leap of faith

Take your dreadful hooks out my back

I am tired of living as your scarecrow.
I'll jump the fence, I'll make the move, 
And I’d bite the bullet

If it would help release me from your rusty claws.

I am becoming weary of your sinking teeth,

Of your unloving touch
But never apathetic to your unhinging ways,
Never blind to your lunacy 
Yes this is my oath by day. 

But when the sun sets so does my will,
The moon eclipses it, overshadowing it
Blocking out the sun

And in turn bringing my will down to the empty casket that is my bed
That shall soon become my coffin

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I can't presently recall how often I praise you on your handiwork but it seems as if I'm doing a lot of it today. I am a perfectionist and a professional nitpicker, but I don't see anything here that pops out as a hindrance to the poem, so kudos. It looks to me as if you're improving right in front of my eyes. :)

[Extant]

Sounds like a relationship gone bad and now this person once loved is draining you dry. I can understand how the resolve to cut ties is hard to actually accomplish, I'm struggling to rid my life of more than a few leeches at the moment. Sometimes I just fear that I will let go and it will turn out that who I thought had been corrupted was really a good person in a bad time. . . Now I'm going on about myself.
Switching from the content of the poem to it's actual body the only thing that slightly nagged me was the last stanza, third line. To me it is unnecessary and doesn't do anything to enhance the poem because you already said eclipse and overshadow. But that's my opinion.

[Zahra]

An interesting piece, strongly written. Thanks for sharing

[Eddie Phillips]

Great imagery as always. I enjoyed the take on faltering confidence in this poem. It starts very strong. It uses words like jump, move, unhinging, and oath to paint a picture of resolve. Then you hit us with the true story of the poem. It is about the act of being resolute. When the lights go out so does the will to fight. The person is blocked and fighting to live. It is a powerful piece. Keep writing and I will keep reading.

[Azriel]

thanks eddie, glad you enjoyed it.

[unsavable_soul]

Interesting,
I will start by say this has interesting conveyances. It leaves the reader heavy with the feeling of this beast like persons want to defile you. This is very direct, it displays clearly the decay within and willingness to destroy ones self for another but being broken and in agony over this subjugation. Then finally an empty peace devoid of all else. Don't take this the wrong way but it could almost be taken as a very poetic description of the battle with depression. Now on to the only thing that stuck out to me...

"But when the {sun sets} so does my will,
The {moon eclipses} it, overshadowing it
(Blocking out the sun)"

This mental imagery as I read it set me back a bit. Here's why. I am quick to envision what I read. so the order of events flowed as this to me.
1. Sun sets - In some fashion I imagine the sun disappearing from sight over a horizon.
2. Blocking out the sun - How was this visually possible? I can no longer see the sun.

Perhaps transposing the two verses/lines so that the sun is eclipsed and then it is as it set? This is not me looking for a problem, I just became jumbled there. I get into pieces of art. This is very good material, don't mistake that. This is just a thought or suggestion. I hope this was helpful. I really like this.
Sincerely
Christopher
90/100

[Azriel]

thanks christopher, your reviews are always quite insightful, in reference to the sun setting and then being blocked, i think i meant in reference to different periods in time. the sun represents something or someone in this piece and therefore it's seen in relation in to my will. also the moon represents something else, that is seen to affect this "sun"... sorry if this sounds confusing

[unsavable_soul]

No problem,
Just figured I'd give up what I noticed in the piece. Hope you're well.
Chris

[Debra Wedin]

Wow!! I'm in awe over this.
But when the sun sets so does my will,
The moon eclipses it, overshadowing it Blocking out the sun
To me that's a surreal way of showing loss.
Very very nice!!

[Azriel]

thanks debra, your'e far too kind.

[Debra Wedin]

Your very welcome!!

[.]

~ you're a very powerful poet... it's always a treat to read you... this piece is superbly written... and the last stanza was completely unexpected... the way you played with the image of the "setting sun" is particularly remarkable...

[Azriel]

thanks serah your words as usual, inspire me to continue to write :)

[.]

~ awesome... :)

[Robin]

Very vivid write. I really liked the last stanza. The whole piece has depth and feeling.

[Azriel]

thanks robin, really glad you liked it.

[Sami Khalil]

"But when the sun sets so does my will,
The moon eclipses it, overshadowing it
Blocking out the sun"
This is some good poetry . But I like the whole...Well penned...:)

[Azriel]

thank you sami, it truly means a lot coming from you.

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure...Any time...:)

[Brandon S. Whitten]

This is perfection. In tuned with self and an awareness where you are in life, standing strong while embracing the real you; in nature and spirit.

[Azriel]

wow, brandon you have no idea how much these words mean to me... i believe this is the greatest compliment i could ever receive about my writing.