Invisible Man

I met this man.

His skin was gentle but he smelled like cigarettes

Although he did not smoke,

I felt the burns that the world put out on his skin.

A name but no identity.

Who was this man?

He had given me the world,

So why couldn’t the world give him a placement?

I did not understand

I stand around and watch people torment the one soul that keeps mine alive.

Im breathing

But he is drowning.

I guess it was true

When you love someone you feel their pain.

We categorize people in odd ways.

Im angry.

We say love has no boundaries,

I love him but the government boundaries tell us something different.

He commits suicide everyday instead of beating the odds.

All-humans have a number of which people identify them

Besides one kind.

The kind that doesn't belong here.

They told him he did not deserve that 10-digit code simply because of where he was born.

Mexico is a beautiful place, and so are the families who cross for the safety of their own lives.

But if he could not have access to the secret code then neither can he,

Or him, or her.

Because I say so.

The Ginormous white haired man

Really has the insecurities of a mouse

When I get ahold of the key entity of my love’s manifestation,

I will hand it over

For he will hold it for the rest of eternity

Reviews

[emipoemi]

WOW, this is powerful and profound! It has strong imagery that paints a mystic picture of this mysterious man and the world. It's as though he's real. For he is real....in your heart, so it seems, and it's just so beautifully crafted in its metaphors and narrative. I'm honesty not that fond of Free Verse, but for this I can make an exception. WOW!

However, I do have a couple of notes, if you would allow me:

Free Verse, contrary to popular belief, does have "boundaries" and "restrictions". Poetry is all about making the words dance across the page, so you have to be careful with superfluous word and lines as well as unnecessary repetitions. With the former, an example is "I did not understand" (this stanza can easily be more powerful without that line - read it and you'll see/hear what I mean). With the latter, an example is the repetition of "this man" in the first couple of stanzas. Because they're in such close proximity, the repetition appears dull and drab, and you just don't need it. I get the sense that you're trying to repeat for emphasis, but there is such thing as overdoing a repetition (in which case it undermines the power it has). At least one of the repetitions should be replaced with a pronoun (the one in the solitary stanza can stay).

"antity" isn't a word....."entity" is.

That's about it. This is overall wonderful. Well done!

[Empress Ophelia]

Thank you for your criticism! I will edit and post again.

[emipoemi]

the pleasure was all mine :)

[Amanda Hakes]

This is a very interesting and personal take on immigration. I like the way you personify this invisible man through the compassion of the person how loves him. The poem also has a nice rhythm.

[The Surreal Art Psychon..]

I think you can be more concise. In the third line of the first stanza, 'this man' could be changed to 'he'. In the seventh stanza 'All humans have a number of which people identify them' could be changed to 'We all have an identity number' There are other examples too.

[Empress Ophelia]

Thank you for your criticism! I will continue to edit my work.

[G.W. Saitreux]

I enjoy reading this poem, you illustrate very well with your words and bring us into your imagination. I enjoy the vague nature of this poem's focus yet the delivery doesn't rely specifically on sparse wording or vague phrases. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Empress Ophelia]

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my work. I look forward to investing my time into your writing as well. Please correct tough, the more editing the better it will be. I would like to become a more simple writer.

[siobhan]

This is great, and as you said on my one, this does paint a picture. A really deep picture of how ones life can change, in my opinion. I really hope you're okay!

[Empress Ophelia]

Hello Siobhan! Thank you for your comments and I would love to chat with you outside of our writing. You seem like my kind of writer.

[siobhan]

Of course, any time you need a chat don't worry about messaging :-)

[Davidgeo]

You're not *that* sneaky.

It's a cold life to be *truly* sneaky.

One time I taught a course at batman fantasy camp.

Will Smith was there... he demanded that I "get jiggy wit' it". Eventually, I never did. fu Will Smith.

[Empress Ophelia]

Thank you! I tried to be sneaky but I guess it doesn't work so well when you're writing becomes the one thing that saves your life.

[Davidgeo]

That was a weird response. Do you do a lot of drugs?

[Davidgeo]

I do a lot of drugs.