Chaos

Spoken word poem... something old but still my favorite of my rhymes.

She's falling, ends up crawling, wallowing in self-pity.

She cries because of her lies that ties her to her demise,

Her hands tremble like the skeleton they resemble.

Her sorrow binds, wrapping around her like vines, she whimpers and whines,

The unearthly rasp of her voice makes her gasp but there's nothing to grasp

As the ground falls away, there's nothign she can say, death has its way.

She is silenced in her last stance of defiance, no more reliance

On the ones who put her here, no longer filled with fear

Of what she doesn't know, doesn't have to put on a show

For what she doesn't believe in, all that wordly sin.

With the forces of light, the power unearthly, unbound take flight.

The chaos within that rages, fluctuating in stages of crimes

Of superstition she has supposedly commited against her religion.

She pines for a night, quiet, dead and without sight

Where she can pray for a day without pain and sorrow for the coming of the morrow.

Reviews

[jen -- JG]

This is a great piece of work. I really like it.

This is something that CAN NOT be read fast - it does not have a regular meter so important in most rhyming poetry but then THIS is not a regular poem.

This is a spoken word poem - where a story is told by the reader, with all the pauses and theatrical movement required - a type of monologue if you will.

It is a far cry from just reading a normal poem. When read using the punctuation as a proper guide, the feel of the story comes across better - it simply can not be rushed through.

I can see the stage where this should be read. A poets' reading den... the room filled with soft voices and the ching of coffe cups on saucers, then a spotlight sears the stage and illuminates a figue standing still.. The room falls silent and a voice begins to speak... to tell the story. Her voice is gentle, then raises in speed, volume and intensity as the story unfolds- falling to a gentle sound ... almost like a prayer as the final words are spoken. The room errupts with the sound of clicking fingers ... a reading poet's greatest award.

A lot of Shakespear's work could be read this way as he also used internal line rhyming.

This is a good theatrical monologue a spoken word poem that tells a good story.

VERY WELL DONE

jen-JG

[jakelsen]

Brette,

I really like the cadence and rhythm of this poem. It has its own beat. One suggestion (and take it for what it's worth, which may be zip) i would change one word in this line: "The unearthly RASP of her voice makes her GASP but there's nothing to GRASP. Try clasp instead for a change of sound. "The unearthly rasp of her voice makes her gasp, but there's nothing to clasp." Just thought gasp and grasp were too much alike.

Like I said, only a suggestion. You're the poet, and a very good one at that!

Jeanie

[Mr. Deft Diction]

I really like this. This comes from a place deep within, and I don't know how you perform it; but a deliberate pace REALLY would stick it to the audience. There's chaos, with all of the emotions that you feel, all of the things that are going on around you....

hopefully you found your center afterward.

Nice piece.

[Blackbirdsong]

Now if only you had an evoca or some other program set up so that we could actually hear you read this...that would just be spectacular. You definitely have a gift for spoken word poetry...this has a pulse and strength that just leaps off the page.

[Dragon Witch]

I love the way everything ties up so well. This was well thought out. I really like it!
Kudos!

[Joseph - Michael]

I completely agree with jen -- JG 100% ; This writing is one of the important thing that have to be read slow and carefully, in order to capture every one of the senses...

On the other hand, it's still well written piece you've created and it sure it worth reading, so it's still all good there...

[Vatsayayana]

This is beautifully written, I love the power of it and the vivid imagery.
Your words are lush and free-flowing.
There are sentences where it appears the woman caused her own demise and yet I feel pity, sorrow, compassion. How many times have we all done something that we regretted? How many times have we fallen from grace, we don't know how to stand back up? If only someone would offer a hand. A chance at kindness.
It's an unusual tale, I can interpret it in so many ways. I've had to reread it twice, looking for the smaller things, the little things. It's so personal and it brings about such a flavor of emotion within me.
Again, I'd have to settle for compassion, this person, makes me feel compassion and I cannot help but wipe a way a tear from my cheek.
Brava!

[ElJays Nicholas]

Heavy stuff! You speak on behalf of millions of people who feel the same way, who from birth have their belief systems thrust upon them by those who are supposed to love them. And, it's such a burden and a weight to overcome as we climb to higher states of consciousness. It reminds me of the Pistis Sophia, where she falls into a chaotic reality, feeling lost, alone, and desperate. She embodies divine wisdom within creation, that voice within us crying out "this is not right." She thinks she goes unheard, but she remembers in the end who she truly is. Nicely written....

[Stephan]

This is one powerful, beautifully crafted piece of word art. You paint the emotion with such perfect ingredients: pain, struggle, strength, resilience.
This is a piece that will stuck in my head.

[Nicholas Hallows]

This is really good. I'd love to hear it spoken, and spoken slowly with a raspy voice... maybe that's just the voice I have in my head all the time. There's not really much I can say that hasn't been said already. Nice work!

[Hedra Helix]

Hell yeah girl! dang can you flow;)
Im excited to read whatelse you have. Nicest rhyme ability ive found in awhile just my imho of course not trying to piss of any other writers. Slick and quirky;)

check this outtie though:
there's nothign she can say