My Big Fat Fabulous Fight

Written from the perspective of 2 different characters to add depth

My Big Fat Fabulous Fight

Jeremy

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Suit, tie, dress pants. I cringe as I carefully pick up the cross pin. I don’t understand why my mother is so insistent I wear this. Shoving into my tie I ensure it’s right side up. Even a 1 degree tilt would probably send my mother off into another one of her “Satan is everywhere” rants. Living in a house of extremist “God Warriors” is the nearest to hell I’ll ever be. Ironic.

Like a “Good Christian” I place my Bible on my pillow and leave the room. This house is a prison. I’m 21 f*****g years old and I’m forced to stay here because I could be influenced by “sin”. All this paranoia erupted after super edgy 13 year old me though the “Emo” look was cool and rebellious. I took red pen and drew lines on my arm to imitate self-harm. Well, if Satan was taking hold of ANYONE in this home is sure as hell was my mother.

I’m trying to sneak out. I really am not in the mood to say 15 minute morning prayers with my mother and father because to them, today (just like every other f*****g day) is God’s day and I should thank him for allowing me to walk this earth. If I’m doing anything, I’m asking him why the hell he thought it was O.K. to put me in a house of nut-jobs. Clutching my briefcase I slide out of the front door. Thankfully nobody saw me because, when I look down my pantyhose are sticking out of the closed seam of the briefcase. That was too damn close. I need to buy a storage unit for my personal stuff as soon as I can. If my parents ever found out I was a cross dresser I’d get “F****t Satan Spawn” tattooed on my forehead and a boot so far up my a*s it would carry me from St. Mary’s all the way to New York City.  

Escaping into my blacked out Audi, I sink into the luxury seat and remove the cross pin from my suit jacket. I jab the key into the ignition and nothing happens. I give it a quick turn while twisting the wheels and the driving wheel locks up and a horrible beeping noise sirens through the entire car. What the f**k? This is a brand new car. Pissed as hell, I pull out my phone and give my mechanic a call to see if he could help me.

“What do you mean it’s a recalled faulty connection? How come Audi didn’t message me? Mario what can you do for me man, anything?”

Mario’s thick accent blares through the phone speakers “I can’t do anything except tow it for now, sorry bud. On the bright side, it ain’t gonna cost you nothing because it’s Audis fault.”

F**k. Guess I’m stuck taking the bus. Looks like I’ll be late today.

Robert

        Shifting in discomfort I adjust my overly padded bra to a more comfortable position. While doing so, I manage to lose one of my gel implants and it dances across the filthy bus floor. Though, nothing is dirtier than the looks I’m getting right now. I lean down to pick it up and I feel air drift across my a*s and I know I’ve exposed my thong. Amazing. Nonchalantly as possible I shove the implant back into the bra and look around like nothing happened. Digging through my purse I struggle to find my compact mirror. I know my wig is sideways, I can feel it. Placing my purse on the seat beside me I furiously dig until I hear a familiar voice.

“Robert?”

I glance up and see standing before me a gorgeous man, looking at me with the most amazing smile. I blink and realize it’s Jeremy. Oh god my wig is crooked Jeremy don’t look at me please, I’m not perfect right now.

I nervously tug on my v-neck t-shirt and expose my collarbones. “Hey! You! Want to take a seat? Nobody wants to sit with me. It’s like I smell like Lindsay Lohan or something.” I force a laugh, searching for his approval.  

Jeremy laughs and sits down. He smells so good. I want to pet his hair. I snap out of my trance and try to not look in his direction. Eyes glued on the window I’m trying really hard to not start shaking or break a sweat. From the corner of my eye I catch him opening a crisp bottle of water. I gape as I watch the cool liquid pour out of the bottle and dribble down his chin a little. He’s so f*****g perfect. Sweet mercy. I turn in his direction and open my huge mouth.

“Want to go to lunch today? It’s on me. I heard this amazing bistro recently opened and I’ve been dying to go.”

