Prologue

Life's hard now. There's no one to watch out for us anymore--all of them are gone. The sooner you accept that, the better.

The soft sound of footsteps on wet concrete bounced off the walls of a lonely alleyway. Above, the night sky was lost in the haze of the city lights and smoke from the factories that guarded the river.

“What a lonely place..” the soft voice was lost in the gloom, as soon as the words were spoken.

Jensen, we're alone out here.

Syla Jensen was a girl of about fourteen. Dressed in ripped jeans, a torn up shirt, and a dark hoodie without its tie, she was the picture of an injured childhood. The only thing that denoted she had ever really known a family, was the tarnished, silver, heart-shaped locket she wore around her neck.

“Was he right? Is it so bad I can't let go?” she murmured. She was thinking over her encounter with one of the gang lords of Harbinger city: Blake Azero, the Vigilante leader.

She veered right as a light in a window flickered on. Her startling blue eyes darted around the area in search of trouble. And yet...her mind still wandered to Blake...

Even now, almost three days later, the image of the young gang boss was burned into her mind. The dark hoodie that covered his bluish-silver hair and covered his piercing green eyes... Those dark navy jeans that blended perfectly into the dark buildings of the alleys at night.... All the way up to the chain necklace he wore...The light sound as the metal loops bumped against each other...She could even hear it as she slipped beneath a bridge with cars clattering away to somewhere above.

Chink, chink, chink!

Syla stopped.

“Wait...that was almost too real.” she said, looking around.

Chink, chink, chink!

“Hey, Jensen, what's the haps?” a low voice asked.

Syla whirled around.

There was Blake now, striding towards her. He was flanked by his two friends, Burn Ryder and Tayla Marshall. Burn was a tall, muscular, red-headed sixteen-year-old wearing a dark gray shirt. Tayla was a lean fifteen-year-old girl with dark brown hair and even darker eyes. She fixed Syla with a glance that sent shivers up the younger teen's spine.

“What do you want now, Blake?” Syla asked, somewhat intimidated.

“Just wanted to check up on you, that so bad?” Blake said, smiling, “And see if you've

made a decision yet.”

“Decision of what?”

Blake laughed, a soft, mellow thing that bounced around in the confines of the bridge.

“Syla, you're such a laugh.” he said, “I mean, the decision on whether or not you're joining our little group.”

Syla stopped short. Oh yeah...that decision.

“I haven't made my mind up yet, Blake. I'm not even sure if I dig the idea yet.” she told him.

Blake shrugged and responded, “Well, I admit it. Vigilantes aren't your nicest gang people out here, but at the least we've got some kind of family.”

Syla didn't reply. Family?

“We're alone here, Jensen. We're on the lowest rungs of the ladder, getting the worst treatment. Least we can do is help each other out, right?” Blake asked, taking advantage of her silence.

He and his posse walked around her, on their way back to the Vigilantes' headquarters"an abandoned warehouse not far from where they were right now.

Syla thought about what Blake said, her hand clasped around her locket.

“Wait, Blake, wait!” she shouted and turned around. She ran after them and stopped before him.

“What's up, Jensen?” Blake asked.

“W-Where's the Vigilante warehouse again? I-I want to check it out.” Syla said, turning her gaze to the ground.

“Aha. Follow us, Jensen.” Blake said, turning and leading them out from beneath the bridge, now quiet in the night.

Author's Note

I know it's short. BITE ME. Dx It's just the prologue anyways.

Reviews

[Mary Evans]

You have a good style even though it might seem a bit rough. You shouldn’t worry about it too much, it all comes naturally with time.

I’d work a bit on the beginning, I don’t know why but it seems a bit off, the second sentence I mean. Maybe a rephrase?

I agree with most KeanesPark pointed out but I wouldn’t worry about the dimensionality of the characters just yet. It’s a prologue after all and it’s good to leave a bit of mystery. Just stay away from stereotypes.

“Burn was a tall, muscular, red-headed sixteen-year-old wearing a dark gray shirt. Tayla was a lean fifteen-year-old girl with dark brown hair and even darker eyes.”
This is something I, myself, learned recently. Don’t stop the narrative to describe your characters, find a way to incorporate it into the narrative instead.
So overall you have a nice prologue and an ok hook. Keep up the good work.

[hippityhoppitybippitybo..]

Grammar, Spelling, and Other Nitpicks:

"'What a lonely place[...]' [T]he soft voice was lost in the gloom ][ as soon as the words were spoken." If you have an independent clause after the initial line of dialogue, you capitalize the first letter as it's treated seperately.

"The only thing that denoted she had ever really known a family ][ was the tarnished, silver ][ heart-shaped locket she wore around her neck."

"Blake Azero, the [v]igilante leader." Unless 'Vigilante' is the name of their group, this should be on small caps.

"The dark hoodie that covered his bluish-silver hair and ][ piercing green eyes... "

"'Wait...that was almost too real.' she said, looking around." This doesn't really seem like the normal thought process for a person, let a lone something you would say out loud. 'Did I really hear that?' or something along those lines sounds more believable.

"sixteen ][ year ][ old"

"Tayla was a lean[,] fifteen-year-old girl with dark brown hair and even darker eyes."

“Decision of what?” -"What decision?" sounds much mroe natural.

"'Syla, you're such a laugh[,]' he said[.]"

"'I haven't made my mind up yet, Blake. I'm not even sure if I dig the idea yet[,]' she told him."

“Well, I admit it. Vigilantes aren't your nicest [of] gang people out here, but at the least we've got some kind of family.” -Maybe you should change this up a little; you could say the same thing about the mafia.

The Rest:

The dialogue really bothered me, but before that, the details: The story is seriously lacking description. Details are like the water of a story and it'll be all dry and skinny if you leave it out. You seem to describe people much more than the setting (the complete opposite of me), though even then it's pretty limited. Things they're doing in between, thoughts they're having, emotions they're feeling, clarifications in regard to their surroundings, etc.

Rather than the dialogue being stiff (thought it is a bit), the characters are speaking as if they REALIZE they're in a story, and the readers are watching their every move. The flow seemes rigid and forced, like they met somewhere, rushed through a script, and played it out under the bridge because they were bored.

Also, Blake seems to be the only one with any sort of prominent personality. Everyone else, at least in this initial chapter, seems and feels two-dimensional. Try giving more depth to the characters, they're going to be important pieces in this game.

I'd suggest turning this over a couple times, checking for dirty spots and scrubbing it clean, all the while making it shiny and sparkly.

[compositionc]

I LOVE IT.

Seriously. Jensen, or Syla, or whatever the bloody hell you call her, is kind of epic. I really like her. She doesn't really come off as a brash, bold kind of character. Blake does though. And Tayla sounds like she has a scary crush on Blake and wants to KILL SYLA.
Hah.

-bites you for not having more-