Am I Alone

The past year and a half I have been having battles with myself. I have made some decisions I have regretted very much. I have missed out of some important events, lost people dear to me and have grown less and less attached to the things I love. I even doubted my own faith for awhile there and since I have been trying to find some composure, some help in finding my faith. I want to be the way I was years ago; a young teen girl who enjoyed anime, drawing, and being with friends. I still enjoy those things only now I am often burdened with the thought of my possible future in eternal hell fire.

Lets start with the basics. 

I am attracted to the same sex, and I know what you're thinking; "All girls your age think they are bi, its just a phase". Listen. I WAS in love with another woman, and I can promise you that if she hadn't broken my heart we would still be together. I was even beginning to fall for another girl but pushed myself away from that knowing it would never work. I was in this relationship with this girl for 5 years. Thats an awful long time for a phase -With one girl, not jumping around meaninglessly. I was committed to her.- so don't misjudge me. Next, I lie...often. I don't realize it sometimes how much I twist things around, its an attention thing. I feel like if I am not getting attention I must make something up for someone to notice me. This isn't an egotistical thing, this is a "I didn't get enough attention growing up cause my mother was to depressed over my dad killing himself and I was an only child" kinda thing. And I am not twisting up that story. Another is that I believe I have fallen again only this time with a heretic who shows no interest in believing and I do nothing to change his mind because I do not like to argue. Lastly, I don't believe in the bible. I have a hard time believing in most of the regulations and rules in it. What I believe is morality, and perhaps the Ten Commandments. I believe that you should be the best person you can be that means don't lie, kill, steal, hurt anyone on purpose. Basically common sense right? Something we should all be born with.

So why, does the situation have to be so black and white? You either believe or you don't. Its all very frustrating and a lot of the time it doesn't make sense. When we are young we are told Santa Claus is real, and he brings goodies for the good girls and boys and coal for those who are bad. However, when we get older we figure out that Santa isn't real at all and that magic isn't real. 

My family has been progressively getting poor. We have barely made it with bills, necessities, holidays and birthdays. A couple years back, Christmas was just not going to happen. We were housing my 3 cousins fresh out of foster care and my grandfather was supporting 4 different families alone on his income. At night he would vent and ask me how he would afford Christmas this year, even just a family meal and one present each.  Every year his work has a Christmas party and I was finally old enough to go. There, people at his work gave him 400 dollars to spend on his grand children. The tears in my grandfathers eyes showed relief, and thanks to something a lot greater than we could imagine.

After the Christmas party people from my school showed up at my doorstep with a Christmas ham, turkey, stuffing and everything else you would see at a family dinner. It was truly a remarkable Christmas. So to those who believe that Santa is not real. This is a prime example that he is. He does not live on and is personified as a man in a red coat but the average man. Everyone at that party put in just a little bit and all together made my families Christmas one of the best. Even the root word of Christmas is Christ. Christ is real, God is real, just maybe not what we all were expecting. Who is to say that the good things we get out of Santa are rewards for being 'Nice' and getting nothing but coal perhaps is our punishment for being 'naughty' just as we are judged to go to Heaven or Hell.

  Now I often sit around at home thinking about this sort of thing. I have nothing better to do than ponder life's mysteries and drink Mountain Dew, create wild assumptions about touchy subjects and get verbally abused. My opinions about God and reasoning might make me the most disliked character on this site of even the internet but like most of mankind, if they stumble upon truth they will quickly run away as if nothing ever happened. 

What is praying? Saying a prayer is almost the equivalent of making a wish. 

"Please let me win the lottery"

"I hope that girl likes me"

"Please God help my grandfather make it"

The only difference between Prayer and wishing is that when your wish comes true you have no one to thank. Because you don't believe. You didn't pray.

I make wishes all the time, and pray too. Birthday candles, shooting stars, flowers, and sometimes I flip a coin to make decisions for me. Am I going to Hell?

I believe in God just as much as the next guy. I believe in a lot of things, God, Magic, I even saw big foot once but who is judge me on how I feel. I often get mad a lot because my life downright sucks. Constantly being around drugs and alcohol, being let down by family, the number of deaths is overwhelming and I honestly didn't think I would make it this year.

If God is spiritual, and he lives through us then what if he is us. The people in my Youth group or as my little cousins say 'Church School' say that we are all tools of God, and that we often answer prayers for him. Now to a non-believer they would say that had nothing to do with God. That everything that happens to us is just chance! 

But that same person would agree that the one who helped them, the stranger that helped push your broken down car to a safe spot or the same person who saved your loved one in the hospital is a good person, and by some good morality they did the right thing in helping you. But to those none believers who let something bad happen to them dictate their beliefs whether it be you getting robbed or losing someone precious, they believe there is no God because He didn't physically jump in and protect your house from the robbery, he didn't reach down and put life into your dying relative. So you either blame God, or you just say he is not real, because he did not do what you wanted.

Now, how many of you play a game where you control life? Sims? Or even owned an ant farm? Can you tell me how hard it is to keep the ants and simulated characters from getting into some kind or trouble or killing themselves?

Its hard. My character always catches themselves on fire somehow.

Its hard to be everywhere at once which leaves me with me GOD LIVES IN US THEORY!

He answers prayers through us. He helps people through us. He is the doctor that saves your life. He helps the mother raise the child, he is the man when protecting the home. He is...the people who help a family out on Christmas...

I can't really justify how I think. I often just write things down when they sort of make sense and then later on I reread them and wonder why I wrote it in the first place. Often people tend to completely forget to find their own opinions. I don't reject organized religion and I am not a heretic, however I do know what I believe and that is that God and Angels are supernatural and the reason that they are everywhere at once is because they live on through us. The bad things that happen are often just our own selfish actions. Like when you go into the store and see a jar with a kitten or puppy on it asking to donate. You want to help, but instead you buy a soda. Or even worse, you see someone get picked on and don't do anything about it, pretty soon the kid getting bullied hangs himself cause he didn't have a friend and where were you? 

I wrote this just wanting to know if there was anyone out there like me? Someone who can make me feel normal and give me an opinion on my fate. Am I due to eternal hell fire or am I just a paranoid teen girl with a lot of time to think.

Author's Note

So how about some opinions

Reviews

[Emunah June.]

There's clearly a lot of struggle going on inside you, something that I unfortunately haven't been doing a very good job of helping you through. And while there are some theories I don't agree with (and Im pretty sure you know which ones), I can relate to the idea here which is sitting alone in a quiet room overthinking everything.


**THE FOLLOWING IS MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION**


Yes, there is a God, but personally I think you're looking at Him the wrong way. Of course you're going to have a frayed relationship with Him because you're surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Now, call it jealousy, which some of it is, but I MOSTLY disagree with your relationship because I feel it be unhealthy. This isn't what God had planned for you, hence why you're feeling that void.

However, there is always room for change and improvement. The cool thing about God is, He never stops caring, even when you do. So come back to Him at your own pace, when you're fully ready to accept His word.


All in all, this was a very thought provoking piece and I enjoyed reading it in a calm and mature fashion. :)

[Shep]

After reading this I felt it was necessary to reply that you are not alone in this struggle. I to believe in the same things you do. That you are an interesting person worth knowing. this was very heartfelt and I loved reading your story . Please be kind and return the love,