Jeremy smiles “Sure Rob, shoot me a text with the details. I think my stop is coming up. I don’t really know though.”

The bus halts to a stop and Jeremy pulls the wire, indicating his stop is next. He stands up and waves goodbye. I didn’t wave in return though; I was too busy staring as his perfect hamburger bun a*s

       

Jeremy

I crawl off of the smelly, broken down bus and give my suit a quick wipe with my hands. I can almost feel the invisible bugs crawling up my suit into my hair. Hastily, I make my way to work; looking frantically back and forth making sure nobody from the office saw me. My phone buzzes and I pull it up to my face. Robert messaged me to make sure lunch plans are on and at this point in the day, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to. Robert and I are good friends but society seems to separate us because of our different financial situations. I met him at Sausages one night and ever since then I’ve known that I’ll never be alone in my struggle to remain normal.

Pulling open the crisp, clean glass doors I greet the receptionist at the door and make way for the elevator. When the carriage arrives I casually stride in and press the button for the 20th floor. As the doors begin to close I see Thomas Kitt running for the door. He’s clutching his briefcase as he frantically yells out for me to hold the door. F**k Thomas though, I press the “close doors” button as fast as I can, pretending to be pressing the “open doors” button. Thomas makes it just as the door closes and I look at him with the most realistic look of sympathy I could give.

Thomas is my superior manager and he is also a superior a*****e. Homophobic, right- wing patriot. His family and mine are friendly because he is in our church group and so because of that he thinks we are buddies. Little does he know that I despise every bone in his body. It’s not really his fault though; his family raised him that way.

The elevator stops with a loud ding and I step off into the corridor, making way to my office. Passing several offices on my way, I stop at Daniel’s. Daniel is my co-worker and basically my best friend. He was a bartender at Sausages, Robert and I met him together one night and since then the 3 of us have been pretty good friends.

I stop and peer through the window. Knocking lightly I push the door open and greet Daniel with a simple “hey”. I sit down and we both chat a bit and I talk to him about how my car broke down, indirectly asking if he could give me a lift to the mechanics after work. He agrees and then he stands up and comes closer to me. With the look of seriousness on his face he asks me if I’m going out with Robert for lunch today. I shrug and reply and his face goes ghost white.

“I think he likes you man, a little more than you think.” He insists “He just texted me that he is going to ask you something important and I really don’t think you want to stick around to find out what.” he stands up and clears his voice “I’m all for gay relationships and all but I don’t know if you’re attracted to him or not. I just don’t want you to feel awkward and for him to have his feelings hurt.”

I scoff “You’re paranoid Daniel, you don’t really get gay people. Just because they hang out with someone the same gender as them doesn’t mean they want to bone them. Most of the time.”

Slightly offended by his half ignorant, half caring statement I announce I have lots to do today and promptly leave his office. As I walk out my phone buzzes and it’s a message from Robert exclaiming how excited he is for our outing today. I smile as I unlock the door to my office and I close and lock the door behind me. I’m not really in the mood to hear Daniel’s half-hearted bullshit apology right now.

Robert

Nearly running out of the tattoo shop right as my break starts I make way for the Bistro I’m due to meet Jeremy at. Applying touch-ups to my foundation and lipstick I peer into my reflection in a passing storefront window. Today is the day, today is when I finally ask Jeremy out. I’ve admired him as a friend for so long I can barely contain my love for him. He is the perfect one for me and I’m convinced he knows it too.

                    When I arrive I’m the first one there so I pick the optimal patio seat. Nervously waiting I take a seat in the cool metal chair and cross my leg. Lighting a cigarette I notice there’s a family walking by and they’re pretty clearly the closest thing to Amish people possible. Making disgusted faces they quickly walk passed me as the father blurts out “F****t” and mentions to his wife that “this country needs to crack down on abominations like that.” I have no clue why the f**k I decided to live so close to the city that harbours the Gay hating, Jesus preaching Westboro Baptist Church. It was an idiotic decision but the rent is cheap.

