The letter

More a piece on creative writing than anything else.

You sad sack of s**t. You've done it again haven't you?

Backed yourself into your little corner, surrounded yourself with all these precious things that you can't bear to lose. Clearly you've forgotten what happens.

You can't have nice things, my boy. To do so takes sacrifice, to do so, you have to be human. You have to open up. 

I can already imagine the panic you're feeling. I feel it, you know. The terror changes your blood, even when I'm not awake I can taste how frightened you are. Bare so much of yourself, show just how weak you are? 

Not a chance! Your insecurity has been your best method of keeping your secrets. Repeatedly wounding yourself with your own thoughts is the best defence you could hope for. 

You've done this before - Do you not remember? Remember when you last let someone in. Do you remember letting someone see all the ugly cracks in your soul, remember becoming that burden you swore you'd never be? Tell me, where are they?

They promised didn't they. Could you even say with any degree of certainty what town they're living in, let alone where they exactly are?

No, of course not. Didn't think so. They were right to leave, and if you start letting people in again, you're doomed to repeat it all again. I'd say you got lucky last time. You think the next time will be any better, that you won't have them running for the hills? Well here's a secret. You won't.

That's right, they won't run! Want to know why? I promise you, it isn't a happy ending. They won't go anywhere because you'll drain the fight out of them. You'll drag them down to your level and suck them dry, until all they can do is exist to shoulder your burdens whilst you whine and complain! 

You want to be a hero, then hold it in. Internalise that pain, that fear. Let it sit and rot and blacken your heart until you can't take it anymore and even then, keep your mouth shut. 

It's your own fault. People are inherently good. They don't just break for no reason. You assume that people are different and they've all shown you the same thing; the lengths they'll go to keep you alive. 

It's you. Your wounded rhetoric, this good guy with a tragic life spiel you spout. You've never really believed it, have you?

Oh sure, you say the words. You give the right vibe. You play your part perfectly. That's all it is though. A part. 

You always rely on someone else to save you. You claim you don't need it, You fight when people try grasp your hand as you sink, but deep down you're counting on it. You don't realise that they aren't pulling you out. There's no end to The Tragedy of You screenplay, there is no curtain call and a big cheer. Not until the Final Scene.

We both know you won't reach that point though. You don't have it in you. 

You count on them to fight for you. "You aren't all that bad." "You're just misunderstood" 

News flash Pal. You aren't as bad as you think. You're worse. 

Feel that? I can tell what you'll be feeling right now. That pit in your stomach, that dread, that self loathing. That is who you are. That's the real you. 

You want to know my favourite part? You had light. you still have light. Why do you think this is the first time you've heard from me in a long time? Things won't always be so dark and miserable. In fact, this Light now, if ever there was someone to save you, it would be now. If you ever really will get out of this, this will be the time. 

You will once again know joy. You will have hope. The darkness within you will scurry away, take refuge in the very darkest deepest corners of your soul, far enough away that you'll forget this. I will become a blip in your life, a speed bump you crossed and eventually couldn't remember.

My favourite part then, is that you are still you. If you are not saved, if once more you fall down, it will be because of You. You will once again feel hopelessness. The joy and good and hope you so desperately cling to is frail, it is fragile. If there is any hope of good, it is opposed by your natural ability, an incredibly impressive ability, to monumentally ruin things. 

You will suffer all the more for it. You will believe in yourself. You will aim to be better. It's really quite endearing. 

It makes it all the sweeter to break you.