Life changes quickly I guess

Just a recall of the last few months of my life

Lifes changing
Bailey Matrix-08:47-Sunday June 18th

I’m currently typing this up in the backseat of one of my associate's cars. I'm back here because I don't have a place of residency. I haven't for quite some time maybe 8-9 months now. I've been trying my hardest ever since I closed the door to the only apt I've ever had, combined with a quote from one of my favorite shows Peaky Blinders, “In the bleak mid-winter.”. It was sometime in November when my vagabond era started so that quote fits nicely I believe, I was with my finance at the time, we got a place right when she graduated and I moved out of my mother's at 17, and in with her. My life has always been miserable but I've avoided being honest about how bad it is mainly because people would think I'm asking for help or something but also to keep the truth away from me. When we got the apartment and we got jobs, started paying bills, doing chores and of course handling mental health best as we can, I'll probably write more on that but not in this. I saw a gleam of hope here and it was great, till our rent was raised a bit too much and my finance got pregnant. How she broke the news to me ruined it, and started the snowball to the end of our relationship. About 2 weeks later we moved out of the apartment I was thinking we could just get something smaller and cheaper but she didn't want to, she just wanted to move back in with her parents even though her family hates me and I wasn't allowed to go with her. My family and I cut ties a while ago, partially because I had to choose my birth family or my new family with her, I chose her every time but she never chose me. And trust me one day there will be an entire book about this relationship but for now, just required context. So when she moved into her mother's I hit the road, walking, not talking. As she was setting up her room, building a relationship that she already had, even more, I was being ignored by her, I was working as she was just letting things get worse blaming it on me, eventually, I started sleeping in her car but her mother didn't approve of that so it had to be ended quite quickly. This entire thing lasted for about 2 months.
My grandfather is the sole member of my family that I talk to in any capacity asked how I was doing, and I was honest with so he offered me a place. Now I hate asking for things so I literally never ask for stuff not even food if I'm starving, which is what is happening as I'm typing this. But I accepted against my better judgment. I lived with him off and on for about 2-4 months. There were plenty of fights and arguments throughout it, he is such an angry and aggressive man id try to calm him down and that makes it worse. One time he physically attacked me and I had to put him on the ground 3 times. I made sure to get a recording of it for evidence. The cops wanted me to press charges but I said no, I regret that so so much. Eventually, he keeps up his actions one day he decided to start calling me insane and it's all in my head, which my mother used to do in my childhood so now I see where she got it from, the loop truly does get passed down and I need to break it for m son. Skipping quite some time, weeks or months I'm not fully aware. But we cut ties for good this time, and I got a hotel room for one night, and none of my friends that said they would come ever came. So I spent 168 American dollars to sleep for one night, alone. Like every night. Then I got a hotel room for a week. Room 201 was the number and this changed everything for a short amount of time. It changed how I felt, how I viewed the world, myself even. But I knew it would come to an end one day and I should've been prepared for it but I just wasn't I don't know why. My check-out time came and I didn't have enough to get it again, 392 dollars, So my associate, Let's call him N came. So N isn't really a friend. He's an actual narcissist and it's very apparent with every action he does he doesn't care about anything but himself. Being around him hurts me, it makes me feel bad, and it keeps me from working and being myself. He is a bad influence on me and my mental health but I'm so lonely and out of options here in his backseat. Im working 3 nights a week with Waffle House. It used to be 6. I'm not making any money at the flea market but spending 42 every week. Like as I'm writing these words N next to me woke up and immediately I felt a change of emotion in my chest, a tense up of stress and awareness. I begin to get in my head and start the self-loathing thought loop of how I'm so pointless in life. I need a place by Monday, I have court on July 7Th without an address is going to jail. I absolutely can't let that happen. I'm trying so hard, I'm going to trade school, and I'm working as best as I can but none of it's good enough because I'm not good enough. Yet I need to find a way to be but I cant do this alone, I am alone though so I have to.