Memoirs of a Nutter: Chapter Six

Chapter 6

“So, how’s the new boyfriend?” suddenly asks Sammy.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” says Jack “What?!”

“Oh, come on! You and I both know that you only do those if something’s new,” says Sammy. She grins and crosses her arms over her chest, just dripping with self-satisfaction. “Since Bob has been dead for only about a couple of hours, it has to be a new boy.”

“Okay,” says Jack. Her hazel eyes dart over to her phone and she closes it. “You can’t tell the others…”

Sammy gives her a questioning look, “Yeah, yeah,” says Jack. “Oaky, his name’s Dean.”

“You always had a thing for Deans,” says Sammy. “Go on.”

“He‘s working on the same project as I am,” says Jack. “Gah, he’s gorgeous… I swear he must’ve fallen on his head before he asked me out.”

“The eyes?” asks Sammy and uncrosses her arms.

“You know it,” says Jack. “He’s hilarious. Not only is he like us, but also he has the physical comedy.”

“What does he do?” asks Sammy and grins.
Jack grins and looks up briefly, as though to ask for strength for the coming response, before saying, “Stunt double.”

“A STUNT DOUBLE?!” asks Sammy. “Not a skater?!”

“Yeh,” says Jack. “He should be an actor.”

“Let me guess,” says Sammy. “He’s too modest.”

“Yeh; he’s too modest,” says Jack. “You’d love him! He has a puppy!” Her eyes light up even more.

“You love him, don’t you?” bluntly asks Sammy.
“I might,” says Jack. “I certainly adore him.”

Sammy murmurs, “Mmhmm… Feel like a romance novel, yet?”

“Shut up,” chuckles Jack. “I haven’t thought of having kids with him, let alone kids’ names.”



“I don’t understand how he can handle you,” says Sammy, smiling and shaking her head. “You couldn’t be held down by Dad, and it’s pretty obvious that you’ve never mellowed out.”

Jack raises an eyebrow. “Okay, okay,” admits Sammy. “You haven’t mellowed out on your anti-authoritarian views on life and are pretty much mellow in the other aspects.”

Jack nods and says, “Here, here.” She turns up “Breakfast in America” by Supertramp, that plays in the Bug’s CD player, and softly sings along for a bit.

“Oh, so no screaming lady?” asks Sammy, referring to Jack’s latest favorite band, The Dresden Dolls.

“Nope, I was in a Supertramp mood,” says Jack. “You know how I am… varied and ever moving.”

“Mmhmm,” agrees Sammy and positions herself so that she is sitting cross-legged.

“So, how’s Jack,” asks Jack. “Your boyfriend?”

“No, I figured you were referring to yourself in the third person!” sarcastically says Sammy and shows an exaggerated smile.

“That’s why I totally cleared that mess up!” chuckles Jack.

“He’s doing well,” says Sammy. “He’s finally starting to get gigs with his band.”

“Still plays guitar?” asks Jack. She rolls her eyes and grins. “I told him to play bass…”

“Yeh, he still plays guitar,” says Sammy. “He got shot at near downtown while heading to his latest gig.”

“WHAT?! Why wasn’t I informed?!” demands Jack. “That’s MY district! Let me tell you! This will be taken care of!”

“That is exactly why you weren’t informed,” mutters Sammy, while covering her face. “Plus, you’ve been gone…”

“This will be discussed later,” says Jack. “I’m going to have a talk with Tony. He and his boys can help take care of this…”

“JACKLYN!” says Sammy. “Aare you part of the mafia?!”

“Noooo,” says Jack. “Tony is a buddy of mine with the precinct. He and I have been trying to clean up the streets. Since I have my connections and he has his LEGAL ones. “



“Ah,” says Sammy. “Fighting crime on your off time, eh?”

“Ha ha,” Jack states in a monotonous drone as she takes a sip of her pop, “Very funny, I know.”

“So, what does he look like?” asks Sammy as she lifts up her drink.

“Chick!” almost yells Jack. “You won’t give up will you?!”

“Nope!” say Sammy with a full smug grin.

“Fine!” yells Jack and then, takes a deep breath. “He wears glasses, has shaggy dark brown hair…” She pulls her hair to demonstrate the color of his hair. “… usually clean shaven (if not slightly stubbly), and is fairly tall,” Jack lists off to Sammy. “Are you happy now?”

Sammy somewhat pouts because she got her way without a fight. Jack rolls her eyes and does her very Jack thing to do… she quotes. She quotes off of Eddie Izzard in the style of grumpy Sammy, “’NO I’m not happy. I move the nook to the left, and it don’t look right. I-uh… I’m going to go ‘round town to put babies on spikes’…”

“WHAT?!” asks Sammy her minor bummed-out attack subsides. “What was THAT?”

“Eddie Izzard!” says Jack. “It’s form Eddie Izzard!”

“Oh, yeah!” says Sammy, her smug grin ruining any chance of looking offended. “Compare me to a weirdo transvestite!”

“First of all, he’s not a WEIRDO transvestite. He’s an EXECUTIVE transvestite,” says Jack. “And, secondly, he’s a cute transvestite… for an older British gentleman…”

“So,” starts Sammy. Her once slight grin has became a full on smile.

“Don’t even…” warns Jack. Her face is the face of a victim who’s fallen into a trap… the infamous “Well, crap.” face.

“Do ya…” says Sammy, her grin is even wider.

“DON’T…” warns Jack, once again.

“Dress him up?” asks Sammy and begins to chuckle. “You know, in stilettos and such.”

Jack sighs, shakes her head, and gets an idea. Her wicked smile surfaces and she says, “Well, I have to! Otherwise he’d be in bad drag… ALL THE TIME!”

Sammy’s jaw drops… “Does he really?”



Jack sighs, “I can get him to put on a blouse… he wears eyeliner, already… Part of the job.”

“I see,” says Sammy and nods.

“Mmhmm,” says Jack and grins.

“HEY!” yells Sammy. “That’s MY word-noise.”

“Well, you weren’t using the word-noise!” says Jack.

“We’re here!” says Alex over the Walkie-Talkie.

“Are we there yet?” Jack begins to sing in the Wakko accent. She is interrupted by Sammy’s hand covering her mouth and Sammy yelling, “YES!”