Blame

My lips were to blame 

For leading you astray

Followed closely by my eyes

Which lead you into temptation.

My whispers came next

Beyond redemption.

Patience, 

you have little truth

And you reap the seeds you sow.

Shackled to your blame,

Looking to me for a call to action

I cannot give you

Your suffocation

In this world

Convocation.

I offer communication,

From wordless lips

Understanding

From burning eyes

Contemplation

from restless fingers

Idiocy

Lingers.

My intelligence was to blame 

For rebuffing your advances

The sound of your name

Devastating

Tempting

Shattering.

My body

A vessel, but not for your enjoyment.

Rather a portal to my 

Self

The parts you failed to see.

So here, I rest my 

blame.

Author's Note

Something missing in this one, and needs edits! Help! :D

Reviews

[RDOriginal]

I agree with your analysis, there is something not quite right with this poem. It's not a bad poem, it's just lacking a little something compared to your other work.

When I think of the word 'blame' I get very strong feelings. It's either an accusation or a confession of guilt - either way the word is a weapon to be used against another or oneself. However, the poem seems to be quite light on very negative imagery. If it's about blame then we perhaps need to see the narrator sacrifice themself some more, it should be more about literary self-mutiliation than is apparent here. There's also an element of vagueness about who is to blame, you begin with 'my lips were to blame' but later there's the implication that the other person in the relationship is 'shackled to your blame'.

Technically the poem is as good as ever, you've got some lovely turns of phrase here and some great images: I really like the line, 'understanding from burning eyes' as it's so counter-intuitive. However, I think it's perhaps the connotations of the title and the direction of the content that makes it seem a little at odds with itself.

[Amaunet]

i actually like it as is. it may seem tangled at times, but in my opinion it captures the situation perfectly, because in that situation you do feel tangled up on who is to blame and who is not. you blame yourself, but also the other person, all at the same time

[Richard Williams]

I enjoyed reading this, it's like a revelation to self understanding.

[StacyPerry]

Nicely written piece.

[Stammers]

I love the different emotions and happpenings, it has a tangled feeling - like a true relationship evokes 99.9999% of the time (unfourtunatley lol) Very, very rarely in actual life do we get a strong, complete emotion in a relationship, at least that's what I've found, and this represents it so well.

I liked the the line 'my lips were to blame' it's a shame it wasn't repeated as a part of the ending, it would anchor the piece, give it a stronger direction and message.

I also LOVE the rhythm, I love when free verse is used to take advantage of pacing, it can give it such a contemporary feel - like performance poetry, it becomes more something between art, a poem and lines from a play - big fan of this type of flow.

Overall really interesting piece :) I enjoyed it

[.]

nothing missing here!!!
this is a great write:-)
i love every single line!!!:-)

james:-)

[Ruth]

Well, I would have to go against that love lol And say, I actually like it a lot! I feel the randomness adds to the impact!
This has a feel of unobviousness, that I like! The blame doesn't have to be pinpointed and the isolation is great in this!
So, sorry to say love, I like it lmao
I love the tenseness, I feel that adding too much would disturb the intensity, but thats just me lol
Hugs
xx

[Snapdragon]

This poem made me think of some one I knew. I think he's feeling the exact same way. I liked the title. It sums up the whole poem in my opinion. Really enjoyed this.

[Desert Dreamer]

Wow! The beginning lines to your poem,
"My lips were to blame
For leading you astray
Followed closely by my eyes
Which lead you into temptation."
got me hooked and I had to keep reading to the end.

You ask for help, and I say this poem is wonderful as is.

If you want to try some changes, something I have found helpful is to change the tense of the verbs in my poems. For example change the first line to "My lips are to blame" and then continue changing the rest of the poem to present tense.... Possibly play with some of the words ending in "ing" such as devastating, try out different forms for these words such as devasted, devastation, devastate, etc. I do this when my poems don't feel finished and sometimes these small change makes the poem feel finished.

I do like your poem as is.