Jeremy

I arrive at the bistro to find Rob waiting there for me. I sit down and he and I chat a bit. Weird small talk things. I can kind of feel awkwardness emanating off of Robert and I really start thinking back to Daniel’s warning. He picks up his glass of Coke and suggestively sucks on the straw. S**t. I do my best to distract myself but I can feel his eyes bore into me.

Robert

After taking a sip of Coke I look at Jeremy. Heart racing. My throat dries up and I start to sweat a bit. My stomach is burning and I clink my nails against the tabletop. I croak.       

        “Jeremy, you and I have been friends for a long time but. I… I think I want more. I feel really connected to you.”

        “Robert, I… I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t roll that way. You’re a great guy but, I mean I’m sorry but I can’t.”

My heart sinks into my stomach and my entire vision goes black.

Jeremy

I storm away from Robert. Half-finished latte still steaming as I power walk away. How could Robert be such an idiot? A huge, glittery, tacky, idiot. A thousand and one thoughts fly through my mind but the only one that seems to bother me is that Daniel was right. I feel really bad now because he was just trying to warn me and I acted like a massive drama queen. Approaching my office building I hear the horrifying sound of chains and heels clacking behind me. My walking speed increases as I try to break out of his view. Ducking into a crowd, I rummage through my pockets to find the access card into my building. When my fingers graze against the smooth plastic card I quickly rip it out and clutch it in my hand with all the strength I can muster up. Almost running to the door I approach and beep my card into the building as fast as possible, pulling the door closed on my way in. A familiar voice rings through the empty entrance corridor

“Is everything okay Jeremy?” Janice the receptionist says in a concerned tone

“Everything is OK Janice. Just, can you do me a favour?” I lean in closer “If a man buzzes in looking for me, tell him he isn’t allowed inside and that I’m very busy.”

Janice looks at me quizzically “Are you sure everything is okay?”

“I’m sure. He’s just a crazy old friend and I need a break from him right now. Too many distractions from work. You know, between you and me, there’s big client I’m trying to reel in and distractions are the last thing I need right now.”

Feeling proud, sitting on my throne of lies, I stride away into the elevator and decide to just eat someone else's lunch from the office fridge instead of starving. The elevator pings and I make my way to the office lunchroom at the end of the hallway. On my way I pass by Daniel’s office and I hear him beckon me. Walking into his open office I mumble a greeting.

“Hey Dan, what’s up?”

“Back from lunch awfully early Jer.” He smirks with that s**t eating smirk he always has

        “Yeah, Dan I’m so sorry. I didn’t think he thought about me that way, I was being such a total dick to you.”

        “No skin off my back bud.” he slaps my back as he walks to the door and closes it

        “Jeremy, Robert is f*****g livid. He thinks you’re avoiding him because you’re ‘a homophobic dickweed’ “

        My mouth gapes open “Whatever he doesn’t matter right now. If he wants to act like a total 13 year old b***h that’s fine. That’s not my issue. I feel betrayed by him, his opinion means s**t all.”

        Daniel sits down at his desk and faces me “He told me you guys had plans tonight but I guess those are cancelled. Want to go out and get drinks? Have a bit of man on man bonding, you know, without taking our pants off.” he laughs as he turns around in his swivel office chair “I’ll come by your office at 5:30 and I can give you a lift.”

        I walk out of Daniel’s office and absentmindedly find myself in the office lunchroom, sifting through the fridge in search of a forgotten or unguarded lunch. I come across a sandwich with Stacy’s name printed on a name tag, I like Stacy so I won’t do that to her. She needs to eat anyways, she’s so thin. Lucky b***h.

        My hands come across a soft breaded, cool, fresh sandwich which looks like the gods crafted it just for me. Expecting disappointment I pick it up and read the small label with a handwritten name neatly written across it. “Thomas Kitt.” Hell f*****g yes, f**k you Thomas, I’m eating your lunch to give you a damn good reason to hate on homosexuals.

