Platonic Relationships: Fact or Fiction? And The Taylor Swift Theorem

This is a paper that I wrote for my English II class. Our topic was our feelings and opinions on platonic relationships. After much soul searching, this paper was created.

Platonic Relationships: Fact or Fiction?

And The Taylor Swift Theorem

By Bailey Harbit PhD.  

 

 

Note: This paper is completely inaccurate. All names, numbers, and statistics have been made up. All names have been changed in order to protect the individual’s identity. This paper does not represent the views of the author or anyone else. This is solely for entertainment purposes.

 

 

We’ve all seen it. Guy A and Girl A are friends since birth. They grow up together and share life’s experiences. They enter high school. Suddenly their seemingly perfect worlds are changed. Guy A’s friends and interest change. As do Girl A’s. Their feelings change too. Girl A begins to have romantic feelings for Guy A. But Guy A likes a new girl, who we shall call Girl B. Girl A, is heartbroken and writes a hit song about it. This all too common scenario is called the Taylor Swift Theorem. In this riveting and disturbing report I will go in dept on the state of platonic relationships today, and how they affect today’s society. I will also rebut any possible arguments against the TST. Then finally I will tell you my personal horror story with a platonic relationship and how we can handle this alarming issue once and for all. 

First, according to the National Center for the Control of Platonic Relationships (NCCPR), 99.99% of the population as at least one friend of the opposite gender. That is alarming news to anyone who knows that over 99.99% of these friendships end when some kinds of feelings develop between the two. Studies by the NCCPR also show that when a person of the opposite gender has feelings for a friend of another gender, 50% of the time the friend will not have the same feelings towards them. Often times the rejected friend can go through 3 stages of rejection. 1. Shock 2. Sadness 3. Extreme Anger. These emotions have devastating effects on our society today. Take our example from earlier on in the report. Say Guy A and Girl B start dating, Girl A first feels shock that she was not chosen over Girl B. This shock may cause Girl A to not engage in any activity for a certain amount of time. As Girl A enters the Sadness Stage, all productivity shuts down, and Girl A begins to write songs about her feelings. The final and most devastating stage is Extreme Anger. This may cause Girl A to burn and destroy any if not all mementos of Guy A and in some extreme cases of Extreme Anger, cause physical violence against Girl B. This leads to total anarchy and the destruction of Western Civilization.

 Secondly, many so called “experts” on platonic relationships say that the TST is “complete and utter garbage and “you would have to be a complete moron to believe that all of these lies were true.” I’m here to tell you that they are LIARS! I have a PhD. Would I make any of this up? Said “experts” claim that a guy and a girl can be friends through out their entire lives and not once have feelings of love or like for each other. I’m here to tell you that is simply not true. These “experts” clearly have never had a friend of a different gender and or have no heart, so they can feel no emotion or love. One other large argument against the TST is that once someone feels rejection, they don’t always write songs, and certainly not hit ones. My rebuttal, HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST?!?! Everybody who’s ever had their heart broken writes songs about. Why I myself have a journal full of songs and ballads that I have written. Some of my personal favorites are “Why Does Danny Like That Tramp and Not Me?” and “If I See Her after School, She’s So Dead!”

I’m going to tell you a very personal story in hopes to show you just how serious this problem really is. For example I had been friends with “Rico” for several years. Beginning in the 8^th grade I had always sort of liked him but was too worried about ruining our friendship to pursue any interest in him. Then once we hit high school, my feelings became more obvious and I trashed one of my good friendships because he liked one of my best friends. This girl and I barely speak to each other now. However, I had become close friends with another girl, who we shall call “Miley”. I looked up to Miley as an older sister and someone who I could always tell my secrets to. So of course after telling her of my feelings for Rico, she began talking to him behind my back. I only became aware of this after Miley finally fessed up about what was happening. I gave her my blessing only because I was very good friends with Miley now and she had connections with people who could beat the crap out of me if I didn’t let her have what she wanted. Things became awkward when Miley and Rico would sit by each other at our lunch table. This made me extremely mad and I came to realize that I still liked Rico and that I was jealous of all the attention that Miley got. Things finally came to a head one day and one single act completely destroyed my trust and respect for Miley. I called her horrible names and told her to never speak to me again. I also told Rico he was a disgusting-pig-jerk and told him I hated him. One day several weeks later Miley spoke to me and told me she no longer like Rico and wanted to patch things up with me. I did only because I was a shallow freshman and thought things would get better. They did, although our friendship has never really been the same.

I told you this story to show you how a platonic relationship nearly ruined my relationship with a close friend and destroyed things with a guy I had been friends with since 3^rd grade. It is my hope, no dream that we can completely get rid of platonic relationships and put a stop to these types of horror stories from happening to our friends, family, neighbors, pets, and acquaintances.

In conclusion, I have shown you how platonic relationships could lead to the possible downfall of Western Civilization, I have defended the TST, and I told you a personal story, in hopes to put some people into action to stop these horrible happenings. You know, people often ask me why I do all of this. Well first I put down my expensive Starbucks coffee, give them my award winning grin and say, “it’s because I love everybody, and I have a PhD, I can do whatever I want.”