Just Me

After a conversation I had today I felt to share exactly who I am and how I refuse to change for other people and their expectations.

     I had a conversation with an old friend today, well to be more exact, an old ex-boyfriend. He and I used to be best of friends then we pushed past that and ruined a good thing. The day started out as usual for spring in Boston, rainy, cold and wet as I left my three story house for my morning run around the Sugar Bowl ( for all those of you unfamiliar with this, it's a long piece of man constructed bridges that connects South Boston to Fort Independence in the middle of the lagoon). Halfway through my four mile run I had pulled my hood up against the wind sprinting for a while to keep warm. I reached Fort Independance slowing down just a bit to catch a breath when I spotted a familiar walk just a few yards in front of me. I should mention that without my glasses I'm pretty blind to everything but I could just make out the unique stroll. Halting in my steps I froze not sure of what to do, did I turn around and pretend I hadn't seen him or did I jog passed him and not meet his eyes? Too late he had noticed me first picking up his pace.

     We talked for a little while, awkwardly at first but we were treading in safe waters, no questions of our love lives or our previous friendship. He was the first to bring up his girlfriend and push the conversation into a direction I had been thoroughly avoiding. It's not that I mind he's in another relationship but it leaves room for more uncomfortable, tabboo subjects. He informed me that he was happy with her and how she wasn't afraid to committ and all this other stuff that he was subtly slighting me with. Sure I had committment issues, I knew that, everyone I knew knew that, it was no secret to the world but hearing him say it in such a way made me angry. I don't anger easily and when I do I let it slide until it builds up over time and I explode, not exactly the healthiest way to handle situations. We said our goodbyes and I ran on home my mind racing with everything he had said.

     The roads my thoughts led me down didn't please me but what else could I do while I was running? I had nothing to distract myself from well, myself. That's when I realized I shouldn't let him make me feel ashamed of my relationship issues. He and every other guy I have ever been close to or dated has pushed me too far too fast and I've panicked. He was no different. They all ask me to be something I'm not. I've never been the conventional girl. I'm athletic and built like an athlete. I have  toned stomach and strong legs, I'm not the skinny, anorexic looking girls all the guys seem to want and I'm okay with that. I like being able to push myself in sports and forcing myself to run that mile just a little faster everyday. I'm not the submissive, quiet, fashionable girl he and every other guy I dated wanted me to be. I'm loud, agressive, and I fight as a form of intimacy. I wear clothes that I can play a random, unplanned game of one on one with my friends and I'm okay with that. I read and I like to talk about politics.

     For the next twenty minutes I made a list in my mind of all the things I am and this is just me: I've an incurable Irish whisper, I sing as loud as I can when no one is around, when I'm in a good mood I dance and I laugh at everything, I always have a smile on my face, I'm athletic, agressive, kind to those deserving and scornful of those who I believe have done wrong. I can be judgemental of first impressions and I love waking to the sound of rain on my window. The sight of the moon on a cold winter's night calms my soul and I love swinging on the swings in the early days of autumn. I appreciate silence and I appreciate a good joke and a great friend. I'm loyal and truthful sometimes to my own detriment. I am Irish and Native American and these two things define who I am. I don't trust easily but when I connect with someone I never let that go. All these things make me who I am and now I've finally begun to appreciate that.

     By the time I made it home I had come to the conclusion that until my conversation with Charlie today I had in part blamed myself for being something I can't ever be. I wanted to be wanted and tried to change for all these guys which made me unhappy and committmentphobic. I have to thank him and all those guys who want girls who are fashionale, girly and skinny  because I don't want to be like them. I want to be me. I want to be able to run a mile in 6 minutes and score goals on the lacrosse field and talk about things that are acctually important in the world instead of the newest overly priced Coach hand bag that could feed a third world country. I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone, and  they shouldn't ask me to change. I've changed and matured and now I realize that I won't be afraid of a relationship if I feel like me and not someone trying to be someone else.

    I am me and that's all that matters and no longer will I apologize for that.

Reviews

[An Ordinary Woman]

I am me and that's all that matters and no longer will I apologize for that.

" ... because I don't want to be like them. I want to be me."

Amen. You've summed up what it took me most of my life to learn. My girlfriend and I have had a week of epiphanies and this fits right in. Thanks for this and Excellent writing.

[JohnL]

I find this story of self esteem and longing to be yourself very reminiscent of some of my own life and when it became obvious that my days of self-determinism were slipping away, I opted out of business and just did my own thing. The poem entitled Myself describes it and I put it on for you to see when I read 'Just Me'. You build up an atmosphere very well in which you analyse your feelings deeply and are using the running time in a very profitable way. You have sorted out some of your feelings and come to a conclusion before finishing the run. The style of your writing drew me into the run with you, and this is the sign of a good writer.
This was bright and positive writing. I did find some of your other work dark and that is something I find very difficult to take. I'm pretty cheerful by nature so was glad to find your piece on laughing and also this piece to relieve the burden. I find I need to balance my work. Yes, there is a sad, dark side to life but I try to accept it and deal with it but not to dwell on it.
Your use of long lines, almost prose in your poems is interesting and not something I am used to but will look at more closely. Sometimes, if you can manage a rhyme, you can insert some half rhymes into the middle of long lines like that and get some spectacular effects.
John

[Dani California]

Free to be me! You go girl!

Oh my gawd...could I go on about this FOREVER! lol Expectation. Expectation. Expectation. Why do we run our lives according to other's expectations. If we really take a close look, most things bought and sold in this country are based on fulfilling others' expectations of ourselves. Truly truly sad.

You can only be you, and that's a beautiful thing. Anyone who tells you otherwise... is not healthy. Grab the disinfectant. :)

[Hedra Helix]

you're pretty damn awesome, crappy review. but thats what im left with at the end. and even before this thats what exudes from your profile anyway.
you seem like a beautiful, strong girl, who knows herself and is genuinely striving at living life, and thats friggin cool. you run that mile in 6 minutes. you bad a*s;)

[Dezaraye]

I like this, Brette. I like that you've written out your thought processes. You and I are a lot alike. I am still struggling with who I am and it's never because of what I think and feel, it's what others want me to be.

I admire your strength and I'm so glad you shared this.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Right on... I love the personal insight you reveal to your reader... No you shouldn't be ashamed of your relationship issues, we all have our issues so no one has the right to judge anyone... you are right ina relationship you should be yourself, I applaud your convictions.

[Bennett Logan]

I like it. It's a personal declaration of independence of sorts... Only less paperwork. There were a couple spelling/punctuation errors here and there, but it reads as having a distinct beginning, middle, and decidedly happy ending. Keep up the good work.

[Robert Luna]

Brette my dear heart you should never feel that you have to be someone else to please another. In the end you are the only person that matters. Your heart is pure and as good as i have seen. I say shame on those foolish boys for trying to change a near picture of perfection. You are the best you that you can be and I know that you have wonderful and great things in store for your life. Never sell yourself short and never settle for what just comes along. I am proud of you and honored to call you a friend. Plus you like tatts you are aces in my book 100%

[R J Askew]

Good for you. I don't think most guys care about handbags at all. And who wants to be as skinny as a rake? What you describe is vigour! Of body and mind. Excellent qualities.

[ShadowWolf]

Bravo! Did you steal that description of my perfect woman out of head? :)

It is a life-long process, learning who we are and if only there more like you perhaps our society would not be so screwed up.