect slope and powder skiing up to your waist?  The snow would be incredibly light and I would be standing at the top with my friends and family and we would all whoop and ski the run over and over and not get tired or become injured.  We could stay at this place until we wish to go to another.  Is that what heaven is like?  Would I become bored of skiing if this were the case?  I find that I’m gazing at the patio and passively listening to the spray of the waterfalls and the sound of the light canvas clothe slowly flapping in the gentle breeze.  I look back at Shannon who is looking at me with a nice smile.  He knows what I’m thinking.  He knows I’m trying to figure this out and is patiently waiting for my next thought.  He’s wise beyond his years and I know him as my son who is 14 years old and just learning about life.  In my mind, he’s just learning about life beyond middle school and Park City.  But I’m now seeing him as something else.  Something more, I don’t know.  I can’t come up with words for how I feel right now.  So I come right out and ask Shannon if he’s an angel or a wise soul or something beyond my comprehension.  He’s always been a great kid, and a glowing light of good.  Is this glowing light something that comes from within and he’s what I perceive as an angel?  I look at him and he smiles and goes into an air guitar solo with lots of jumping around and facial expressions of that of a rock star.  I find myself smiling and then laughing.  Then I find I’m mimicking playing the bass and making bass sounds while also gyrating.  It has nothing to do with my question, but everything to do with a father and son who played music so long ago. 

We were both beginners on the guitar and bass as Shannon was not allowed to raise his heart rate due to his heart attack when he was 11 years old.  So as a result Patty and I bought Shannon and for that matter Megan, guitars.  We would take them for lessons and wait outside while they learned how to play.  Megan being only 8 years old and somewhat little for the rigors on learning to play tired of the lessons and stopped soon after, but Shannon stayed with it for the next three years and become somewhat good. He found out that his friends needed a bass player and he borrowed my bass at the time, it was a Washburn if I remember right, and he would thump along with his friends.  They used to tell me that he would jump around and bob his head along to the beat.  They all enjoyed the moment together and it was one of his great memories.

We’re doing that now.  Bouncing around under the waterfall to music only we can hear, playing instruments that we can only see.  I notice some of the people we were with on the patio are now on a higher level deck and are egging us on holding their hands in the air to mimic lighters burning bright asking for an encore.  We both notice we are being observed and immediately feel self-conscious.  We look at each other laughing and milling around feeling silly.  The people make unhappy noises at us and laugh.  More, they chant. We want more.  Shannon looks at me and asks if I want more.  Yes. I. Do.

The Gig.

4.

At that point Shannon asks me how my playing has been.  Not bad I say.  Somewhat perfunctory, but my rhythm is good and my tone is not too bad at all.  I still have trouble with the tricky fast stuff, but all in all, it’s pretty good.  That’s good to hear Bernie, because we’ve got a gig.

We walk down the smooth stone path with steep drop offs on my right side and more vertical smooth cool stone on my left side.  Shannon is next to me and we’re walking fast together.  He’s telling me to get ready for an awesome time and not to worry, that I’ll be able to handle the fast tricky stuff.  I look confused but happy to be talking to him and say, wait! what?.  He laughs and pulls me along. 

The day has faded to a nice bluish twilight.  The air is cool and very comfortable with a darkening sky fueled by a gentle breeze.  As we walk along the path I can feel more than hear a thrumming. That and the rhythmic sounds of a crowd stomping their feet and chanting something that I can’t make out.  We continue to walk towards the sound and I’m getting excited.  We’re going to go to a concert or an athletic event.  How fun.  This should be like the times we went to professional soccer or hockey games together, or for that matter we once went to a ZZTop concert together.  It’s like that.  You can feel the thumping going on and feel the energy coming out of the venue.  My excitement is building with my head craning around each corner of the path.  What is it I say, a game or a concert?  Shannon looks at me and says it’s a concert.  Who? I ask.  You he says.  Wait! What?

We turn left into an opening and a long hallway carved out of the same smooth stone that we walked on.  The carving of the tunnel is very old and the walls and pathway are well worn.  I notice lights illuminating the end of the tunnel and the noise of the crowd is very loud in the tunnel.  Shannon’s gait is going from a walk to a bouncing dance that is in time with the crowd’s chanting and stomping.  Somewhere a loud kick drum is booming away and I can hear congas and percussion instruments.  I find myself really jacked up but scared not really knowing what he meant.  As with all things in this adventure since I was in the ship, I’m just going with it and it’s good.