        Greedily stuffing the sandwich in my mouth I leave the lunchroom without a trace of evidence. I walk back into my office and start doing the work for my new client. Hastily working I stop to browse the internet and I hear a rage filled roar erupt from the lunchroom. S**t s**t s**t s**t. I quickly open my phone and message Daniel to cover me if I covered him. Quickly locking it and shoving it out of view, Thomas strides by my office like a male lion on the prowl and knocks on my door aggressively. I get up calmly and open the door to find his red face peering into my soul.

        “Do you know what the f**k happened to my food? I had it there this morning and now it’s gone.”

        I reply confidently “Sorry bud, I don’t. I was out to lunch at the bistro down the street. Picked something up for myself and Daniel.”

        “Hey, no problem. If you find out who it is, kick them in the crotch so hard they can’t breathe. Unless it’s a woman, I don’t want a sexual harassment lawsuit on my hands.” He breaks his anger and smiles at me. Disgusting scum he is, if only he knew.

        He closes my door as I go to sit down and gives me a small smile through the window as he charges further down the hallway.

Robert

Crying, I stumble through the crowd to find that Jeremy disappeared. I feel sick to my stomach. I knew it was too soon. Typing word after word into my phone it quickly turns into several paragraphs as I press “Send” to Daniel. It takes Daniel what feels like forever to reply and I catch myself holding back my tears as I continue to read what he has sent me. Unable to comprehend what just happened I break down. People flowing around me I stand motionless on the sidewalk. Sadness is quickly drowned in anger as I begin to blend back into the crowd. Plotting revenge won’t be easy, but it’s what I have to do.

        Jeremy acted like a total dick to me and I have to make him pay for what he has made me feel. He’s even got the nerve to make Daniel pick sides between the both of us and Daniel has chosen Jeremy. It’s unbelievable the amount of anger I possess at this moment. I could quite literally kill someone if they got into my way at this point. I’m a pissed off b***h in the jungle looking for prey and Jeremy has the target on his back.

Walking back to the Tattoo shop I’m stuck working at, I look around me for inspiration. I need to find something simple that would also destroy Jeremy so completely that he wouldn’t even be the same person he was. I’m desperate at this time because I want this now. I can’t wait and scheme all year long; I need the revenge right now. I need to see him fall, just like I did when he broke my heart into a billion different pieces.

Halfway through my shift my phone buzzes and I get a Facebook notification. I forgot to unfollow Jeremy and so every post he makes I get notified. The sadness returns to my stomach when I see his profile picture. Scrolling through my notifications I find his, and tap on it with some regret. Eyes greedy for what he has posted I patiently wait as the page loads. When it does, it’s the most bittersweet feeling.

“Going out for drinks tonight- Tagged: Daniel Kwart”

That back-stabbing son of a b***h. I was supposed to go out with him tonight! What a snaky little s**t. Through the anger that clouds my mind I see a beam of sunlight. My revenge has come to me. I’m going there tonight, I’m going to find them.

Jeremy

        Daniel swings by my office at the end of the day and we both pack up our stuff. Climbing into his car I throw my briefcase into the back and buckle myself in. Anxious I shift in my seat as we near closer and closer to the last place on earth I want to be. Sausages. Daniel puts his turning signal on and pulls into the parking lot.

        “Daniel I don’t really feel like going here, specifically tonight.”

        Daniel turns to me and laughs “F**k off Jeremy, try to have a good time. I have it in with the owner; he owes me a lifetime of free drinks after what he put me through working there. We will have a great time, trust me.”

        I feel kind of gross walking in as my regular self so Daniel sneaks me in the back so that I can get changed in the restrooms. Watching myself transform in the mirror is my favourite part of going out. I go from being drab and lonely Jeremy to sassy and fabulous Fiona. Feeling confident, I update my Facebook status and add my current location. Maybe a small party might start and I can begin to enjoy myself again.

