Teardrops and Dewdrops

Sometimes I feel this way ... lost ... and all that understand are the blades of grass, the rain, and the dewdrops mixing with my tears.

Soft beams stretched over the mountains slowly illuminating the green beneath and adding to the soft glow of the stars already shedding their light upon the earth.  A robin tucked her head beneath a soft wing and sighed in the night.  A breeze tickled the grass sending the blades swaying softly, giggling in the moonlight.

            A heartbeat – heavy and sorrowful – beat against the darkness incompatible with the beauty around it.  In the silence she cried, teardrops and dewdrops mingling, yet not belonging in the spring night.  Alone in the night and alone in the day she staggered, never sure what was to come, not wanting to find out, but not willing to give up quite yet.  Thin shreds of hope still found their way to her heart on very brief occasions, but were becoming fewer and farther between.

            Tangled, dark hair fell behind her, covering her back where the shreds of her dress had once been whole.  The once white linen fell just below her knees, darkened with age and worn with travel, covered in dust.  Blue eyes peered through thick lashes, blinking rapidly, bloodshot and stinging, a combination of fire and ice.

            In a heap she fell, cradled in the softness of the swaying grass.  Tenderly, the breeze caressed her bare skin leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake.  The grass bent and conformed, creating a nest for her.  Stars twinkled with concerned and loving eyes, and moon beams stroked her hair, working out the tangles, looking for the hidden beauty.  A wildflower nearby bent its head slowly, down, down, down, brushing her cheek with a soft kiss; Mother Earth caring for her child.

            Oblivious, she cried on long into the night, unable to feel the comfort and love surrounding her.  Undiscouraged, her meadow kept on loving.  The grass held her gently in its arms, the breeze caressed her, the moon beams stroked her hair, and the wildflowers stood a silent sentry; protecting her.  Never giving up hope, it never stops loving, and the meadow waits for her child to come home again.

Reviews

[Dave "Doc" Rogers]

This is an interesting play on emotions and mythology. You could easily convert this into a fable, moral ending story, that even Aesop or the Brothers Grimm would have enjoyed. Don't feel bad because your description is short. It's a rounder anyway, not the story.

Your opening seemed a little weak... that could be me, so not to fret over that. I liked how you started playing to the nature scene first.

Para 2, line 1: 'incompatible' doesn't work with the feel that you had already set. Try something else... 'out of place' as an example. Same basic meaning, but keeps the English easier to match the mood of the rest of the piece to that point.

I won't nit pick, but I do think you have something here that if you reviewed/analyzed it, it could be a much better story and a real grabber.

Cheers!
Doc.
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[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

teardrops and dewdrops mingling, yet not belonging in the spring night.

first off I love this line cause it expresses how one feels when lonely and sad and can feel out of place among people who are happy...

That ending is perfect to as it states the best way to help someone you love that is down is to just be there for them the best you can.

Overall a bittersweet but beautiful story, really amazing... in fact it's going in my favs.

[Emily B]

I can't help but think there's more to the story. How did she find herself in the meadow? Why is she crying? Where will she go? The words you have are lovely and well-crafted. It just feel un-finished.

[Helen Woodward]

WOW!!!! Great piece Dezaraye. I can't believe you described this as 'just something to write.' You know how to use adjectives to their full potential weaving your reader back and forth, as your words quietly run off the page straight into the heart of those lucky enough to get a look in...
No grammar issues...Perfect...Love it for it's tranquility and sheer elegance!