Creepin out my shell

a journey of self reflection from the mind of a combat veteran, upon coming back home, and finally being able to start the talk about "what happened over there"

I find myself awake at 3am, every morning, 

haunted by choices I had control of once; choices I made and blamed on

the organization I was part of. 

what better justification than that of laying blame on the only thing one doesn't have any control of? 

But 

I had a choice, 

and those choices haunt me and curse me in skeletal ways,

laying me bare with bone depth reality: 

cursed due to my own ignorance as an American man

my own ignorance as a warrior under the service of

corporate America.

I ask if I will ever forgive myself someday.

I ask myself if I should.

why not fight for peace and mend the broken? not with lead and steel
but with fiery words to spark a flame of passion 

and understanding to those who are afraid of the unknown

why can that not be the sole purpose of a military? 

deployments to foreign lands to help those that need it most? 

or perhaps we all need the help, and prioritizing conflict and heart break is an abomination in itself.

I spent years of my life working;

no,

not working. 

fighting.

killing.
 

stealing.

 

raping culture and ideals that were never mine to touch. 

in the name of what I blindly agreed to as the idea of freedom;
for a country that abuses it's own constitutionality.

are my eyes opened too late, or were they always open and I was too involved 

too wrapped up in my own white privilege to pay it any mind;

to give it the due cause, time, respect, and recognition it deserved 

and deserves still.

Somalia,
then Sudan

*then the part of the world that used to be known as a mecca of freedoms of cultures and faiths;

before the first World War; the Ottoman Empire brought peoples and cultures together peacefully.

Now a lasting instigation of bloody sand and soil

grit and grime 

hate speech and slavery  

religious persecutions

invisible brick and mortar walls of racial division.

then Sudan

again 

only this time in a fight that was not mine to be in 

during a time of turmoil that split the country into a North and South; 

The Carolina of Africa. 

Pick a side; 

the winning side: 

only to steal its' resources with shady trade deals and empty promises of protection against opposing forces; 

forces that fight for the same reasons anyone and everyone else does.

what was I doing there?

is the U.S. behind the slave trade in more ways than they would like to be made public?

Oh, did you not know

of the slave trade in Libya?

Refugees and underprivileged 

the distraught; fed distorted hopes and empty intentions

those are the enslaved

does it scare you that their life so closely reflects your own?
the chains are different as is the deliverance of them;

they are forced into theirs

you forge your own with smiles of indifference

the same way you address the slave trade now thriving in Libya

with indifference

but indifference and ignorance are the same 

one is said with a shrug and the other with a scowl

can I justify my actions in Sudan
Can I morally accept my part in Somalia.
Was I aiding pirates or protecting people from them? Or perhaps I already know the answer to all of this

and 

the truth is a shot of whiskey you've already taken, knowing how strong it was; 

I now have the choice to swallow it whole and accept it for the truth that it is, 

or spit it out and ignore the fact I ever knew the taste of it. 

but, much like pride

the truth has always been hard to swallow

yeah. I'm starting to creep out of my shell to ponder my reflection
bloody knuckles and bruised intentions

scars, open wounds, and all

A prostration of self to begin the steps of reconciliation 

and reconstruction

I see it all; all of me, laid bare.

when is the last time you stood naked in front of the mirror

Reviews

[Chris]

... the "mirror" has always lied - chuckling here ...it's what mirrors do.

We've ( you AND I ) existed in "interesting" times. Our core (and Corps') beliefs have been shifted and questioned til the very values that we've held as a focus are continually under fire - but NOT for the goodness or morality with which we held them as we began to BE adults and dealt with life's happenings; BUT for the eyes and voices of those who haven't walked in our shoes or footsteps nor looked into the windows of other souls.

It seems we didn't come back after all - our world changed and left us behind and all we can do is stare and deal.

We live with our choices - daily... and YES WE DID MAKE choices - real ones... not just make opinions.

I like my coffee BLACK and stronger than sin... at 3 A.M., and I never do decaf.

"Missing Friends..."

[barleygirl]

Here you express so many of the things I've thought about all my life, but never expressed, becuz it's very uncouth to speak of our extensive war machine in any other way, than as if it's second only to the seemingly Godlike commander-in-chief, as far as our country's priorities go. So I keep my mouth shut about it. But your message is all that ugliness I've been grinding on, except you have every right to be spilling it this way becuz you lived it, you saw it, you're speaking from a place of experience that adds so much to your words. I would only be babbling if I tried to say how much I detest our addiction to war. But here you've shown your ability & your right to say what needs to be said about it. I love the way you're saying this, even tho the message itself tears me up. Thanks for the courage on both ends of this . . . earning your right to criticize & then doing it with respect & care (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Davidgeo]

Reminds me of the teenage mutant ninja turtles musical tour.

You never left, you just moved for a second.

[AlternativePunker]

Mirrors always lie
cool man!

[akki]

your writing is very realistic..
i strongly agree with few lines here:-
why not fight for peace and mend the broken? not with lead and steel
but with fiery words to spark a flame of passion
and understanding to those who are afraid of the unknown
why can that not be the sole purpose of a military?
deployments to foreign lands to help those that need it most?
or perhaps we all need the help, and prioritizing conflict and heart break is an abomination in itself.
I find this the best part of this poem.