Do you Hate me?

 

“Do you hate me?” She asked in that way that made it impossible to tell her the truth. I would normally say”Of course not, why would I” once again succumbing to the seduction of deception, but today my answer was… “Yes”. For the power of what I said you would have thing it would have been louder, but it barely emerged as a whisper. “What did you say” she inquired, waiting for me to bestow grace upon her once again, which only infuriated me more. “I said yes, I do hate you” this time the words spilled out of me with the force of a clear conscious. The look that came over her was a strange combination between disbelief and awe that I would say such things to her. “Excuse me, what did you say?” She asked again for I guess for either confirmation or to see me cave in and bless her actions, but I wasn’t in the blessing business today. “Yes, I do hate you. I hate you for the fact you always take me for granted. I hate you never really see how much I care, I hate you because you make me forgive you and take you back when you don’t deserve it. I hate you do what you want to do and expect I will be there to lift you up from the depths of guilt for your fuckups. I hate you because I cannot let go of you. I hate you because I hate who I am around you. But most of all, I hate you because you gave me the disease of loving you.” And as those words fell, she stood with out a word took her coat and walked out the door. Caught in a battle between the truth and courtesy, I ran through the door and called out to her. She stopped, and turned, her cheeks glistening with fresh tears “That’s why I loved you, you were always there to pick me up when I fell, to forgive me when I f**k up and you always seemed to do it with a ease that betrayed your heart. I know I have faults, but you were the only one in my life that I knew would not hate me for failing. You would always stand ready to accept me, regardless of my flaws. But now everything has changed and I can’t stay…and neither can you.”