Robert

        Constantly refreshing my news feed, I sit patiently as I wait for Jeremy to update on his location. Then I see it.

        “Trying to get a party started, come join me at the bar friends! - Sausages Nightclub and Disco”

Bam. Target locked. Throwing my phone across the room I rush to gather my things as I get ready for a night of revenge filled fun. Teasing my wig up, I stop to admire myself in the mirror. Giving myself the odd touch-up of makeup to make myself pop. Gathering all that I need, I head out the door excitedly. I can’t wait to see the look on his stupid face when I ruin him.

Walking into Sausages, I find it a bit busier than most nights and realize that Jeremy’s status has only dug himself in a deeper hole. Many friends of ours are scattered across the room and I feel like I’m sort of intruding but also feel like they’re the perfect added touch to my plan.

Sneaking through the crowd I search for an employee, I need someone to get the karaoke machine going if I want my plan to work seamlessly. Looking around, I spot someone and I quickly approach them. Screaming to be at level with the booming music I ask if it’s possible to try to get a karaoke night going. The employee nods and excitedly runs into the back and returns with the machine, struggling to carry the large contraption he carefully walks up to the small stage/platform and places it down. It takes him a few minutes to hook everything up and by then, people are starting to get curious and swarming the stage. Perfect. The employee rushes over to me almost out of breath and brings me over.

“Ok what song would you like to start the party off with? We have most any song you could think of. Unless it was released very recently” He kneels down and gets level with the machine and begins pressing buttons. Soon, a search bar appears with a touch screen keyboard below. “You can choose any song on there; I hope I helped you enough.” Reaching into my clutch I pull out a $10 bill and hand it to the young man “I don’t work for tips sir.”

“You’re a hard worker kid, keep it.” I smile. Perfect, buttering up the staff in case anything goes south is always a good idea.

Kneeling down in heels isn’t easy but I manage to get at level with the karaoke machine screen and begin searching for the song that will be the beginning of the end. In the background a microphone is being set up

“Check 1, 2, Check, Check. Okay! Ladymen and Gentlemen can I have your attention please?” Every head in the club turns around to face the stage area “Tonight we are going to have a little fun and start a karaoke night! All are welcome to join in and my friend” his voice lowers to a whisper “what’s your name?”

I whisper back “Rob”

“Our friend Rob here will start the party off and after that you can use the sign-up sheet over there if you’d like a moment of fame yourselves”

The crowd claps as I get up and approach the mic. The karaoke machine begins counting down… 3, 2, 1…

“I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf…”

The crowd begins cheer and clap. This song, this song is every gay man’s break up song and I’m directing my blow right to Jeremy.

Jeremy

        A crowd begins to gather around the stage area so I grab Daniel and we make our way over there. Drink in hand I push through the crowd to get to the front. Looking up I see Robert standing at the mic, staring at the karaoke machine waiting for the music to start. F**k, I hope he didn’t see me. Then, the music starts. He saw me. There’s no way he’d sing that song if he didn’t know I was here.

        Daniel pushes through the crowd and stands beside me “Oh my god! You’re so gay!” he yells in my ear to beat the music booming through the room.

        “What the f**k? You know I’m not Daniel what the hell is wrong with you?!”

        “No you idiot, the song. It’s Katy Perry’s song ‘Ur So Gay’”

        I slap him “You don’t think I don’t already know that?”

        “I signed up to go next!” He looks at me excitedly.

        “Yeah well don’t pick a duet. I don’t want to make a scene.”

        “Don’t worry, I won’t” He smirks as he disappears into the crowd.

Robert is up there and he is singing every lyric with hate lying underneath. I know this song is for me but at this point I don’t really care. If anyone is making an a*s of themselves it’s him. He’s making a scene for me and I don’t even react. I won’t. That’s what he wants and I refuse to give him the feeling of winning this little “feud” we have.

