Different

Inspired by my friends at Writerscafe

 

Different

I’m different

I see with visions as your liquid thoughts carpet the paper

You words like the eyes of my mind, your views like the hands of my soul

Your breath like the breeze swooping down a shady oak tree on a warm summer day

The whispers that snare to my ears, captivates my mind’s wavy drift as I await

 I fade deep into your world with a harmony embrace… sealed in a gentle kiss… pressed upon your face

I feel your passion as it sweeps me off my feet as I grow fainter deep into a sleep

And as the treasures you release caresses my heart I crave the beat of a rare mellow treat

I wish it to continue as my eyes begin to flicker so I ponder ideas in a world that speaks to me without wither

The language which I love is walking your thoughts from deep, down your soul…a potential black hole

When I reach the end of that last fluid drop, I want so badly for it to stay with me and not to stop…

I cry tears of pain, crouch to the floor and say to you, please …give me more …of your mind to adore

Yes for sure I’m different

Author's Note

Some food for thought

Reviews

[None]

I like the author's note, too. :)

Mmm, a poem, or another name for mental morsel. That's what conjures in my mind when I read the words of your poem: a mental morsel. Like that favourite piece of chocolate that you've been saving 'til last, and you finally ingest it, and the explosion of flavor on your tongue is incredible. That is the feeling of this poem. I rather like this line, "Your breath like the breeze swooping down a shady oak tree on a/warm summer day" But since you are speaking of the mind, it would have been nice to have had the expression applied to the mind. For example, "Your breath like the breeze swooping down the shady oak tree planted in the forest of my mind." (or something. I can't quite capture your style, but I hope my example suffices) And I say this, because I comprehended the meaning of the word "breath" to be synonymous with consciousness or imagination. And I love the use of the word, "swooping." So this breath swooping through your mind, is a beautiful abstraction. The one thing I ponder, is why you are different? I can't figure that part out. Oh! Perhaps, it is the way in which you comprehend another's words (or mind or ideas)? This line, "The language which I love is walking your thoughts from deep,/down your soul...a potential black hole" Although, beautiful; after everything I've read up to this point, I would not think a potential black hole (as a black hole supposedly sucks everything into it), it would seem that these liquid thoughts would be pushing out with incredible energy, rather than sucking everything down into so-called infinite density? I like the way the words flow, though. I must end this lengthy review (my apologies) with a quote, "give me more...of your mind to adore." Your way with words is humbling and tantalizing.

[joshua rainbird]

This is an interesting piece with some unusual imagery, some work, others don't. The second line has a mixed metaphor of liquid and carpet, ' coat ' might have been a better verb choice.
'A potential black hole' is unexpected - I was anticipating something to do with a well here; I'm unsure as to whether the word ' potential ' is right as it sounds a little indecisive, a latent threat would be more worrying.
Lastly, I would reconsider sharpening the similes by converting them into metaphors thus strengthening your statements and give the writing an extra immediacy, for example: Your breath - the breeze swooping down a shady oak ...

I love the way that your imagery has diversified from the earlier pieces that I read a couple of weeks ago. You've come a long way in a short space of time.

This is a very interesting writing, it is a bit different front the other one, which shows your ability to speak in other writer's voices. This writing shows a scene and even as the reader takes leave of it, their minds will stay on it and the topic... Indeed different.. Nice job..

[Dani California]

This is a truly great piece! And different .. lol.

"The language which I love is walking your thoughts from deep, down your soul�a potential black hole"

I loved this stanza! The risks we are sometimes willing to take...

The entire piece is awesome! Great job :)

[James Takeo Panton]

So passionate! Great work, yet again!

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

This is beautiful. It really shows how you would like to dig deep inside someone and still come out guessing as to what it is that you just saw. In someway, this really touches me deep down. I am very grateful that you have written this. It is very strong and emotional. Thank you.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

ha, this is great :)

"I cry tears of pain, crouch to the floor and say to you, please �give me more �of your mind to adore"

that is amazinnngg i love that line
there' sa lot of appreciation/adoration in this piece... but it's subtle, and creatively wrought
hugs

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

A lovely write, Ralphy. 'tis true there is plenty of stuff to read around here by some great writers.


Great Write. A favorite.

[Kasey Klein]

Hello Ralphy.

Thanks for the invite.

Your metaphors are all over the map. I'm not sure how some of the similes apply. Example:

"Your breath like the breeze swooping down a shady oak tree on a warm summer day."

This is pretty, however, I have no idea what it means or how it applies.

A nice poem.

[Barbara Walker]

This is great, Ralphy, very descriptive and I get the tone. With being on WritersCafe you'll never run short of reading material! Barbara