Stream of Consciousness

May 26th, 2012

I sit here and feel alone. It's seems like i have conflicting feelings but I can't really tell. I don't know what to write an what not to write. Again my thoughts are ruled by girls. I'm over at 40 thieves sitting on the comfy couches. Katie, Ashiiya, Melanie and Juan are all with me but it seems like they aren't there. I love the music tonight.
I want to be unhappy but I can't find it in myself to achieve that. Lust. Need I say more? Always the same thoughts. I need change in my life. I'm almost sick of this but not quite. I love this world and it's sanity. I guess there really isn't any though. We are all lost and stumbling. Trying to find our way. Trapped in a room with an exit to a place unknown. I want to stay but need to leave. I hate these people right now. Not Juan though. I'm just annoyed and awake when I need to sleep. I want to write as well but I don't actually know what's on my mind so I will keep rambling. Keep struggling through the lines and filling them up with nonsense. With the s**t no one cares about.
I crave something but I can't figure out what. Awkward, and not. That's how I feel. It's something unfinished but I don't want to finish it. Keep writing. Don't let the words stop flowing.
Crisp money rules our lives and drives our desires. It's sad how much of slaves we are in our freedom. Does anyone know what it is to be free anymore? I miss elementary school. I miss growing up. Not caring what the next day would bring. Not Caring about anything. I need to leave. I want to disappear and let them wonder where I went. I want them to miss me. I feel like I want them to hurt. All I really want though is them to be happy. Unfortunately its their peace of mind or mine. It will never be mine though. Always theirs. Someday I need to put me ahead of them. One day I will, on but a passing whim.
The future scares me. Not frighteningly so though. I don't know anymore. What I'm writing. What to do. How to live or write or dream. All I know is what's now. How to go about this moment. Jealousy. Maybe that is the word for this moment. Please end.