Burns

Through my ears, through my mind,
Buzzing music takes its time.
Slipping through, flowing by,
All of the lyrics, hanging in the sky.
Musical fog, fills my ears, fills my mind.
Cascading memories,
Changing into jumbled fears,
Filling my eyes with humble tears,
Dripping down my cold cheek.
All the words. My knees go weak.
Quiet sobs fill my ears,
Overwhelm my mind.
The dancing flames look so kind,
The touch of metal, so hot I find,
Painless burns, halting time,
And the bitter thoughts vanish so quick.
My body aches, feels sick,
My eyes shut
Until buzzing music takes its time,
through my ears and through my mind.

Reviews

[eatmills]

The rhythm is fairly smooth but the form of the poem needs some work.
For example the last four lines I might have written it like this:

And the bitter thoughts vanish so quick.
My body aches... feels sick...
My eyes shut...

Until buzzing music takes its time,
through my ears and through my mind.

The reason I would have wrote it like that is, there is a timing breakdown during the "My body aches, feels sick, My eyes shut" and it gives it a better visualization of the tortures you must have felt when you wrote that.

You have the soul just need the form. Keep at it and your writing will grow.

[Austin Skye Elsborg]

Well I'm glad you like it, and I definitely agree that I need work on form. I haven't actually edited any of my poems yet so thanks for the advice. I think I'll change it to that. I'd love it of you went through and helped me with a couple of my other works.