Prolouge

This is the very beginning of my story. Enjoy.

Prologue

 

Once, long before any of the characters you will discover in this book existed, there lived a great Warlord. This Warlord had protected and saved Malestria many times from outside forces and was loved and revered throughout the land. His name was Veradagon.

Not only did Veradagon have a superior knowledge of battles and strategy, he also possessed the gift of marvelous insight. His skills in divination were seconded by none. With this gift, he could see his enemies weaknesses and plans before they were revealed.

Veradagon worked alongside another Warlord who was much younger, but not in the least a young man, and much more cunning and ambitious than the old wizard. His name was Zeteratroth.

Zeteratroth was jealous of Veradagon, for his skills and popularity with the people. Zeteratroth had no fame or fortune and people looked upon him with little respect, for he was a impatient, angry man who constantly sought revenge on those who offended him. Zeteratroth was ill-liked, but a magnificent Warlord, for he had a head for stratagem.

Zeteratroth’s jealousy for Veradagon reached a feverish point and he began to plot against him. He devised a plan and paid dearly in his precious and long saved gold to carry it out, for not many disliked Veradagon, and those who did feared him. But finally Zeteratroth cornered some petty thieves and threatened them that he would condemn them to judgment if they did not do but a single favor for him. They agreed to do whatever it was he asked. There were five that he found. All were thieves, but had never murdered before.

Zeteratroth had taken every aspect of his plan and went over it in his mind until everything was unto perfection. It was so simple a plan that the thieves thought him foolish, but they did not dare argue with him, even though they had no wish to kill another.

Zeteratroth went over the plan again and again with them until they knew every step they would take, when to breath, exactly where to stand. It was rather like a play, but with no happy ending. The murdered would not leap up and bow, but would lie there, very still, for a long, long time. That was how Zeteratroth wished it.

When the night of the performance came, of what a bitter night it was. Veradagon’s armies had suffered a sore defeat over the city of Valguron on the Western seashore, and it had been lost to them from enemies over the sea. The city of Centhur had already been taken and now the armies could advance to Rarenthia and from there the Surrounding Cities. So, the day was bleak and Veradagon in a bitter mood the night he was to die.

Zeteratroth’s plan was, as said before, simple. The thieves were waiting in Veradagon’s tent. When he entered to sleep, they would leap from the shadows and attack him. One would approach him from behind to cover his mouth and muffle his screams and curses. The others would silence him quickly enough. A blow to the head and the old man would be dead. They would hide the body in the forest. But, to ensure he was finished, Zeteratroth ordered them to bring him his heart still warm.

So it was in the still hours of the night when Veradagon finally entered his tent to sleep, the plan was set in motion.

The plan was, indeed, so simple it was masterful and would have assuredly worked except that Zeteratroth had forgotten on essential thing. One essential thing that was so obvious any reader must correctly think him a fool for not realizing it.

That thing was that Veradagon was a seer and already knew of all their plans and treachery.

When the thief came from behind him to silence him, Veradagon killed him quickly and easily. The others rose from the shadows like ghosts, ready to attack him, but Veradagon had already fled. The thieves, frightened of what Zeteratroth would do, cut out their dead friend’s heart and took it to him. But, in their haste, they forgot another essential thing.

They left his body there, where it was swiftly discovered in the morning.

Zeteratroth knew then that they had lied to him. He murdered them all as they slept in exhaustion from the night before. They were asleep as he entered and dead as he left.

Zeteratroth went in search of the wizard, but Veradagon had fled far away. Zeteratroth returned and told the armies that Veradagon had gone into the city of Valguron to gather information on the prisoners and spy on the enemy.

“He said he would rather go himself.” Zeteratroth told them, “Then risk another soldier’s life. “

The story was believable enough, but when Veradagon did not come back, all of Malestria was in shock and was horrified. They had actually, truly lost their Veradagon.

They then turned to the enemy and struck at them with such incredible fury they drove them out of the land in a single battle. But the victory was hollow. They had fought for Veradagon, but he was gone.

The entire kingdom was in mourning, but eventually they had to move on. Soon Veradagon was mentioned only in myths and tales. But all the while, Zeteratroth was still hunting for him.

He is still hunting for him.
 

 

Reviews

[Frank Moore]

This is my first review. I'm new to this site so I'm not sure exactly what kind of audience this story is meant for but the only fiction reading I have ever done has been of well known writers. So, in that context, I have to say it was immediately clear to me that the author is an amateur writer. I'm not sure how or why, but it was very clear about two sentences in, and by the fourth sentence it was too much. I stopped being involved in the story and started down the annoying path of criticism. Just fyi. It falls apart very early on for me. Please take no offense. If you're trying to get published I would suggest burying yourself in the writings of great authors. Steinbeck, Bradbury, Irving, Twain, etc. These writers knew how to create a story that could not be contained. Could not be ignored. They created an obsession in their readers. That's what a reader wants. Read them, write more, create obsessions. Cheers!

