Untitled For Now

Just something that came to my mind.

Her heart was beating fast. She could hear their voices fading as they went outside. It was now or never. She pulled the glass shard she had picked up earlier while being dragged.

 “i have to do this.” She struggled relentlessly to cut through the restraints, willing herself with the strength she did not have.

“God please help me.” she kept praying silently, as she hoped that the men would not be back from their beer run till after she was able to escape. This was the best opportunity she was ever going to have to get out of this place and as she frantically cut the ropes and her hands, she prayed that it would not all be in vain.

“Yes!”. Finally, she had cut through the ropes. The pain in her bleeding hands was of no importance at that point, she needed to get out.

A dose of adrenaline quickly flowed through her as she dartingly looked around the large, dark and empty room trying to find an escape route. There was a window high above her head, she tried jumping, but couldn't reach it and panic began to build in her head.

 “they would be back soon!” her mind screamed. She rushed around the room trying to find something, anything that could help her get up to the window.

“God please i need to get out of here”

“We have to watch tomorrow’s match. I just hope that dumb girl passes out again tomorrow.” She stopped pacing, her heart seemed to stop to as she heard the men talking from a distance.

“i can't let them catch me again!” all the alarm bells were going off in her head.

“I'll  jump again” she said to herself trying to have hope.

*This is it!* this time, she ran from a distance and jumped, and as her fingers grasped the window sill, she was ecstatic. She struggled to get her hundred and ten pound body over the window, and she did. As soon as her bare, dirty feet hit the ground, she took off running as fast as she could.

 Her heart raced faster each time her feet touched the ground, without looking back or even knowing where she was going. After running a considerable distance in the dark of night, she stopped to catch her breath. The moon was high in the sky so she assumed that it was very early in the morning, but she had no idea where she was. There were no houses around, just closed shops and old abandoned cars.

“I need somewhere to hide” The men had probably noticed that she had escaped by now. After looking around for a few minutes without finding a good hiding spot, she decided to keep running. She thought she would eventually get to a house or a hospital or somewhere with people. She continued running and even though her body wanted to collapse, her mind was determined. There were no words to describe her happiness when she ran into a street with houses and street lights. She knocked the door of every house with her bleeding hands, but it was no use, everybody was asleep. She thought of shouting in the street, but that may have just led her captors to her Instead.

 She was about to hide at the back of a house when she noticed a light come on upstairs in one of the houses. Someone was awake. She watched expectantly as the person turned on the light downstairs and opened the door. She rushed to the front of the house to beg the person to let her in.

"who are you?" a forty something year old woman in her night gown asked, pointing a knife at her.

She stared at her strangely, immediately noticing her torn, dirty clothes, unkempt hair and the smell of someone who had not showered in a day or two. The woman seemed to be rethinking her decision to come to the door and it was clear that this young lady wasn’t who she expected to see. Knowing she probably only had one shot and her captors were on her tail, the battered girl made an emotional plea for help.

“I am in grave danger, please help me.”

Reviews

[Raghib]

I have been an avid reader and reading this was a little bleak . Events have occurred so suddenly that the reader has no time to decide what is happening is real or not . the theme was nice but you should stop adding emotions in every line . sometimes a dialogue is beautiful in its own way without the writer portraying it in the next sentence .(i know this from experience, I used to write the same )

[Avia]

Thanks for the notes. I'll try and implement it.

[emipoemi]

This is a remarkable story. (Better than the first one I've read of yours to say the least). It has heart, suspense, really has a good drive to it. To be honest, this sounds has the makings of a novel, and if you were to go that route, you wouldn't have to do too much editing/reshaping to this how it currently reads. However, if you were intending on this being just a story, there are so many loose ends, I need at least another hand to count them. A lot of questions go unanswered. Sometimes, also, you don't paint the entire picture (so we don't know if she's in a basement, even in a house, what are her parameters like, where's the light source, if any, coming from.....-if a novel, not every detail needs to be depicted, but the key details should be painted definitely). What you should also be careful of is POV. At the beginning and well until the end, we are in a third person POV, which means it's all third person, but it's from the POV of the main character (we see and explore the world through her eyes). The last paragraph seems to switch POVs to that 40-something woman of the house. After spending so much time with our mysterious protagonist, don't go switching POVs like that. It can get really confusing. Third person omniscient is very easy to write in, but it only works when you make the switch subtly (and the subtlety is more successfully done once we really get to know the characters for who they are).

I would take a stab at this as a novel, before the title comes. See what you can do with it. Good start! Quite compelling!

[Avia]

Thanks! I really tried to use all the constructive reviews I got from my previous stories to make this one better. I am hoping to make it into a novel, not a very long one, but I want to structure it really well, so it turns out good. I see what you're saying about the POV, I'll try and work on it so it doesn't upset the balance of the story. Thanks for reading :)

[Mavericks]

I will give a review, laters. Love the Title!

[Avia]

Thanks :) looking forward to knowing what you think about it

[Najam Us Saher]

Escape would be a straight and suitable title otherwise
Girl at the doorstep will be fine.
I like the tension you have created with the words for describing the scene, I was too drawn with the story. Nicely managed to capture reader's attention till the end.

[Avia]

Thanks Najam. I like both titles especially the second. Thank you for reading it, I'm trying to improve my story writing and I'm really happy with this positive review.

[Najam Us Saher]

You're most welcome, change the title when you feel you got appropriate title. ☺

[Avia]

Also, I would be glad if you'd help me name it, because nothing is coming to mind. Thanks :)

[Avia]

I'm trying to get better at writing stories and would appreciate honest reviews. I honestly don't know if this is the end of the story, but I'd like to pose a question. If you were the woman in the house, would you let her in or not?