Communication and Kindness

A comedy. Seriously, who wants to go out with kindness anymore?

Miles Druitt was nervous. So nervous, in fact, that he had forgotten his cell phone in his room. He felt like such an impetuous individual. Seriously, who forgets their cell phone, thought Miles. He had invited Kindness Fernandez- oh beautiful Kindness- out on a date and now he would make an a*s of himself by forgetting to bring his phone. It was too late to go back and get it, anyhow. As he neared the restaurant he saw Kindness all alone, as if no one wanted to notice, let alone greet, her. But he thought that preposterous, considering just how beautiful Kindness is.

“Hi. Shall we go inside?”

She crisply raised a finger to his face,

“I cannot believe she is not returning my texts!” She finally noticed him after fiddling with her phone a while,

“Miles! How are you? This place is nice.”

He smiled and invited her inside. They were promptly seated. Miles ordered lobster and wine for both of them, and figured she would appreciate his assertiveness and maturity. As they were waiting for the dinner to arrive Miles decided to begin the discourse,

“You know I like you a lot. Kindness you should not be single. It is completely absurd that your relationship status on Facebook should be set to single for so long. I would really like it if you tagged me in your pictures as hubbie.”

All through the conversation Kindness was tinkering with her phone and spoke without diverting her eyes from the phone,

“Oh Miles, how sweet of you, darling. You think we should begin a relationship?”

At that moment the food arrived and Kindness did not seem to notice for she would not raise her eyes from the phone. Miles, enviously looking at Kindness’ phone, decided he might as well eat. 

“You know Kindness before we go about changing our statuses we should probably have sex first. I mean it doesn’t seem appropriate to just go around starting relationships without touching the basics first.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Her tone did not change, but the tapping sound made from her pressing the keypad of her Blackberry© became much more rapid.

“Of course not. I guess we could be that odd couple… ah! The wine is here.”

As the two left the restaurant Kindness could not help but feel an immense warmth in her heart, for she was, after all, no longer single. She felt that she should do something. Definitely! She would perform a sort of act, an act having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence. She could not for the life of her think of the word, but she had an idea of what she wanted and thought that more than enough for her purposes. She was so engrossed on the subject that she spent the whole walk home pinging her friends with her Blackberry©- asking for a suggestion as to what such an act would entail- that she barely noticed Druitt walking alongside her. When they arrived at her dorm he attempted to kiss her, to which she quickly reeled back.

“Umm, what are you doing?” She had received a ping that very instant so she was looking at her Blackberry© rather than at Druitt.

He replied rather quizzically, “I am trying to kiss you.”

“Oh honey no. We’re in a relationship. It’s not like we’re getting on; we’re way beyond that. What would people think if they saw a couple making out in public? Why they’d think we were getting on.”

Druitt did not understand just exactly what ‘getting on’ meant, but he figured it had something to do with what he heard in a Ludacris song. And certainly Kindness was not built to be treated as those girls in rap videos, so he concluded that they were not ‘getting on’ for her own good. As he said goodnight and walked home Kindness noticed a girl walking out of the building wearing a yellow shirt with the word “S**T…ISH” glittered across her chest. Kindness immediately knew that this was to be her act and chided, in her mind of course, her friends for being too stupid not to think of this scenario. She walked towards the girl,

“Excuse me.”

The girl was on her cell phone and either did not hear or assumed that the invitation to conversation was not directed at her. Kindness thought of how rude it was to talk on the phone while others are trying to speak to you and tried again, this time with a more assertive tone,

“EXCUSE ME.”

The girl rolled her eyes toward Kindness and opened them wide while cupping the receiver on her cell phone as if to say, “WHAT?”

“What are you wearing? That shirt is absolutely insulting not only to Fashion but to every member of our proud gender.”

The girl looked down at her shirt and held the phone farther from her ear,

“What do you mean?”

“Well it is portraying a horrible image of you. What do you think people will think when they walk past you? Seriously, wearing yellow on Ash Wednesday of all days. They’d think you have no self respect. I mean, you might as well be walking around without a phone.”

“Oh my God! You are so right. How could I forget? What are you going to do?”

“I am going to update my status, but I am feeling kind so I will not say where I saw you nor will I describe you.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, just fix it.”

            As Kindness pulled out her Blackberry© she could not help but feel proud for doing that poor girl a favor; she really did look quite silly. Meanwhile, Miles had gotten to his room and logged on to Facebook, after properly cursing himself for leaving his phone.