We burst through the end of the tunnel to a giant stage looking out over an enormous rock formation that’s shaped like a massive bowl.  Something resembling a massive stadium that holds what I perceive as over 100,000 people.  The seats I notice are benches carved into the rock, forming a perfect stair stepped auditorium that’s totally natural. The rim of the stadium is somewhat low allowing the seating to look down at the stage but not too steep. The bowl is some sort of geologic feature, but it really can’t be as it’s almost a perfect semi-circle that can seat that many people.  What I can make out between the people is the same smooth light colored rock that dominates this area. The lightning is positioned at 4 intervals in front of us and illuminates the stage with the band already in place.  Upon closer scrutiny, I find that’s not true.  The drummers and percussionists are in place with several singers standing behind mikes.  They are black ladies with what I think is African clothing.  Shannon is bouncing like a ball now and really into the energy.  I then notice there’s one guitarist and the absence of a bass player.  With a band this size typically there is a rhythm and lead guitar with a bass player.  As this thought flows through my mind I am handed my 5 string Ibanez bass guitar and notice another guy is handing Shannon a white sparkly Fender guitar.  Shannon takes the guitar and expertly flips the strap over his head raising both hands above his head like the hockey guys when they score a goal. When he does this the crowd roars to ear splitting levels.  It does not go unnoticed that when he puts his hands over his head, it’s the same gesture that he made when he got out of the hospital so long ago. 

I take the bass and awkwardly flip the strap over my head tangling the material around my forehead.  The guy who handed it to me helps he out, moving the strap to its correct position and smiling at me the entire time.  He has long hair and looks older.  He leans toward my ear and says it’s tuned and ready to rock. He then slaps me on the shoulder and a look of encouragement.  I want him to stay with me for no other reason that I’m kind of freaked out now.  I’ve never played in front of so many people before and am terrified. I take my position next to the drummer, who extends his hand and tells me we’re going to ignite this place together.  He gives me a fist bump and follows it with a wolf howl.  I try to do the same but I’m late on all fronts making my fist bump and howl look in my opinion somewhat lame.  Shannon turns and looks at me, then gives me the nod saying it’s time for a little AC/DC.  A Long Way To The Top he says above the crowd.  Watch me on the breaks and let’s have fun here.  Ready Bernie?  Wait!  No!  Holy s**t.

The band kicks in and I find myself knowing everything I need and then some.  I’m keeping down the groove and staying with the drummer.  He gives me a smile and a nod indicating I’m doing well.  I find my bass never sounded so good.  I’m thumping along and adding fills that I never thought I could play.  It’s not that it’s magic, but I know inside my brain how to do these things and when to let it out.  It’s a fabulous feeling knowing I’m this good.  The entire band is this tight with the rhythm section jumping, the ladies gyrating and everyone locked together.  The glue is my man, my son, Shannon who is soloing while sliding across the stage.

He is shredding.  Every note that he’s playing is gold.  The crowd is moving in unison to his playing.  He’s gyrating to his playing and seems lost in the solo he’s playing.  It’s almost like the music is flowing through him and into the guitar.  He’s the focus of everyone here.  Not only is the guitar playing incredible, it’s his energy.  He’s pouring out energy to the crowd and their eating it up.  Everyone is pounding and singing and bouncing.  The sound is incredible.  With my own bass plugged into a dozen giant amplifiers behind me in addition to the sound system of the stadium I feel the sound rather than hear.  But my focus is on Shannon.  He is fabulous.

The concert lasts 4 hours and I cannot believe it’s over so fast. Near the end, I’m lost in my bass playing, lost in the music.  When I look up and Shannon is pulling me to the front of the stage.  When I get there the noise of the crowd, which I thought could not get any louder becomes a roar.  While holding up his sparkling white Fender with one arm, he grabs my arm holding my bass and indicates I should do the same.  I do and I hear a stomping thrumming repeating word.  I try to make it out and after the second or third try I hear it.  Ber-nie, Ber-nie, Ber-nie.  I look at Shannon and we both laugh.  Do you think Woodhill will take me now Shan?  Not a chance Bernie.

After the last encore we all move slowly through the tunnel.  We’re all drained except for Shannon.  He’s in front of me walking backward talking about how fun that was and how we should do it again.  I agree and wonder when we will do it again.  Was this a one-time thing, or can I stay here like I thought when we were together in the tropical bay after scuba diving.  At that time, I had to leave Shannon behind and move on.  I felt awful doing so. And it compelled me to try again, flying and driving up north of Nova Scotia, walking out over the frozen sea and diving below the ice to the ship, where I think I’m at now.  At least I think.  On this iteration I can relate to my past and my person.  The first time I transferred my conscious thought and watched my prone frozen form lying motionless on top of the highest mountain in Utah, I lost my past and perspective.  I didn’t know who I was or where I came from.  For whatever reason on this try, I understand my role in life and how I came to be here.  There was even times on this journey that I would wonder how my rental car is doing parked on the snowy roads near the docks.  The thought was fleeting, but it would creep in.  Why now am I aware of these things while existing in a totally different world is beyond my thoughts?  I did notice that before I left to go up north, my dreams were incredibly vivid and I could remember most of the important most recent parts.  Andy even starts slipping back into the dream that night after I went to bed.  But I do remember my past as I’m standing here.

