Lonely

A Chapter by Saranya

I was always a timid one. I smile even at those who call me ugly... That's how I was. And I have not changed much, I am the same even now.
But things do have changed.
"Izza, can you borrow me your note...?"
"Here it is..." I would say. It was the effort of my sleepless nights.. and phuu...there it goes...! I am damn sure this girl who is asking me my book so politely, doesn't like me at all! Few days back when I asked for a pen when mine stopped to write, she told me she had got only one... And right before me I saw her passing another brand new pen to Vicky when he asked for one. Okay! I was offended and I cried... You know Vicky... He is the first in line of my class who has got record in offending me.
It was long back when we went for our batch outing. I was totally new at the place and a fresher to every word. Moreover, I did not know the language! I got seat in a different state and though it was only twelve hours from my home in train, I felt terribly homesick. It's not like I miss home much. I was usually alone at home too.. both my parents went to work and my only sibling was out of country. But the people around me was making me more lonelier than when I was alone.
I have another of my friend who was of my state too... Sarah! She was tall, beautiful and was full of luck and charm. She even knew their language and everyone around her instantly loved her.
I was never jealous... because I knew myself better...my roommates always told I was way far prettier than Sarah but I knew they were just making me feel at ease. And my roommates! I forgot to mention.. well I think I should continue with Vicky now.
It was our first batch outing. I always try to be bold outside and get into some conversation even though I could sense most of them were not comfortable with me around. They have to talk in English which was bothersome for them so they just preferred to ignore me.
And there was Sam who always sympathised me and gave me company though he preferred to remain silent most of the time.
That day, everyone were sitting around a very huge table
.. All the thirty of us, it was noisy and everyone were enthusiastically chatting. I took a chair and looked for a gap to fit in and I found a seat beside a rough looking boy and Mary. Mary was a silent girl who transfixed her gaze into a mobile phone for the entire day.
I tried to smile at the boy beside me.... He was Vicky! I have heard the professors call his name a few times. He looked at me with boring eyes and gazed away immediately.... What!! Was he scared? Or am I that ugly? I was upset but tried to make out a conversation anyhow. Right from my childhood, I always loved to meet people and talk. I never get tired talking..! Lying on my bed or looking out of an empty street through my house window, I have spent my entire childhood... And if someone came to visit me, I used to talk nonstop... !
"Hii! You are Vicky right?" I asked nervously struggling to sound bold.
I saw him standing up. "Machan! Can you sit here? " He asked Sam who was sitting beside Sarah.
They exchanged their seats without many noticing. "Hii Izza!" Said Sam looking apologetically... He tried in vain to start up some conversation but I couldn't listen. I watched Vicky having a cheerful conversation with Sarah. He looked comfortable now. I looked at my empty plate at my reflection. My eyes were starting to swell up.
"Excuse me.. I'll use restroom for a while." I told to the people who did not seem to notice my presence. I rushed to the restroom to take a deep breath. If this meant being surrounded by people, I preferred I was lonely...

© 2019 Saranya

Author's Note

Help me know how is my first chapter..
Happy reading...!!

My Review

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JayG

I’m responding to this story because your bio mentioned how important writing is to you. And given that you do put so much effort into it, there are a few things holding you back that you probably want to know. Not matters of talent or even skill, but things that most hopeful writers miss—myself included when I began writing.

First, and of critical importance, presentation of fiction on the page and in person are vastly different. In person, for example, we use adverbs as demonstration words. We don’t just say “it was silent,” we set a mood by saying, “It was ABSOLUUUUTELY silent,” with great stress on that adverb. We would say, “He slooowly turned,” to illustrate the action. But on the page that stress is missing, and since there’s no difference between silence and absolute silence, the only thing the added word does is slow the read. And that’s a killer because reading is inherently slower than living to begin with, so unless you cut out the unnecessary fluff the read turns boring.

For an example, look at your first paragraph.

• I was always a timid one. I smile even at those who call me ugly... That's how I was. And I have not changed much, I am the same even now.

Thirty-one words to say what can be said in four. Does the reader care that someone whose age they don’t know was timid for an unknown number of years? Do they need to be told that they were, and that the situation is the same? No. That’s history, not story. So in the end, had you said, “I’ve always been timid,” the reader gets exactly the same information, and can move on in a fraction of the time, speeding the story up for more impact.

But take that a step further. If, by the character’s actions as the story progresses, the reader concludes that the protagonist is timid, we don’t need to be told, here. If they don’t conclude that? Well, then the narrator is a liar.

My point? Which do you prefer? To have someone we can’t see or hear talk ABOUT the protagonist, or to jump into the story and be made to feel that you’re living it in real-time?

• But things *do* have changed.

Did you edit this? Never show anything but your “A” game, polished as brightly as you can make it.

