Lost Notes

Sometimes I get lost in the shuffle

The lonely vibrato of a violin string rings out through the air.  The note falls flat, but rises sharp again, not able to find a balance between and the vibrato is too shaky.  The sound labors through the air, slicing the silence, overwhelming in its strength.  Yet, the air is heavier and pressing in on all sides, bleeding where the note cuts, but fighting back nonetheless.

 

The sound begins to weaken and leaves less and less of a mark in its wake until it fades away seamlessly into nothingness.  No one notices the absence and no one looks close enough to see that it is still there.  It's so faint and small that it's barely noticeable, but it is STILL there.  It still lives and it still breathes crushed against the air, pushed off to the side, broken and silent, but there.

Strains of a cello, a pulse beat in my ear.  A streak of blue across a pure white canvas, and my heart is tearing, striking red over the blue.  Tear drops fall, smearing the paint, the cello screeches and I can't breathe.

 

In a moment of desperation, I reach forward into the abyss surrounding me and my fingers tangle in a note.  The note is so weak and it's nearly gone, but I remember that the cello note is there as well.  It's somewhere close to me, hiding in shame from the mistake, overwhelmed by the pressure.

 

Eventually, in my hands I hold the pieces and cry out at the injustice of something so beautiful now destroyed.  I allow them to fall at my feet, a tangled mess, and I fall with them, hands covering my face, tears streaming, and sobs wracking my body.  I am as invisible as the notes.  I am as useless as the mistakes.  The scars left behind are too painful and shameful to face again and nothing can be forgiven.

 

We sit.  The notes at my feet, my face buried in my hands, and my entire soul crying out; sobbing, and slipping into the nothingness that surrounds us.

 

Suddenly, there is stillness.  I don't dare breathe and I don't dare move.  With the stillness comes a very faint calm.  Suddenly, I remember that these notes can combine to make something powerful and I urge them back to life.  First, the vibrato of the violin.  It begins to ring through the air, making its way through the nothingness.  Again, it is out of tune, it's not quite right, and it begins to falter until I urge the second back to life.  It screeches quietly, gaining volume until it reaches the first.  The two together make a horrendous noise until they reach out toward one another and hold hands.  Supporting each other, leaning on one another, the two become stronger and stronger until the music produced is bigger than both of them.

 

It rings out through the air, beautiful and harmonious.  The suffocating abyss surrounding them recedes quickly.  The growing music inspires and lifts and I can feel my heart lightening.

 

But like everything beautiful, it begins to move too far away and my ears strain to pick out the sounds.  I can no longer see them, but I can faintly hear their music, but it's getting further and further away and soon I will no longer be able to hear and my heart breaks at this knowledge.  What was my purpose in this?

 

I feel myself breaking and I see the loneliness stretching around me endlessly.  The music fades away completely and I find myself where I began, rocking back and forth, face pressed into my knees, tears streaming through my fingers and down my face.

Reviews

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

WOW Dez that is really amazing and so powerful... for me music is a big part of my life in terms of bringing out and helping deal with emotions so this piece and how you relate the symphony music to your mixed emotions of life is really superb, I am glad you entered that contest cause it gave me a chance to read this gem in your catalogue of art.

[H. H. Kraabel]

I liked this! It was so well written and the detail is very deliberate and artistically organized. Good job!

[Eric Schnell]

It was breathtaking and literally my heart stoped for a moment as the imagery made me sing high pitched notes of beautiful agony, and I became overwhelmed and my ears bled.

[An Ordinary Woman]

Exceptionally brilliant writing, wow. You feel your music, you live it and you see it. I admire that.

I have a son with autism and he "sees" musical notes in colors, shapes and movement. Unfortunately, with autism comes a great sensitivity to sounds and noises and it isn't often he will listen, but when he does, it's amazing to watch him listen. He sees a vibration, the sounds as they expand or fade. I've been working on a piece about him and was going to touch on this topic. Thank you so much for sharing this!

Amazing writing, amazing.

[Doug]

the music comforts you in your pain for a while, but the comfort only lasts as long as the music does. beautiful imagery. thanks.

[Thea M. Joy]

Wow, this piece is beautiful and very well written and descriptive. I love your word choice. Very nicely done!

[Rain]

Dezaraye..
I don't know what your musical back ground is, but certainly combined the two together, loss and disharmony. Just a beautifully written piece. You should be proud of this work. Rain

[TL Boehm]

the most eloquent description of loss I have ever read. Music and art combined to describe that feeling when we try to capture the beautiful, the breathtaking only to have it fade or fall at our feet. That feeling of complete loss is palpable as I read this - sometimes the loss of our dreams is as wrenching as the loss of something physical.

[Sean Allen]

I agree, I could see the notes at your feet. This is a beautiful piece.
Donn

[Yvonne Heidt]

This piece is amazing, Dezaraye. Your descriptions are brilliant. I could actually "see" the music and feel the crescendo.

Excellent.