Pretty fun night, huh dad!  Yes, I say.  Yes it is.  Will it last Shannon?  I ask him straight out.  Hoping beyond belief that he’ll say yes it will and we can do this together for ever or as long as we like.  But instead I get a look.  A hesitation.  Something that I don’t want in that first millisecond of waiting for his answer.  And I know, it won’t last.

4.

A very long time has passed since Shannon has died, and in some part of my brain, I realize that I am very old now.  After everything that I’ve gone through I realize my time is near and this incarnation is almost over.

There is a woman and others whom take care of me now.  I forget their names as I’ve forgotten so much over time, but that it is no matter.  The woman is asking me questions, but I cannot respond.  I now have all sorts of tubes inserted into my ancient body, and something stuck in my nose to help me breath, but it is to no avail. I’m at the end of my road, and somewhere in my soul, I am glad.  I’m glad to know that this journey is near it’s end, and I will leave this body soon. I don’t know what’s to come after that, but I do know I’m ready to leave this existence, even if my consciousness ends, and I am no more.  I don’t care.  I’m so tired.  With this in mind, I have noticed something lately.  While my mental state is generally diminished and very confused, I’ve can remember very vivid and clear dreams lately.  This I know.  The dreams are very positive and filled with faces and places that I remember.  Sometimes, I dream of Shannon in these places, and for a very short time when I awaken, I am content. 

The feeling of contentedness is fleeting however, as I always drift back into my grey void. Once I awoke during the night and watched very graceful snowflakes drift down in the moonlight.  It was beautiful, but the storm, which I thought was a brief flurry, was a storm that lasted several days.  I heard the lady say so, and I believe her. And again, I awoke to bright sunlight streaming into my room, only to be replaced with total darkness, and then bright sunlight again.  These things confuse my greatly.  But it is of no matter, as I don’t seem to care about these things.  I just exist.  

18.  

During the nighttime hours of another time that I know not, I become aware of another beautiful snowstorm.  As I gaze out the window and watch the swirling snow dance around the window, I noticed another person in the room.  My senses seem abnormally sharp, and his shape is very defined. I can easily make out his features and a hint of a thought pervades my brain.  The person is calling me and moving toward me. I squint, but as my eyes aren’t very good, I can’t see so well.  Or so I thought.  What I haven’t realized is that my vision is getting better by the second, and within a short time is now incredible.  I can see things with great clarity, and I notice so much more.  It’s like a giant fog has lifted and lucidity is breaking through. The feeling is that of one ascending from the depths of a great ocean, to abruptly surface and inhale an enormous cleansing breath.  As a result of this increased awareness, also comes an incredible feeling of peace and warmth. I silently gaze at the person.  He is now moving into the moonlight, and it’s him.  It’s Shannon.  I see him illuminated by the swirling lights of the snowstorm outside the window, and he takes my hand.  I hear him say that it’s time to hit the road Bernie, as we’ve got things to do.  I cannot believe my eyes, as he looks very healthy, strong and vibrant.  He is just as I remember him, but older and stronger.  He looks to be about 20 years old and he has that same wonderful smile.

I find that I can sit up easy and stand.  We embrace the best hug in the world, and I tell him how much I’ve missed him and love him dearly.  He smiles, and tells me that this time is over, and we need to go.  With that, I shed my sick weak body like an old wet sweater and leave it behind.  There is no sadness or regret when leaving this place, as I look back one last time at my lifeless form. I ask Shannon what will become of Patty and Megan, as they are my life. He indicates that we’ll come back for them when their time is finished and be together again.  At this, I look back to my form in the sickbed, but do not relate to the person lying there.  It’s kind of odd really. I’ve looked at this shape every day, but now, it’s just a form, a shell, and nothing more.  I turn to Shannon and take one last look around the room and the beautiful snowstorm out the window and smile.  Shannon is waiting patiently, and again takes my hand. The room sort of grays out, and we begin a breathtaking journey. Realizing that Shannon is my guide, a feeling of peace and happiness overtake my soul.  I’m so glad he is with me on this final voyage, but I find that words cannot express my happiness.  We are going to a place where I’ve dreamt of and spent time, but could not remember after waking.  I remember now, and realize that this place is wonderful and eternal.  We are floating up, and moving through a long tunnel toward a speck of light.  The light is getting brighter and stronger, and we are together moving along at a tremendous speed.  It’s good to be with you again Bub I say and he laughs and says it’s good to be with you again Bernie.

It is time to go home.

Author's Note

Any comments would be welcome. Thanks for the time.