[Doibugu]

In the spirit of reciprocation, I'd thought I'd read some of your work and I am very glad I did. When I read more fantasy, this is exactly the type of prologue that would draw me to pursue the rest of the story. A great protagonist vanished (or KIA), an evil, jealous upstart, a broken kingdom. The story has all the elements of high fantasy. I would normally prefer a prologue to be a bit longer, but I think you do a fine job of interesting me enough to continue on with what you've built in this. Your skill in crafting the story is clear, and I look forward to reading and reviewing the rest of your chapters.

While then names were absolutely different, I enjoyed them. You might want to consider having a system for naming characters, if you don't already. It can be a bit jolting to read about Veradagon and Zeteratroth and then stumble upon their kindly Auntie Susan or Cousin Bob. I find old languages to be an excellent resources when crafting names or languages; they can help with vernacular consistency. Not that I'm saying you do this, or that you will, just something I've seen others do and like to mention because it's so often overlooked.

Best,

CS

[Aarea]

Yes, the names are a little hard, haha. I didn't really think about that until after a bunch of people said that, but now I have realized that my names are pretty difficult. Most of my names are like that, however, so I am hoping it is consistent. Thank you for your wonderful review, I am glad you enjoyed it. :)

[Jordyn Gray]

This is wonderful! I love how it feels as if I'm reading a history! I can't wait to read more! This was awesome! :3

[jbwest31]

This is very well written. I didn't see any grammar mistakes or anything. You're very good at drawing the reader in. The names are a little different but they show your creativity. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing how the story progresses! Keep up the good work!

[EvilAngel133]

I really liked it it caught my attention in the beginning and kept me interested all the way through especially the eerie ending that seemed a bit foreshadowing maybe? ;) The only thing I would change is the "They struck at the enemy with such incredible fury that they drove them out, but the victory was hollow. They had fought for Veradagon, but he was gone." part I would reword the part where it says struck with such incredible fury that they drove them out, to me it sounds a bit redundant in a way some rewording of it might work better there. Just a thought, other than that I thought it was perfect XD oh and I haven't read the rest, but for any struggling readers with names it might be useful to throw in a pronunciation guild in the front of the book. My book that I am working on right now does not have a lot of hard names, but it will have a lot of places so I plan to make a map for the front pages of my book ^_^

[Aarea]

Thanks for reviewing! I will look at that part, so thanks! I do have a map for this, but I don't know how to show it on here, because it is hand-drawn. I have considered putting a pronunciation guide in there, but my grandma, who reads it every time I bring another page, pronounces the names different and I decided that I might as well let anyone say them how they want. Grandma refuses to change to the right way to say it, so oh well!!!

[crystalandra]

An intriguing opening for your story that makes me want to read more...Well written and well done.

[Kathryn Jenkins]

I enjoyed the prologue it makes me want to continue the book...the names are a little hard I found myself stuck every time I went to read them. But, that isn't a big problem, in a way it takes me back to a lot of my favorite books. I look forward to reading more :)

[Aarea]

Thanks a bunch Kathryn! I'm glad you liked it, and sorry about the names. I have a lot of fun making them up, believe it or not. :) Veradagon is actually my best friend's favorite name for fictional characters so I decided to humor him. Every name in the book is based off of someone I know except Zeteratroth. Thanks for reading!

[chloe]

nice! i like it alot! i read this after i ready the first chapter thought, so idk if that matters but still, very well written! i can see that your really good at writing emotional parts of a story!!

[Aarea]

Thanks a bunch! It doesn't really matter that you read this after the first chapter. I wrote it when I was like, almost half way done with my original copy of the book. :)

[chloe]

lol! yea i know what you mean! im working on a book, but i haven't even published the first chapter yet!

[Aarea]

Ooh, you should put what you've got on here! I didn't notice any stories or books in your writing thing though, so I'm excited!

[chloe]

OK so far its kinda a little child-ish but i hope I'll get it to sound better! it was really my friends idea in the first place! she told me to write a book, so im like OK! idk if i should publish it yet thought! i think ill go over it a couple time first! but maybe ill post it soon!

[Aarea]

K, remember, childish isn't bad. Children could read your book and love it.

[chloe]

true... ill edit it, and then ill post it!! tell me how you like it!

[chloe]

OK i posted it! i still only posted the intro! i need to edit the first chapter!

[Aarea]

K I am going to read it!

[chloe]

ok ill post the first chapter soon