When Robert strides off the stage he gives me a dirty look and walks a little taller. What a dick. The crowd is clapping and cheering as I see Robert descend down into the crowd below him. Then I see Daniel approach the karaoke machine as he carefully scrolls through the selections. Then I see his eyebrows raise and he picks one. Standing up he approaches the microphone and taps on it lightly

“Hey all! My name is Daniel and I’ll be singing this song for a special someone.”

The crowd “woo’s” as I wait curiously to see what Daniel selected. The music starts and before I can run away he kneels down and grabs my hand to pull me up with him. Awkwardly staring into the crowd just a little below me Daniel speaks into the mic over the guitar introduction

“This is a surprise duet from me and my friend Jeremy! Give it up for Jeremy for being a good sport!” The crowd cheers

Queueing me to begin I mumble through the mic shared between us I mumble

“You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been messin’” and the crowd begins to clap along as my confidence grows. I look at Daniel and we both laugh

“These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do” I feel confidence grow in my chest as I begin to sing loudly “One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over youu!”

        Searching the crowd to find Roberts embarrassed face I see a phone held up instead. Recording me and Daniel. A smile from cheek to cheek grows on his face as he looks directly at me. My heart stops. Where will this video end up? My family can’t see me like this, I’ll be dead for sure.

Robert

        Jeremy saw me, my cover is blown. Which is fine. At least he knows of his fate. Trying to blend in with the gathered crowd I slowly make way for the bathroom as Jeremy stands on the stage, helpless to saving himself. Rushing now I find the door to the bathroom and burst in. Locking myself in a stall I frantically open Facebook on my phone and post the video I took. Shaking, I begin to comment on the video, tagging every single one of Jeremy’s family members into the video comments so that they can see the atrocity their precious little baby has become.

While I’m standing there in the stall, too afraid to exit I hear a familiar voice wailing into another's chest. It’s Jeremy. Then, his phone rings. Staying completely silent I listen into the conversation.

        “S**t” Jeremy says in a shaky voice “It’s my mom, I don’t know what to doooo!” I can hear him quivering as he answers

        “Hey, mom. What’s up?” I can almost feel the sadness and fear he is holding back. Screaming high pitched noises come out of his phone speakers and echo across the bathroom walls. I hear a sigh, a beep and then a scream.

        “I’m f*****g kicked out Daniel! I have nowhere to go they said if I ever show up on their doorstep they’ll call the police” He begins to cry again and I can hear Daniel consoling him, whispering comforting words to calm him down.

Holding back tears of disappointment and sympathy myself I slowly turn the lock on the stall door, push the door open and reveal myself. Bawling I look into the mirror across from me then back at Jeremy and realize.

    Maybe I am a bad person after all...

Jeremy

        I can feel my life in ruins as I storm off of the stage with Daniel trailing close behind me. Trying to hold back tears until I reach the bathroom doors my lip quivers as I get closer and closer. Barely making it I slam the door open and just let my eyes flood with tears. Gasping for air Daniel comes in behind me and I rub my head into his chest, crying harder and harder. Then, my phone rings. My heart stops completely.

“S**t... It’s my mom; I don’t know what to doooo!” Trying to hold back my tears I quiver as I answer as calmly as possible

        “Hey, mom. What’s up?” Bad move, she’s livid. Screaming about “satin” and “f*****s” and ends with “Don’t ever come back!”

        I turn to Daniel beside me “I’m f*****g kicked out Daniel! I have nowhere to go they said if I ever show up on their doorstep they’ll call the police!” I cry again, unable to comprehend how my life could end up like this.

        A squeaking noise creeps across the room as I turn to find Robert standing in a now open stall before me. His face is covered in streaming mascara and eyeliner as he runs over and hugs me.

“I’m so sorry Jeremy! I didn’t mean to do this to you! I mean, I was just so upset.”

It’s at that moment I realize, what I did made him act like that. I made him the monster he became.

Maybe I am a bad person after all..

Author's Note

This was my final assignment in Writers Craft (Grade 12 Canada, high school final year)