Bone Man

In a faltering frenzy he tries to fix his bones back into place,
Quickly sticking back femurs into sockets and spines into cords. 
Quickly, before they can see,

 he rotates his head to where it's supposed to be
Moving cartilage to where it belongs, 
Fixing jaw bones and teeth back into their place.
All done before they ever notice.

At night, however, he has to unscrew it all

And undo the deadly sins he had birthed
This damning creation he made himself throughout the day, 
He must now come undone.

All in effort to avoid the cackling laughs of those living skeletons
That he hates so dearly.
But at night and to his surprise
Rotting corpses line his window,

Now laughing at how desolate his insides have become
He reaches for a hand to feel his pulse, to hear his voice.
But no one ever notices a dead man calling.

 

Reviews

[Sami Khalil]

"Now laughing at how desolate his insides have become
He reaches for a hand to feel his pulse, to hear his voice.
But no one ever notices a dead man calling."
Wow. This was sad and heartfelt...Thank you for sharing...:)

[Azriel]

thank you

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure...:)

[ChemicalMadness]

I'd love to see this prose used as a launch point for a short story....I think there is a lot to work from here.

CM

[Azriel]

hmmm that's a great idea, i'll get started on that asap, thanks for the idea.

[Extant]

I always love when bones are the topic, anatomy is great for poetic terms . . . I guess .serah. was right, this is very similar to what I write and try to portray. I also like this, which is a bonus. Especially the last half of the last stanza, "Rotting corpses line his window".
Whether this at all 'autobiographical' it certainly relates to my writing and my personal self.

[Azriel]

thanks haunt, im glad you liked it... i just had the privilege of reading some of your poems and to say the least im floored by the... and yes for the most part this piece is 'autobiographical"

[Extant]

Good to know. Thank you. *Smile*

[unsavable_soul]

Very, very nice.
This is so much going on I think I am bound to leave something out. Well for starters I love it. I understand I could be way off but I have to tell you what I see here, This guy/thing (excellent metaphors in the imagery of this idea) has built himself to survive among the others/skeletons (again very nice) but isn't himself truly because of it. Then when he finally feels he can be himself and takes himself back apart someone,someones/rotting corpses potentially someone trusted breaks him for being broken, then can anyone help. I could be way off as I said but it is a masterpiece in my opinion for me to pull this much and more from it. I digress, I ramble now. I love it, absolutely love it. Oh, and the graphic imagery at the very beginning, perfect I say.
Bravo Azriel,
Bravo
Sincerely
Christopher
p.s. May I place this in my library please?

[Azriel]

christopher, thank you very much first of all, your words mean a lot to me...secondly your interpretation is very spot, however the ones that break him and see him as himself in the night are the very ones he tries to appease and disguise himself into/ become similar to them, yet when they see him for himself they see his true "dying" self and he has to face the reality that he is "dying" and no disguise can mask that. but i always encourage persons to find their own interpretation, because can mean something to you and then the meaning ends up being totally different from what u saw... now im rambling on, nevertheless thank you for your kind words and i'd be honored if you wanted to add this piece to your library.

[unsavable_soul]

Thanks,
I appreciate and admire this work. Thank you again for it and the added understanding.
Sincerely
Christopher

[.]

~ wow... okay... first things first... there are some stunning instances of alliteration in this piece... and i love them because i am an alliteration addict... :P ~ the detailing in the first stanza is incredible... i love that kind of attention to detail... images etched with skill are a treat for my mind... ~ since you do use punctuation, it would be nice to see a comma after the word "however" but this is a supremely minor issue... i might have gone with "has" instead of "had" but that's also a minor issue... ~ i disagree politely with the previous reviewer about the proximity between the words "done" and "undone"... i think the proximity adds to the music in the piece... i might insert an "an" before "effort" but even this is a very minor issue... ~ the most important and compelling part of this piece is the last line... what a closing... and i think the way you reached it (i mean the preceding lines) was fantastic... a very powerful piece of writing... i can imagine myself in a grave... post my death... with these thoughts... you took the reader right into the mind of the character... excellent work...

[Azriel]

wow thank you serah, you have no idea how inspirational your words are to me also im glad you enjoyed it... in regards to the "done" i can see how it adds music to the piece, however when i thought about changing it the first thing that came to my mind was "birthed" and i thought that went better with the entire concept of the poem. nevertheless thank you for taking the time to point out the things that can be changed in the poem... i really appreciate that, cause it helps me when writing future pieces.

[.]

~ ah... those were truly minor issues... ~ this poem is just too beautifully written... ~ and... you're very welcome...

[Riley Bray]

I loved this poem! While the images in my mind were quite gruesome and grotesque, (clearly the desired effect), I was still intrigued. My only comments are as follows:

"Quickly before they can see...
...All done before they ever see"-----While these lines are not right next to each other, they still mean the same thing and are too close to each other. I think you only need one of these lines. :)

"And unto the deadly sins he had done...
...He must no come undone"-----These lines are also not right next to each other, but having done and undone so close doesn't sound right.

Anyway, I really loved this eerie poem! Very good job and I especially liked that last line of yours! Bravo!

[Azriel]

thank you very much riley, i appreciate your words...also thanks for the comments... i'll see what i can change.

[Riley Bray]

Alright. Again, great job Azriel!