KINDNESS FERNANDEZ is preparing herself to go out with Miles Druitt Wed at 7:20 PM

KINDNESS FERNANDEZ is eating lobster at a restaurant with Miles Druitt Wed at 7:50 PM

 

KINDNESS FERNANDEZ thinks she is being dumped by Miles Druitt Wed at 8:10 PM

                Miguel Lockward Wait, you guys were going out? Wed at 8:11 PM

KINDNESS FERNANDEZ Miles Druitt asked me out! Wed at 8:20 PM

Miguel Lockward You sure Druitt said that? Wed at 8:20 PM

Ambivalence Lockward Miguel, when were you going to tell me about Druitt? Now I feel horrible for tagging him in my note. Wed at 8:20 PM

 KINDNESS FERNANDEZ Druitt asked me if I wanted wine. He is so mature. Wed at 8:45 PM

Edward Chase Wine? Kindness you know that is way too fine for you. lol Wed at 8:45 PM

Kindness Fernandez Things change when you stop being single. Wed at 8:45 PM

Miguel Lockward Btw, tell Druitt he owes me a coke. The saints won. Wed at 8:46 PM

Kindness Fernandez Really? I will not tell him. That will only make him mad. Wed at 8:46 PM

Suddenly, he heard the familiar tone associated with an instant message, it was his friend, Miguel:

Miguel       9:18pm

 Hey man, what’s up?

Miles          9:18pm

 Not much; went on a date with Kindness. You heard about that?

Miguel       9:19pm

 Why of course, man! It’s all over Facebook. It seems to be what’s popping right about now. I, for one, am surprised. She does seem kind of….plain.

Miles          9:19pm

 Nah, man. She’s just kind.

Miguel       9:20pm

 Lol. Anyways, speaking about what’s popping, you heard Ambivalence got into a car accident?

Miles          9:20pm

 Seriously?

Miguel       9:20pm

 Yup. In an attempt to take a yellow light on an intersection she stopped halfway and was hit by one of those Dodge Rams that are just so awesome.

Miles          9:20pm

 Nice. Which make?”

Miguel       9:20pm

3500.

 

Miles          9:20pm

 Man, I love that car. Yo, by the way, when did this happen?

Miguel       9:20pm

 About two days ago.

Miles          9:21pm

 Why hasn’t anyone told me?

Miguel       9:21pm

 No one knows. I only know because I am her cousin and had to visit her.

Miles          9:21pm

 Lmao. Sorry to hear that, man.

Miguel       9:21pm

 And it’s her fault, anyway. She hasn’t posted anything on Facebook. Remember when Carelessness had to get his leg amputated in light of his climbing accident.

Miles          9:22pm

 Oh yeah….

Miguel       9:23pm

 Well he updated his status every hour on the hour and even paid the surgeon to take pictures of the operation so that he may post them on his page.

Miles          9:23pm

 Oh yeah! He tagged the nub after the leg was removed.

Miguel       9:23pm

 LMAO. Yo, but enough old news, tell me about you and Kindness? You guys had sex yet?

Miles          9:24pm

 Haven’t gotten around to it yet, I think we might end up going out first.

Miguel       9:25pm

 WHAT? Are you crazy? That is far too personal! I mean you barely know her (you haven’t even had sex yet). Think about it, is this the girl you want that kind of bond with?

Miles          9:26pm

 What do you mean?

Miguel       9:28pm

 Just imagine you walking down the street hand-in-hand with Kindness. People will say, ‘look at him, the idiot who chose to stay with Kindness. We’ve all passed Kindness around and he’s the idiot who stays with our leftovers.’ You will certainly become a laughingstock. A good girl to date is Indecency- now there’s someone who no one has touched (or if she has been tossed around she has the decency to keep it quiet).

Miles          9:35pm

 OMG! You’re right! But what can I do? She already set her relationship status to, ‘In a relationship with Miles Druitt.’

Miguel       9:36pm

 Woah, man. That’s pretty bad. Well a status update should quickly end that. A status update definitely trumps a personal info change.

Miles          9:36pm

 ….True…

Miguel       9:37pm

 Anyways, man I have to go.

About five minutes later there was a post that kept a very extroverted group of youths up all night, the majority of which were forced to renege their duties studying for midterms due to the intense severity and audaciousness of the post- consequently, many professors found themselves employing severe grading curves not done since the Great Depression. It was from Miles Druitt and it read thusly,

MILES DRUITT No longer wants Kindness. Miguel is right, everyone has given her up and so will he. Wed at 9:40 PM

Author's Note

Tell me what you think.