That aside, why do I, as a reader, care that someone, who lives at an unknown time and place, is of an unknown gender, age, and situation, who was timid for an unknown number of years has changed for unknown reasons, and in unknown ways? Why does it matter to the reader? More to the point, you just told the reader what’s GOING to happen, taking their reason for going on away. NEVER tell the reader what you’re going to tell (or better yet, show) them.

Your first job when entering any scene: Without talking to the reader as if to an audience, you need to give them context for where we are, who we are, and what’s going on. Only then will they have context for what’s happening.

For example, if I say, “The clock on the night table growled a good morning, forcing Tom Zoltac into the world once again,” in eighteen words we know who we are, where we are, and what’s going on. That gives the reader context for the next line, of, “Instantly awake, he snaked a hand out of the covers to silence it before it could wake Trudy.”

So…. In the first two sentences we know the time and place, the situation, that there are two people in that bed, and, that something unknown but important caused the man to hurriedly silence the clock so as to not wake the other person. By that act—the creation of a minor mystery—the reader has been given a reason to WANT to know more, so we follow those two lines with something to raise the tension and deepen the mystery: “Almost afraid to move, he watched the shadows of the blowing curtains play on the far wall. Today was the day.”

Instead of a narrator talking TO the reader, the actor—in this case, Tom—is performing in real-time, as the reader’s avatar. (shameless plug: If that opening paragraph made you want to know more, Hostage—my latest novel—is free on Kindle Unlimited).

If you talk to the reader, and explain things as-the-narrator, the reader goes to sleep. Does it really matter if the narrator is wearing stage makeup to look like the protagonist at some time after the story, or the author saying those same things, but using different personal pronouns? No. In both cases, someone not on the scene is talking about it in a voice the reader can’t hear, which makes it inherently dispassionate—a report or a chronicle of events.

Sure, when you read, the narrator’s voice is filled with emotion. But you cheat. Before you read the first word you know who you are and what’s going on. So for you, every line acts as a pointer to performance notes, images, and more, stored in your mind. When you read it you perform it as a verbal storyteller.

But can the reader do that? They have none of the information the words call up for you. So for them, every line acts as a pointer to performance notes, images, and more, stored in *YOUR* mind. And since you’re not there to explain… Have your computer read the story aloud and the problem will jump out at you.

So…are you doomed as a writer? Of course not. But you do need to fix a few things about the way you approach the presentation of fiction.

But, what’s wrong with your approach, you ask? Well, think back to your school days. Out of all your assigned writing tasks, what percentage of them were nonfiction applications like reports and essays, and what percentage fiction? Think of how much time your teachers spent on presenting the protagonist’s viewpoint realistically. For why that matters so much, take a look at this article:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

How much time did they spend on how to write from the inside-out, as against the outside-in approach of the nonfiction writer? Zero, right? But knowing how to do that is an essential skill when writing fiction, because instead of being fact-based and author centric, as nonfiction is, it’s emotion-based and character-centric. And I’m betting that your teachers didn’t make you aware that there IS another approach than the nonfiction style they gave you. For why that matters the first article, here, expands on that:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

But that makes sense because it’s professional knowledge that only Fiction-Writers need. And the thing we universally forget is that all professions are learned AFTER we master the Three R’s we’re given in our school days.

So…you have the desire, the perseverance, and for all we know, you’re positively awash in talent. What you don’t own at present, are the specialized skills of the profession, a lack that’s easy to correct.

I won’t kid you, it’s neither fast nor easy to add and perfect those skills to the point where you use them as easily, and as automatically, as your current writing techniques. But that’s true of learning any profession, so it’s more a rite-of-passage than a disaster. And picking up those “tricks-of-the-trade” isn’t expensive. More then that, if you truly are meant to be a writer you’ll enjoy the learning, which feels like going backstage at the theater, and will have you saying, “But…that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see it myself?”

For an easy to read introduction to the nuts and bolts of fiction, given where you stand, I’d suggest, Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. Read it slowly, with plenty of time for reflection and practice as each point is introduced.

But whatever you do, as always, hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 5 Years Ago

First, and of critical importance, presentation of fiction on the page and in person are vastly different. In person, for example, we use adverbs as demonstration words. We don’t just say “it was silent,” we set a mood by saying, “It was ABSOLUUUUTELY silent,” with great stress on that adverb. We would say, “He slooowly turned,” to illustrate the action. But on the page that stress is missing, and since there’s no difference between silence and absolute silence, the only thing the added word does is slow the read. And that’s a killer because reading is inherently slower than living to begin with, so unless you cut out the unnecessary fluff the read turns boring.

For an example, look at your first paragraph.

• I was always a timid one. I smile even at those who call me ugly... That's how I was. And I have not changed much, I am the same even now.

