It Kills Me When I Think Of You

Written in the form of a biographical letter, London Hayes shares a short story of romance, friendship, grief and loss.

Dear Reader,

            My name is London Hayes. My dad is a policeman in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where I live with him as well as my four brothers. I guess you could say my life was pretty chill for a teenager. I never really had any girl friends, I preferred to hang out with my brothers and their friends, who I grew up with.

Everything changed one early summer afternoon. His name was Alvin McDuffie. I had just had my birthday that April, and was enjoying my new freedom that came with turning sixteen from my dad. I remember the first time I saw the guy who changed my life forever. He had dreads just above his shoulders, the ends were dyed a light golden brown and they had gold clips on them. He had tattoos on his shoulders and neck, and a teardrop shaped scar under his left eye. His eyes were beautiful, sad, and dark, with short eyelashes that curled upwards.

We grew close over time. His mom had died five years ago, when he was twelve, and his dad had been in and out of jail for most of his adulthood. Alvin lived with his grandma and brother Jamal, who was rarely home and worked dangerously for a drug dealer in town, sometimes going to nearby towns for extra pay. He worried about his brother, and I worried about him. I didn’t want him to get involved in the same game that brought the end of freedom and sometimes life to so many of the guys in our city.

Then there was a time period where I didn’t hear from Alvin for almost two weeks. I found him in town and saw that he had been in a few fights and didn’t want me to see him with his “battle wounds”. I wasn’t mad at him, but that day was the mark of a change in me. I worried about him all the time after that, and call me the clingy girl, but I would freak when I didn’t hear from him for as little as a day.

Then Jamal died. He was shot by some drug dealers from a city near Baton Rouge. That was the mark of another change, but this time it was in Alvin. He became distant and angry. I could tell he was keeping things from me and things between us were falling apart. But it was the beginning of August now, and although we had never been romantic or in a relationship, we were very close, and I loved him, and I knew he loved me.

Not much later I figured out what was going on. Alvin had been getting involved with the drug dealers his brother had worked with. This time I was mad at him. I confronted him and we argued, getting into a fight.

I didn’t talk to Alvin for weeks. During that time I went on with my life, but inside I was different. I was scared for Alvin. I hadn’t heard from him since our argument. He could be dead along with his brother right now for all I knew.

Then I couldn’t stand it anymore. In my fear I was convinced he was headed in the same direction as his brother. I wanted to talk to him again. I didn’t want to live any longer not knowing. That evening I called him but his phone went straight to voicemail. So I left him a message to call back when he could, and that I wanted to talk to him.

I never got a call back, but that night, when my dad was on night duty, he came to my door. I opened the door and we both just stood there for a second. My eyes filled with tears that were both good and bad. I could tell he’d been in a bunch of fights, but he was alive, so I was relieved. I went right up to him and threw my arms over his shoulders, hugging him tight. He had his hands on my back and pulled me close. I was crying and couldn’t catch my breath enough to say more then “I was so scared that something happened to you.. I missed you.”

Then whispered something into my ear that will stick with me for the rest of my life. “ I missed you too baby, I ain’t never gon’ scare you again like that, thats a promise. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I whispered back. He stayed with me that night, and well, I don’t know how else to put it, but yes we had sex.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My dad was furious, and ordered me and Alvin not to see each other again. You can guess how well that worked out. But he ended up filing a simple restraining order, enough that Alvin would be in trouble with the police if he came near me.

So not only was I pregnant, worried about Alvin, and grounded, but I didn’t even have him to help me through all of it.

It was October and I hadn’t seen Alvin in almost a month. I worried about him and thought about him every day. Then one night I got in an argument with my dad. He wanted me to get an abortion and forget Alvin and the baby. I knew I could never do that. An hour later my dad went in for night duty in the office and I snuck out to go see Alvin. I didn’t care about the fact I was grounded or that there was a restraining order set between us, I just needed to see him. But I never made it there. I was assaulted by two men. I didn’t know them and couldn’t see their faces anyway, but they were strong. I fought back but it wasn’t enough. I was shoved up against a wall with a 9mm glock pointed at my jaw. They demanded I told them about some drug lab, saying they knew I was Alvin’s girlfriend that that they knew I knew where it was. Of course I didn’t. But they didn’t want to believe that. But before they did anything else to me, Alvin was there, fighting one of the two men. He looked at me, yelling “Run, London, get out of here!” I didn’t move at first, immobilized by fear. They there was a loud gunshot. I knew what had happened instantly, and watched helplessly as Alvin jerked back, collapsing on the spot. The men looked at each other and ran, but I was barely paying attention. I ran over to Alvin, who was lying on the ground, the brightest thing around was the reflection of the distant street light, reflecting off of the pool of blood around him. I was crying hysterically as I called 911. I only had to wait a few minutes for the ambulance and in those moments he opened his eyes. They were teared up from pain. He opened his mouth and whispered, “I love you, London, I always will. Don’t forget that.” I held both his hands in mine and kissed him. He kissed back, but only for a few moments. Alvin McDuffie died that night.

But that’s not the end of my story. A week after Alvin’s death, a guy named DeAundre called me, and asked me to meet him near the basketball courts that Saturday. When we met he explained that Alvin had come to him and asked him to watch out for me if anything happened to him, and to make sure I was safe.

Apparently, the two guys who assaulted me that night were a part of the same group that killed Jamal, and were after some drug lab that Jamal had. After Jamal died, they came after Alvin and me, when they became convinced that we knew where the drug lab was. Alvin, who knew what was going on, apparently had guys all over Louisiana that knew about me in case something happened to him.

After baby Alicia was born the next summer and I turned seventeen, my dad let me spend the summer up in New Iberia with DeAundre and his mom, who helped take care of Alicia. DeAundre and I became very close, and while there was no romance between us, I could tell that DeAundre loved me. I just wasn’t ready to love again so soon.

Alicia is three now. I am twenty years old and DeAundre is twenty-one. We’ve moved in together back in Baton Rouge and he has become the father figure for Alicia, helping raise her.

I don’t go a day without thinking about Alvin. I miss him all the time, and it hurts. He changed my life, and I know he will always be the love of my life.

And I miss you, yes I do

I know you’re looking out for me

From heaven

And I see you smiling

I know you’re surrounded by his love

You’re my angel watching from above

And I’m never gonna let no one ever

Take your place. -Kim McCoy, “I Miss You”

• London Hayes

Author's Note

The cover picture is a picture of Alvin.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad story. I know it too well. I lost five brothers to drugs and the city. Hard to stop people who want easy money. I tried to stop my youngest brothers. They needed the high and words meanth nothing. Thank you for sharing the story. Most cities are the same. Drugs and easy money leave the young people to dangerous places. I like the baby was saved. My brothers left many children now with questions and only bad answers.
Coyote

[Shaquana Adams]

The setting is so sad. Involved in drugs from the start... I really felt the emotion in this story.