Maybe how I feel

Trying to understand what is going on with me.

I have written several pages now.
I have thrown them all away.
I keep trying to find the words to explain how I feel
So desperately, so urgently
Because I don't know how I feel
To put into words these strong compelling feelings
I don't know if it's possible anymore
I don't think I have the strength anymore
I just want to sleep
For days and weeks and months on end
For years to come, till the pain just ends
Till the thoughts die down and the world fades away
Till the people disappear and the judgement goes extinct
I wish there was a sea in front of me that I could let myself sink into
The concept of free falling into deep, quiet nothingness is scarily alluring
I dream about it sometimes, imagining how it would feel
To not think anymore, to not hear anymore, to not feel anymore
I imagine that it would be blissfully tranquil, serene, peaceful
I imagine a restful sleep and a gentle quiet slumber
This is what I dream about, the day when I can do what I want without fear or anxiety or the aftermath of depression
The day when I can close my eyes while everything fades away

Author's Note

I've been away from this platform for over a year now and gone through a lot of changes. I stopped writing as often as I used to and recently i've been struggling with being depresed a lot. I'm currently in a mood I don't really understand, I've been feeling mostly detached for days now and frankly I'm worried about myself
If anyone has any experiences with this kind of feeling, I would really appreciate it some advice on how to feel with it.