Thirty-one words to say what can be said in four. Does the reader care that someone whose age they don’t know was timid for an unknown number of years? Do they need to be told that they were, and that the situation is the same? No. That’s history, not story. So in the end, had you said, “I’ve always been timid,” the reader gets exactly the same information, and can move on in a fraction of the time, speeding the story up for more impact.

But take that a step further. If, by the character’s actions as the story progresses, the reader concludes that the protagonist is timid, we don’t need to be told, here. If they don’t conclude that? Well, then the narrator is a liar.

My point? Which do you prefer? To have someone we can’t see or hear talk ABOUT the protagonist, or to jump into the story and be made to feel that you’re living it in real-time?

• But things *do* have changed.

Did you edit this? Never show anything but your “A” game, polished as brightly as you can make it.

That aside, why do I, as a reader, care that someone, who lives at an unknown time and place, is of an unknown gender, age, and situation, who was timid for an unknown number of years has changed for unknown reasons, and in unknown ways? Why does it matter to the reader? More to the point, you just told the reader what’s GOING to happen, taking their reason for going on away. NEVER tell the reader what you’re going to tell (or better yet, show) them.

Your first job when entering any scene: Without talking to the reader as if to an audience, you need to give them context for where we are, who we are, and what’s going on. Only then will they have context for what’s happening.

For example, if I say, “The clock on the night table growled a good morning, forcing Tom Zoltac into the world once again,” in eighteen words we know who we are, where we are, and what’s going on. That gives the reader context for the next line, of, “Instantly awake, he snaked a hand out of the covers to silence it before it could wake Trudy.”

So…. In the first two sentences we know the time and place, the situation, that there are two people in that bed, and, that something unknown but important caused the man to hurriedly silence the clock so as to not wake the other person. By that act—the creation of a minor mystery—the reader has been given a reason to WANT to know more, so we follow those two lines with something to raise the tension and deepen the mystery: “Almost afraid to move, he watched the shadows of the blowing curtains play on the far wall. Today was the day.”

Instead of a narrator talking TO the reader, the actor—in this case, Tom—is performing in real-time, as the reader’s avatar. (shameless plug: If that opening paragraph made you want to know more, Hostage—my latest novel—is free on Kindle Unlimited).

If you talk to the reader, and explain things as-the-narrator, the reader goes to sleep. Does it really matter if the narrator is wearing stage makeup to look like the protagonist at some time after the story, or the author saying those same things, but using different personal pronouns? No. In both cases, someone not on the scene is talking about it in a voice the reader can’t hear, which makes it inherently dispassionate—a report or a chronicle of events.

Sure, when you read, the narrator’s voice is filled with emotion. But you cheat. Before you read the first word you know who you are and what’s going on. So for you, every line acts as a pointer to performance notes, images, and more, stored in your mind. When you read it you perform it as a verbal storyteller.

But can the reader do that? They have none of the information the words call up for you. So for them, every line acts as a pointer to performance notes, images, and more, stored in *YOUR* mind. And since you’re not there to explain… Have your computer read the story aloud and the problem will jump out at you.

So…are you doomed as a writer? Of course not. But you do need to fix a few things about the way you approach the presentation of fiction.

But, what’s wrong with your approach, you ask? Well, think back to your school days. Out of all your assigned writing tasks, what percentage of them were nonfiction applications like reports and essays, and what percentage fiction? Think of how much time your teachers spent on presenting the protagonist’s viewpoint realistically. For why that matters so much, take a look at this article:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

How much time did they spend on how to write from the inside-out, as against the outside-in approach of the nonfiction writer? Zero, right? But knowing how to do that is an essential skill when writing fiction, because instead of being fact-based and author centric, as nonfiction is, it’s emotion-based and character-centric. And I’m betting that your teachers didn’t make you aware that there IS another approach than the nonfiction style they gave you. For why that matters the first article, here, expands on that:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

But that makes sense because it’s professional knowledge that only Fiction-Writers need. And the thing we universally forget is that all professions are learned AFTER we master the Three R’s we’re given in our school days.

So…you have the desire, the perseverance, and for all we know, you’re positively awash in talent. What you don’t own at present, are the specialized skills of the profession, a lack that’s easy to correct.

I won’t kid you, it’s neither fast nor easy to add and perfect those skills to the point where you use them as easily, and as automatically, as your current writing techniques. But that’s true of learning any profession, so it’s more a rite-of-passage than a disaster. And picking up those “tricks-of-the-trade” isn’t expensive. More then that, if you truly are meant to be a writer you’ll enjoy the learning, which feels like going backstage at the theater, and will have you saying, “But…that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see it myself?”

For an easy to read introduction to the nuts and bolts of fiction, given where you stand, I’d suggest, Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. Read it slowly, with plenty of time for reflection and practice as each point is introduced.

But whatever you do, as always, hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

5 Years Ago

Thank you for your valuable advice.. I will try my level best to put up my best...
I really l.. read more

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