Loving you too soon

A Poem by J. B.

It was your eyes
then it was your words
and this wild hope caught fire in me
consuming me
and I forget myself.
I let you in to fan the flames
to quench this desire to know you
the reckless craving to love you
And here I am, teetering on the edge of it all
jumping to float or jumping to fall
but falling too soon, nonetheless
am I a fool for letting you in so intimately?
And now
I grab the spade and cleave the shale
and dig until my arms cry out to me
how deep can I go? How big a hole must I dig
to bury the moment i looked into your eyes.
they say that time heals all wounds
but I’ve revisited you in my dreams a thousand times to be burned
a thousand times more.
the ecstasy of knowing you bore me aloft
it was your eyes
and then it was my heart
and now it is the lesson of loving you too soon

© 2024 J. B.

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emmajoygreen

A bewilderment of wonderful love and - nothing wrong in that J.B. Most everyone has her or his own idea of what is, might be OR I guess things went wrong at the beginning!? This is a poem full of thoughts, self-debate and methinks - more to come. Hope so but maybe pause on the thought that it you were dancing.. takes two to tango and - face in the right direction!

Posted 4 Months Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Reviews

emmajoygreen

Posted 4 Months Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JayG

• It was your eyes

Why thank you. Uhh... Is that you, Lynn? 🙁

• then it was your words

This reads as if your letter to an ex-lover was diverted here. In it, you talk in generalities, referencing events that are meaningless to the reader. To you, and perhaps to the one it's addressed to, the words would be meaningful. But to a stranger, who knows nothing of the situation or the characters, it's an overheard series of declarations from someone they don't know.

What can the reader say, in response, after reading, but, "Better luck next time." ?

My point is that there's no emotional content for the reader that would make them care. But the reader is with you FOR the emotional effect the words have on them. They want to be made to feel and care. They don't care how the poet feels, any more than you woke today wondering what's going on in the lives of the people who visit this site. They want you to use the poet's superpower and make them feel the emotion you choose, simply by your choice and placement of words.

Remember, poets have been refining and adding to the skills of poetry for centuries. But no one acquires those skills simply by attending school during their public education years, because the purpose of public education is to ready us for employment, not make poets and fiction writers of us. Like every other profession, poetry skills are acquired in addition to the nonfiction writing skills that employers need of us.

Those nonfiction skills are author-centric. The narrator talks TO the reader, reporting and explaining, as you do here.

So, it's not a matter of talent, or something wrong with your writing. It's that pretty much all of us leave our school days certain that writing-is-writing, and that we have that part taken care of. But we don't.

Luckily, the fix is simple: add those missing skills and practice them till they're as automatic to use as the skills you now use.

Of course, the words simple and easy aren't interchangeable, so there's a lot of work involved. But so what? Learning what you want to know is never a chore. And, the result will be poetry that readers will identify with and enjoy. Plus, you'll be acquiring tools that make the act of writing poetry a lot more fun. So, what's not to love?

To get started, try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. Mary is a poet and teacher of note. And that book is a gem that will have you saying, "Wow! Why did I not realize that without having to have it pointed out?"

https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

And for metrical poetry, and for all nonfiction writing, read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. You'll be amazed at the things we use every day, but never notice.

Minor point. You'll not "cleave the shale" with a spade You can shovel it once it's broken up, but the word cleave means split or sever, especially along a natural line or grain. And that takes a more robust tool.
😁

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-----
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

Posted 4 Months Ago

• It was your eyes

Why thank you. Uhh... Is that you, Lynn? 🙁

• then it was your words

This reads as if your letter to an ex-lover was diverted here. In it, you talk in generalities, referencing events that are meaningless to the reader. To you, and perhaps to the one it's addressed to, the words would be meaningful. But to a stranger, who knows nothing of the situation or the characters, it's an overheard series of declarations from someone they don't know.

What can the reader say, in response, after reading, but, "Better luck next time." ?

My point is that there's no emotional content for the reader that would make them care. But the reader is with you FOR the emotional effect the words have on them. They want to be made to feel and care. They don't care how the poet feels, any more than you woke today wondering what's going on in the lives of the people who visit this site. They want you to use the poet's superpower and make them feel the emotion you choose, simply by your choice and placement of words.

Remember, poets have been refining and adding to the skills of poetry for centuries. But no one acquires those skills simply by attending school during their public education years, because the purpose of public education is to ready us for employment, not make poets and fiction writers of us. Like every other profession, poetry skills are acquired in addition to the nonfiction writing skills that employers need of us.

Those nonfiction skills are author-centric. The narrator talks TO the reader, reporting and explaining, as you do here.

So, it's not a matter of talent, or something wrong with your writing. It's that pretty much all of us leave our school days certain that writing-is-writing, and that we have that part taken care of. But we don't.

Luckily, the fix is simple: add those missing skills and practice them till they're as automatic to use as the skills you now use.

Of course, the words simple and easy aren't interchangeable, so there's a lot of work involved. But so what? Learning what you want to know is never a chore. And, the result will be poetry that readers will identify with and enjoy. Plus, you'll be acquiring tools that make the act of writing poetry a lot more fun. So, what's not to love?

To get started, try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. Mary is a poet and teacher of note. And that book is a gem that will have you saying, "Wow! Why did I not realize that without having to have it pointed out?"

https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

And for metrical poetry, and for all nonfiction writing, read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. You'll be amazed at the things we use every day, but never notice.

Minor point. You'll not "cleave the shale" with a spade You can shovel it once it's broken up, but the word cleave means split or sever, especially along a natural line or grain. And that takes a more robust tool. 
😁

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-----
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” 
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

Rating /100