Roadkill

Disgruntled working mom meets others at cocktail party

Working motherhood is hard. It's much harder than I thought it would be, much harder than I ever gave my OWN mother credit for accomplishing, and in fact, it doesn't really "work."

I was recently at a cocktail party (actually, a mixed-gender baby shower with bartender), and found myself talking to two female attorneys of my own age. One is childless; one is on month 2 of child 2. "How's it going?" one asked. "David said that you were having a really rough time in the beginning," the other quips. I pause. I take a drink of my very expensive red wine. I wish it were something stronger. Because I know, that when asked, I'm really bad at bundling a nice white lie up and handing it off as a gift to the asker. When asked, I'm going to tell them the truth.

Luckily, I can sum the truth up pretty well. It sucks. Working, and trying to be a mom, that really sucks. The time that I give to work, I feel the betrayal of my child like a stake through my heart. The time that I give to my child during the week, I feel the weight of my job laying on thick, with a nagging little self appraisal of a job halfway done in my head. I want to be with my baby with no strings attached. I want to wrap myself in a day where the only agenda is set by his eating, pooping, and napping, and I want to manage those complexities at home and on the town: in the aquarium, at the zoo, on the playground. I want to be a full-time, benefits included, mom.

I eye my conversationalists, who are not so conversational anymore. Damn. I should have gone with the glossy sound byte. "Would you really WANT to stay at home?" the one without the kids asks. "Yes." Deer in the headlights. "Well, it is definitely hard at first" the 2+2 one adds. "Ford is 14 months now." Swerve!! Don't hit the deer! I decide to change the subject. Marathoning. That's an easy one. Let's go there. It's nothing quite as uncomfortable as mothering. Let's talk about those really difficult long runs!

So, maybe I'm realizing that this isn't just a "phase." I think, more and more, that there are those who do, and those who don't. It is becoming much clearer, and much easier to accept.

Author's Note

This is a fast dash to chronicle life at this moment for me. I'd like to know if it's at all interesting, if the dialogue is compelling, or if there are gaps. It's short, I know. That's a tall order for a few paragraphs, but any feedback is helpful.

Reviews

[WanderAsia]

I really enjoyed this read, I'm not a mother, but I can still appreciate your honesty in your writing. I don't believe any decisions are made easily, especially when it comes to your children.