Power

I've been gone for a while, but it's time for my thoughts to see the light of day again.

The future is close and I haven’t the slightest idea what it holds. I know right now I am in the midst of suffering and trying to understand the world. Understand the people who can no longer understand their place in my life. My twisting of reality turn every last hero into a villain and finally at the end of the day I learn that I am indeed the villain. My desires to be more than I am, to be perfect, to be desired, to speak for my generation, my class, my community, have lead to hurting the very few real human beings I have met. I believe part of the problem is that I do not see them as human beings but as ideas, as characters in the side plot that is my life. I see the confused doll who cut her stings and hasn’t figured out her footing, I see the boy who is learning slowly and carefully how to love himself and the life he never knew he was creating, I see the man who filled so much of himself with hatred that he jeopardizes everything he’s earned, and here I am waiting in the corner to knock them all back into place. Waiting for the girl to find her feet, the boy to love, the man to win. I sit here across the room hoping that I haven’t screwed them up so bad, but also wishing I hadn't had the power in the first place. Maybe I give myself too much credit, because after all I am the hero of my own story. Maybe I never had any power at all.

~September 12, 2018