Tell Me

Tell me why the sun rises when i refuse to wake
Why I'm in pieces, why I'm not the same
Tell me can I make sense of every needless lie?
Or am I doomed to live in this story without any lines?

Tell me when the last rain drops and the last leaf falls.
When this life finally stops, when the dark overcomes.
Tell me can I live so long with my self-inflicted scars?
Or am I doomed to live in this story without any acts?

Tell me if this guilt will ever fade, if the hurt will go away.
If all I am means nothing, despite the price I had to pay.
Tell me can I move on and let go, wash away all the pain?
Or am I doomed to live in this story, a loveless, heartless play.

Reviews

[RavenBlack]

I'm not used to reading poems so forgive me if I say any terminology wrong, or what I say seems out of place.

I love the repetition of the phrase: "Tell me" it's as if your begging for an answer, it portrays narrators desperation really well.

The use of rhetorical questions at the end of each stanza, is smart especially since you use a statement at the end of the last stanza as it illustrates that the narrator has given up accepted their reality.

I feel that you could have used a constant rhythm, like you did in the first stanza by making all the last words rhyme. In my opinion it would make the poem easier to read, as the change in rhythm threw me off. But that's just my opinion.

[Avia]

Thank you for reading and for the observation

[emipoemi]

This is poetic in almost every sense of the word!! You have strong imagery, some very juicy lines, fantastic construction (three "tell me"'s and an "Or am I doomed...."), but where it falls flat is on its musicality. It doesn't fall on the right notes at the opportune times, and it's a little wordy here there, and sometimes not wordy enough. The first stanza, for instance, is an example of lines being not wordy enough - if, and only if you intend for there to be a beat for breath in the middle of certain lines. For example: "Tell me when my heart shouts (beat) when I'm still alive". Other lines, like "Tell me when the cold is here so I can burn all my scarfs" and "Tell me if this guilt will ever fade, if the dark will melt away" are examples of wordy lines that should be considered for pruning for the musicality can't particularly flow as smoothly through them. This is profound and powerful overall, and it would be a shame not to attempt to polish it into a genuine gem. Superb start!!

[Avia]

I really appreciate your review. Thank you for the suggestions. I will try and work on them.

[ApDunamis]

This is deep but sad. I think you did a great job with keeping the flow of words consistent and I love that.

[Avia]

Thank you.